Dim Sum Mum - Tess' Little Pieces

about the girls

when we visited the girl's teachers, miss jovina and miss helen, the teachers suggested we talk about sela first. this set a tiny bell off in the back of my mind that was to prove correct later.

apparently, sela has settled in well, and although she could spend all day in the bathroom (she even asked her teachers once where the hand lotion was after she completed washing her hands), she loves the art table. and puzzles. and, no surprise, sela is very competitive. she likes being first.

sela is causing carys a few issues. at the beginning of the morning, the kids come and find their names on the board, and then move them to another board, which indicates that they are present. sela is so quick that she finds her name, and then quickly locates carys' and points it out to her, instead of letting her sister find the name. she will hover over carys' shoulder if carys is having a tough time doing a puzzle and try to help her find the answer instead of letting her sister figure it out. sela is a bossy knickers, but she is motivated out of love. i believe this.

all in all, sela is making friends quickly and having a wonderful time at school. enthusiastic, happy, friendly, learning. playing with other kids. all words they used.

and then it was time to talk about carys. it was a real surprise for me to learn that the teachers felt that only in the last little while had carys started trusting them. apparently carys has only been making eye contact recently, and still only occasionally answers back when the teachers speak with her. what a surprise! since her second week at school, carys has told me that her best friends at school are miss helen and miss jovina and that she loves them.

they said that carys loves books and will read endlessly. not just being read to, she likes selecting her books and reading independently on a bean bag chair. puzzles aren't really her thing.

"she isn't really decisive" noted one teacher. "sela comes in in the morning, pulls out her mat and immediately knows what activity she wants to do. carys comes in after locating her name, and just watches what activities the other children are playing, looks around at everything, and eventually i will ask her what she wants to play."

this comment made me smile. that is so carys. she observes and then she chooses. her teachers followed up with, "sometimes i will look up, and carys will be watching me, not wanting anything, but just watching me."

carys  does need to learn to ask for help. there were a few times at snack when carys (when she wasn't sitting beside sela) didn't eat her snack because she couldn't open the container and she didn't ask for help.

but the best news i got, the sweetest news of the entire interview, came when the teachers said, "sometimes when the whole class is working on a project, helen and i will hear a noise, and we will look up and around. and it is carys, singing a little song to herself as she happily works away. you must do a lot of singing at home."

for some reason, the image of my shy little girl, unconsciously singing as she works and learns, made me very happy. i could just see her concentrating and and happy, carefree.

and on that note, their first year of school ended.

wearying but worth it.

these past few days have been frantic. weekends especially. lots of leaving dos.

friday night i missed a housewarming party at odila's house because a dinner party went too late. saturday night i was hosting a games night at church and had to leave halfway through (i don't think anyone else noticed i was gone)because i had another dinner party that i was meant to be at that had started two hours earlier. i had two rush jobs for clients last week which kept me up late (worth it, but wearying). i am at school often, lots of end of year stuff. i have been going pretty full tilt since mid january, and i am so ready for relaxation. let's hope i find it soon.

magnificent and i walked into small world the other day for parent teacher interviews. rain was sheeting down and i was five minutes late. sebastian's teachers were our first stop. we sat down with miss rupa and miss viola and they told us that it had been a joy to see sebastian develop this year. they showed us his progress charts and stated how he has improved in several areas, and how he is a really really creative kid, as well as a very solid maths student. being a lefty doesn't make writing fun or easy for him, and he dislikes writing, but unlike at the beginning of the year, he loves art and craft. and he does. he comes home with spaceships, guns, houses, rockets, dinosaurs, and oh let's never forget the intestines he created (forever immortalised on youtube).

it was so good to hear them talk. i won't ever really KNOW if holding sebastian back was the right thing to do, because i have nothing to compare it to. but i do know that it hasn't really harmed him, except that he wishes he was in the same class as all his friends.

jasper's teachers were pleased to see us, told us that jasper had settled in well, that he had a few female friends in particular. any male friends? i asked hopefully? no, said his teachers, but we all agreed it was a very positive sign that jasper now agrees that he is a boy. yay jude! they had no concerns, so asked if we had questions. i asked about his stubborness and they said they had certainly seen evidence of it. they observed that he loves waterplay and reading books. except jasper's idea of waterplay is pouring water out of a teeny tea pot into a minscule cup and drinking it quickly. "he's a happy, well adjsted boy and watch out, he's going to be a heartbreaker," summed up one teacher. but she did say that jasper is a bit overwhelmed and tired of all the female attention. interesting.

i'll write about the girlie-whirlies tomorrow.

xotess

Pics @ Charles' blog...

You can find some recent pictures of the kids over at Charles' blog. Paltry selection but still worth the visit.

JUST HOW NOISY ARE THEY?

JUST HOW NOISY ARE THEY???

this story makes me very scared to visit or live in north america.

by frank eltman

It's what kids do: squeal in delight when they're having fun.

But to some Long Island residents those squeals were unwelcome noise, and they wanted two neighborhood girls playing in a backyard pool to pipe down.

