Dim Sum Mum - Tess' Little Pieces

FIVE

recently, my friend's 46-year old uncle died suddenly. her blog tells of how this uncle will forever hold a special place in her heart because he so sincerely welcomed her into the family when she got married.

becoming an ally to a girl meeting her boyfriend's family for the first time.... there is no better way to win eternal loyalty.

i remember meeting my in-laws for the first time. mc and i had gone to yellowknife first, it had been a huge success. my parents knew we were headed towards an engagement and both had given me their approval. dad gave us some advice about love, which he couldn't have done if he didn't like charles for me. and then, if he and my brother didn't like and trust magnificent charles, they wouldn't have made the jokes about me that they did! my sisters would hug him, ask his opinion on clothes and careers, my mother would smile and hug him often.

swarmed with hugs, mcharles occasionally got a look in his eyes. i asked him about it, and he explained,

i am not used to this. it is overwhelming at times.

the excellent book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES talks about how people communicate their love, and how if they are "speaking" a language we don't understand, we don't realise they are telling us of their love.

i was so nervous to meet magnificent charles' family. he was freshly separated, and here was i, his internet girlfriend. i had been introduced to many boyfriend's families and had passed inspection, but i knew i was going to marry magnificent.  i wanted family to be as important to him as it was to me, and seeing how much my parents appreciated his emails to them, he encouraged me to start emailing his family members. he told me about his sisters, his parents, the memories.

i did email his family previous to meeting them, so they weren't complete strangers to me when we met face to face. but i so wanted to feel approval, and i undoubtedly tried too hard. (one of the good things of having a very hazy short term memory is that some memories i'd rather forget i actually have forgotten!!) but i wasn't sure of the response. it wasn't my family, or any of the families i had grown up with and could read. a slightly different generation, and i was adrift.

the first night i met charles' entire family, i had embarrassed myself, after i failed to pick up on a family communication method they used. if you asked them today what i missed...they wouldn't know, but i can remember that incident very very well! and how my face burned afterwards. after the dinner, my brother in law asked me to help him dry the dishes. just the two of us, he kept the conversation light and easy. a classy gesture from a classy fellow.

we never know when we are going to make immediate eternal impacts on others. i recently read the book THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN, which suggests that as well.

do i still speak my language to magnificent's family? absolutely. do i still expect them to respond in my language? no. that would be like them expecting me to speak theirs.

and i am getting better at interpreting.

and i have slowed down my speech.

i love being in my 30's.

amen.

we got anger. right here in river city.

well, i may not be the music man, but i do have anger.

i went a "little bit postal" the other day. it was a saturday, and as we passed by our postbox, i fished out the mail. there was an envelope addressed to charles and i from a local address i did not know. i could tell by the shape of the envelope an invitation was inside.

in the lift, i lodged all the bills, catalogues and other mail between my arm and ribs, and slid open the envelope. in the seconds between my pulling out the invite and my confusion/anger, i registered that the queen mary parents of premature babies group was inviting me to a talent show and afternoon tea.

who ARE these people?

the lift stopped at our floor and i got out, walked into our flat and stomped across the floor still in my outdoor heels.

i shut the door to our room, grabbed the telephone and punched the number given for anyone with questions. when a lady answered, i asked her if she had mailed us the invitation. yes, she responded, she had. would we be attending, and if so, when would we be sending in our cheque and did we want to enter our children into the talent show.

who are you? i demanded.

we are the parents of premature baby groups.

what do you DO?

we support mummies and babies. and we hold events, and gatherings and parties.

where were you last year?

what?

i was angry cold now. where were you last year when my children were in the hospital and we were told to get premature nappies that were smaller than sanitary napkins, and we didn't know what to do and we didn't know what these terms were and we didn't know what to expect or what was happening? if there was a preemie outreach support group, why couldn't we get in touch with you?

maybe no one told us you were there.

maybe? don't you think that supporting parents of preemies is more important when their children are in the hospital and they are overwhelmed and bewildered, rather than having talent shows and tea afterwards? i could have used your advice, and there was no one.

that was about the jist of the conversation. needless to say, we didn't attend the tea. thought long and hard about entering the triplets in the talent show...after all long distance vomitting is an art, but declined.

no two ways about it, i did spew unfairly all over that lady. why my reaction was so strong, not sure. i think i was appalled that the preemie group's priorities are so off target (in my opinion). talent shows are great, but i could have used someone to guide me through the nicu during our days there. to explain that walking in and seeing your child having a blood transfusion is a common NICU practice. to point out the best times for talking to the dr, to suggest we keep a diary and take more pictures.  to tell me which company will ship preemie nappies. instead, we were alone with the beeps of machines and the whine of white noise. the nurses were wonderful,  but did not have the time or understanding or ability to answer our questions.

a few months after we departed the nicu, there were a series of expats who overlapped each other, and each was able to pass on wisdom, support and advice to the "rookies" whose preemies entered the world and floor. what a difference that support made to those people. someone to smooth their entry into that tough new reality. i wish we had had that.

and after departing the hospital, we told one of the doctors we wanted to form a parent support group. to my shock she responded,

you can't, there is already one.

are you kidding? no one contacted us.

yes, they have bylaws, many committees, and are active. besides, none of you have training as counsellors, i am not sure you should form any group.

we don't want to counsel, we want to help.

you need training before you can do that.

so, with our offer to help being refused, and then being refused the help that was apparently available, i went crazy when help arrived a few months too late.

call it sad, call it funny

but its better than even money

that the guy's only doing it for some doll.

(well, in honor of two dolls and three guys, but who's counting?)

 

today sebastian and i rode the big bus home and sat upstairs. he was tired and melted into my lap and as the bus rocked and swayed, we both settled into little dream worlds instead of playing "eye-spy". instead, i played "i-remember".

when the babies were in the NICU, i remember being amazed at the care being given to their positioning. every four hours, a nurse would come along and turn their tiny bodies, twisting a cloth to support their positions. "it is to prevent bedsores" a kind nurse explained.  considering that a full term baby basically lies on its back for its first few weeks, i thought this odd.

but i also learned, the carefully chosen positions helped improve their blood circulation throughout organs and epidermis, and since the babies' skin was still so newly formed (skin comes in at about 25 weeks, ours were born at 26) too much weight for too long would have worn their skin off. i couldn't believe that two pounds could be so harmful.

when i first saw the babies, they were in bassinettes covered in cling film. i remember, aside from the bewilderment of this whole hushed NICU world, the pain, guilt and devastation and eerie peace, and believing that these three, 24-27 cm long hairy, faceless, creatures whose eyes hadn't even opened came from the fresh (low, it must be admitted) scar from my abdomen i was extremely apprehensive. how medical is cling film? it was the same brand i used to cover sebastian's frozen peas in the microwave.

i can remember how they had triplets one and two beside each other, and how triplet three was opposite them. i can remember the doctor telling magnificent that the babies were stable for now, and just looking at them and wondering how such tiny, sickly scraps of humanity could possibly be classified as "stable". had he seen them? how could he, through the blurry cling film, the goggles covering their eyes, the tubes slipping into their noses, the ventilator forcing open their mouths and covering their cheeks and chins, the iv's tearing into their arms and the bandages covering their arms, the duoderms that encompassed their chests, the glowing blood pressure monitor attached to their feet, the caps covering their heads??? where did the diagnosis come from?

their hearts were beating.

NICU...it has almost been one year since we wiped tears away and said goodbye to you, but your surreal surroundings flow through me still. maybe i need some careful positions to improve my circulation.

it seems one of my 186 fellow passengers the other day had a cold and managed to spread the germs to me. how could this happen in a re-circulated oxygen situation i have no idea. i have taken some of those COLD-X tablets that everyone swears by, i will keep you updated.

so i am drippy nosed and sneezing. sneezing takes a lot of energy. i don't have a lot of energy today.

i (and probably oprah and a few others) have come to the conclusion that your body is happy at certain weights. plateaus...we've all experienced the word, and we've all cursed it and wondered why our body was clinging to that weight. but you know, i think it comes down to our bodies just being happy there and doing their darndest not to be shoved from there.

when losing weight, we curse plateaus. but they also work in our favour. i'm at a place where i am pretty happy with my weight right now. definition can use some work and there will be some exchange of fat for muscle, fair enough, but the scale is my friend right now. and i am pretty confident that if i go out and have a healthy amount of mexican food my body will not pack on the weight. i think my internal metabolism will form a clique, tell the extra fat there is no room for it here, we're quite happy with our current membership, and to please move along. the ultimate black bean (dip) ceremony.

when my mum was here, i asked her if she thought i had a favourite baby. to my surprise, she quickly replied, "jasper".

this was interesting. i never thought that i had a favourite. jasper? i mean, he's darling, he's smily, easy going, doesn't move as much as the others...a very good choice. but jasper?

what about sela? she's so interactive, swift and attentive. a very good choice.

and carys? surely anyone who fought so hard deserves a special place in your heart. another good choice.

worth noting among my friends is that most of them have a favourite child. each of them has cult followers that would put the judy garland fans to shame. you've got to love them.

i think if i refer to jasper more than the girls, it is because there are two girls and one boy. i am doing a little boomerang. i don't want either girl to feel that i gave the other girl preference, so i possibly lean more towards the child that isn't a boy.

remember the seasame street song?

one of these things is not like the other

it's like that.

i am pretty confident that jasper is not my favourite child, because i think evil thoughts or devise how i would change him (ie: he wouldn't vomit) about him just as often as i think negative thoughts about his siblings. process of elimination, you've got to love it.

this morning lita and i decided to try something daring...to make the triumverates 11am lunch completely cereal free. we decided a very blended shepard's pie would make the best mix, and proceeded from there.

all three managed a few mouthfuls. granted, they looked very dubious, and carys was pushing stuff out of her mouth whenever she thought she could get away with it, but on the whole, it was a 33 per cent success. only two of them threw up. sela managed to keep her meal down, i suspect because she liked the outfit she was wearing too much to vomit all over it. carys and jasper had no such allegiances and vomitted far and wide. as i looked at the thick, pale stream that started 10 metres from jasper's mouth and ended up on his pantleg and chin, it took me back eight months ago, when we were clearing up a minimum of  four vomits a day.

no baby was clean enough to come downstairs with me at 11.45 to pick sebastian up from the school bus, so i went by myself. very boring when there is no one to talk with. soon enough the bus chugged up the hill and sebastian jumped out.

he had a nice lunch that he chose not to finish, and then as we were putting the babies down for their naps, sebastian said he didn't need a nap. i believe him and so asked him what he wanted to do. i suggested crayoning a picture for daddy and a few other suggestions, all with one eye on the computer. have i mentioned i have a few deadlines for this week? i really like the concept of having my own income, and this new contract boosts my paltry income up 200 per cent. yay! but the downside...i have to actually WRITE the stories i have promised i will. i didn't get much done this morning, and had promised myself i would this afternoon. however, that did NOT happen, and so i was going to make it up now.

i wasn't going to plug him infront of a video for two hours, he needed to do something, so again i asked him what he wanted to do.

play with mummy he responded, and broke my heart.

sure, i know he only wanted to play with me because daddy is at the office and his other friends are napping, but I WILL TAKE THIRD CHOICE. forget work, i can do that later....so we sat down together and shared my lunch, (tomato soup and a sandwich) and afterwards i suggested we make something. his eyes lit up.

we make daddy a cake and i eat it all up.

i meant making like crayoning, or glueing.

no, we make daddy something and i eat it all up.

i am trying not to smile.

what would you like to make.

bwownies.

not today.

we make muffins. with bananas and choclate chits.

how about we make bread?

okay.

so we dragged his tiny chair into the kitchen, hauled out the breadmaker and we made bread. not sure how it will turn out as i think jamie oliver junior poured in an extra dollop of milk powder when i wasn't looking, but we'll see.

after we had washed and swept up, i asked sebastian if he wanted to paint my toenails. he screamed YES and selected the reddest colour he could fine. he was very proud of the finished product and afterwards i tipped him hk$5. he liked that even more. he wanted to paint my fingernails too, but enough is enough. besides, at this rate, since im not getting my stories done, i need to save my cash. but i don't regret a thing. we've had some fun times together today.

last night magnificent charles and i were meant to go for dinner. a catch up, relax and enjoy being across the table from the one you married type of dinner. i was going to share about my week, and the thinking paths it had me treading down, he was going to tell me about the time he spent with his guy friends and how the house barely survived without ME.

however, i fell asleep at 6.30pm and slept for 10 hours. no dinner.

today i woke up energised and we headed off to the 9.30 service. we didn't take any helpers with us, just the six of us. this was the first time just our family unit (minus olivia) had been to church since the arrival of jasper, sela and carys. we managed quite well.

leaving the babies in the creche wasn't tough at all. if some were to suggest that it was actually a relief, some might not be too far off. jasper (the new soy version), was ambivialent to be handed over to a stranger (which surprised me), sela stared at the person, and carys began crying, dropping tears of dismay and fear. we left and went down to a great sermon on the importance of praying for jerusalem. i consider myself a somewhat well read person, but i had no idea of all that is happening in jerusalem today. a real eye opening sermon and educational as well. my favourite.

before i could tell the preacher how much i appreciated her words, magnificent and i had to sprint out of the church and up to the creche...for it was 10.45 and the babies were getting hungry! we arrived at the creche and before opening the door and announcing our arrival, observed what was going on. jasper was being cuddled, sela was paying with a toy, and carys was watching a veggie tales video. i couldn't see jasper, but they all seemed well.

we walked in, sela looked up and burst into tears. jasper grinned, and carys held out her arms. it was priceless. the ladies informed us that jasper had been an angel, carys hadn't cried much and that sela had only cried when she was thwarted.

we got everyone transferred into the car, and drove home listening to sebastian singing. we also played "EYE SPY". when did we become such a family??? after a successful feeding, the babies went down for a nap and the upright three of us went out for lunch, followed by a quick grocery shop. we were looking for jasper's soy yogurt, and couldn't find that, but managed to spend $400hk anyway.

back home, feed babies again, change them into playground duds, then down to the playground with the babies while magnificent took sebastian to the car park so sebbie could "drive" the blue car.

on the playground busy babies had good times crawling. black black hands.

bathtime, bedtime, bedtime, bedtime, video for sebastian, bedtime, and now magchar and i are sitting down to thai food. we were going to go out for dinner, but i am still knackered.

three deadlines this week....may the force be with me.

once i was able to shake from my head the image of my tiny gran waving goodbye to me, and the feel of her soft arms around my neck, i was able to enjoy the flight home.

contributing factors:

1) i had my own food and didn't have to rely on air canada to serve me meals prepared 12 hours previously

2) i WAS GOING HOME to charles and sebastian, jasper, sela and carys!

3) i had four seats to myself.

so i flipped up the armrests, tried to ignore thoughts on who is going to take care of the list of things my gran needs help doing, popped a few tylenols (that won't interfere with my anticonvulsants, fear not) and slept through the first movie. and laid there in a happy state for another two hours. then i started and finished a book, read a magazine while eating, finished and completed another book, watched a little bit of SIDEWAYS while eating, and slept for another two hours. that was my flight. 13 hours plus.

got through customs in no time whatsoever, and soon enough, there was charles and sebastian, smiling and waiting for me with open arms. 45 minutes later, i was at home, in my flat, surrounded by cat hair, the smell of baby lotion, coconut milk and curry, soy sauce, the smell of hong kong and furniture polish.

i slept until 3.30, then got up. the babies cosmically knew i was home, why else would they get up at 6am? i was thrilled (i wont be tomorrow if they pull the same stunt), and picked them up and out into the daylight.

sela grinned and touched my face with both hands when she realised it was me holding her. started babbling. it would have been a true hallmark moment if she had said MA-MA, but she did not. jasper was very smily to see me and shrieked when i put him down to pick up carys, and didn't stop until i sat down on the carpet with all three of them. carys was also happy to see me, she scooted from one end of her cot to the other to see me. lifted her arms to me, which is a first for us.

when i sat down, they all started approaching me. six pairs of hands on my knees, grasping for further holds as they launched themselves on to me. i started to get clausterphobic, to inch back a little. then i realised, THESE ARE MY BABIES! and we had a grand cuddle fest, and each got their turn in my arms, pulling at the metal "j" zip on my sweat suit.

they've gotten more hair, and i think carys has grown. she had a good physio appointment while i was gone, but we need to buy a balance ball for her, to increase her strength. i am not sure of the rationale on that, but i am going to look into it. because i am home. and as soon as i start/finish the three freelance assignments i have, i will get right on it.

nap time is over, three voices are demanding love. and i am home to give it.

my brother had a letter published in the vancouver sun yesterday. he wrote how kind our family had found vancouver's citizens to be this past weekend. it's true.

we're now in the getting "things" done stage. there is a great deal to do. banking has taken up the most time so far. last night pam and i went through gran's refrigerator and threw out all items past their best before dates. we also took the tops off and washed all lids, wiped the smears off ice cream containers, etc. today, besides more banking, we also had to pick up some photos, take in recycling, and various other tasks. i started writing the obituary notice that will appear saturday's paper.

we made time for a walk along the beach. oh, what a beautiful country canada is. do residents of crescent beach take this beauty forgranted? i looked at their faces as they walked along in their shirt sleeves, fleeces tied around their waists, dogs slobbering on their pantlegs. when looking at the mountains, mirrored below by the ocean, i can't appreciate hong kong. i can't remember its beauty, why this is a city i love so much.

we park the car, and walk metres to a shop. in those few minutes of walking, the wind blows through my hair. i squint up at the sun. i smell fresh air. in hong kong, there are no open air car parks. the air, is not fresh. those moments of inhaling beauty are not there. there is the inhalation of excitement.

being here, with family, at such a time, has made me not love hong kong less, but question if our time there is ending. people tend to have waves of contentment...for the last years charles and i have been very PRO-HONG KONG; not wanting to move, not considering out of town offers seriously. but now...i am torn. in two days the smell of the sea will be off my hands and hair and my senses will no longer be so overwhelmed. and i will be committed to hong kong once more. but i will also be an ocean away from my gran, parents and siblings.

there is so much to be done, but here is a short note from vancouver.

what a beautiful city.

it has been a tough few days. the memorial service was today, and it was lovely. just family, each of us given the opportunity to speak if we so wished.

i wasn't planning on speaking. at memorials/funerals people often make the mistake of personalising speeches, making it all about them instead of the deceased. there was nothing i could say about my grandad that the others there didn't know.

however, when the opportunity to speak came, i had something to say. not how sad i was that he has died, because really, i think he was ready for death. he had been so unhappy once his body started to betray him. this was a man who swam daily until he was 87 years old. sitting in a nursing home he disliked, away from the wife he adored, this wasn't a life he wanted.

but i decided to speak anyway. because no one so far had mentioned a point i consider to be crucial: as long as we remember the deceased, they are still with us.

i have three siblings and four cousins. when we're together, when grandad comes into the conversations, his memory is alive. towards the end of his life, grandad was tired of living. but i know he would like if we were sharing our grandad stories.

Playground Video!

Charles posted a playground video of Sebastian and the Terrific Trio over at his blog. Enjoy!