The complaints fell on deaf ears Wednesday night when Bayville's acting village justice dismissed a summons accusing the girls' parents, William and Rachel Poczatek, of violating a village noise ordinance.

Poczatek said he was shocked when he and his wife were slapped with a summons. Sure, he said, Ashley, 11, and 5-year-old Chloe make noise when they're outside enjoying their aboveground swimming pool.

"What, are you telling me that a kid can't make noise?" he protested. "It's not fair."

The Poczateks were cleared because the ordinance is usually reserved for "the shouting and crying of peddlers, hawkers and vendors, which disturbs the peace and quiet of the neighborhood," their attorney said.

"The statute didn't apply," insisted attorney Andrew Campanelli, who got no argument from the judge or prosecutor.

Before the hearing, neighbor Sheila Brown said the children's squeals were not your usual brand of merriment.

"I have five dogs," Brown said. "Five dogs don't make this much noise. This is not something that started yesterday. They have been asked politely, but this is an ongoing issue far beyond children just playing in the pool."

Poczatek offered a conciliatory message: "Yes, we will try to keep them quieter."

hom's

last week two sets of sextuplets were born in the united states. one set, belonging to mr & mrs masche, was born at 30 weeks, and all six children are doing very well. their mother suffered heart failure post delivery, but has rallied. and america is enraptured. cnn did a piece that aired here in hong kong. i saw them and was amazed. such sweet looking babies and SIX OF them, BIG! the mum did so well keeping them in for so long. i should ask her for tips.

little media coverage was given to the second set of sextuplets, the morrisons. these children were born at 22 weeks. three of those children have died.

i have debated selective reduction, ivf, responsible dr's, healthcare responsibility, general population mindset and sextuplets this week with many people. the first thing i have told my friends is: THESE BABIES WEREN'T IVF, they were iui. THANK YOU.

one of my non infertile friends in canada (yes, i have them) said that there is a reality show which features sextuplets and their parents. the show doesn't begin with a warning, like a packet of cigarettes of what the health risks and potential dangers of higher order multiples really are. that these children are in the few percent that do well. that when you have a house built for you, a loving and strong community donating holidays, vehicles, nappies, etc your financial strains aren't as real as others in that situation might be. it is a reality show that gives unrealistic perceptions as to what sextuplets are like. the parents are good parents, and they have indeed been blessed... that is not the issue..their sextuplets situation is not typical.

sadly, the morrisons seems to be. 

"you wouldn't change anything, would you?" people ask me.

how can i answer that? my children lived. so naturally, my answer is of course not. am i a better person because of the nicu experience? yes. have i helped others? probably.

BUT, that's not the issue. if one of my children had died, would i have wanted it to be prior to their delivery or afterwards? would i have wished that i had had fewer embryos transferred and done a FET later on?

this isn't a crisis of faith, i am not questioning my relationship with God, but i am questioning ME.

if things were different, i don't know how i would answer. i am just grateful today, as i think of the morrisons, that magnificent and i aren't holding their gnawing grief.

update - are we related?

my friend with the acquisitive sil did the right thing...she followed my advice.

she is letting her husband handle the entire issue. and from what i understand, he is taking a few days to calm down, has written three practice emails that he instantly deleted, and is planning on getting the final draft out in a few days. he's very clever and is letting her sweat.

i like the commenter that suggested that the sil might classify friend's daughter as an exchange student.

the judas mummy

i was searching clip art for a client yesterday night at 5.15 when i heard a bang, a pause and that scream that causes every mother's pupils to dilate.

the "this is serious" scream.

sebastian had been spinning around in the playroom while jasper played the guitar. sebastian slipped, and fell against the tiny table i had moved into the playroom. the kids had pulled the safety corners off. sebastian had cut himself.

he galloped towards me and i saw blood and asked lita to quickly get me ice and a towel. i moved sebastian to the couch and the triplets sat with us. lita came with the ice, and carys and jasper pressed it to sebastian's forehead, while sela went to show lita how the accident happened.

and then my two mongrel test tube babies had to say, "thebbie ith bleeding"

"sebbie is bleeding a lot" added the second.

THANKS KIDS. sebastian started crying anew, and pulled out his very red hand to look at. he wiped it on my YES! white shirt.

off to the hospital we went. given our dramatic appearance, we were triaged very quickly, before we had registered actually, but everything about my dear little man was normal, and he gave an impressively coherent account of how the accident occured, including arm movements. unfortunately, since his absent mother was not in the room when the event occurred, i couldn't say for sure if he had blacked out. (WAH). so he would have to be seen by a doctor. and that, they estimated, would be a minumum three hour wait.

i called lita and asked her to bring reinforcements. she did.

i bought sebastian a sausage roll and an apple juice. he wasn't hungry. we walked around the hospital for an hour, knowing we had lots of time to kill. we went back to starbucks. i had a cup of tea.

and finally, at 7.45 we went back to the hospital, and we read three franklin books and a chapter of THE MAGICIANS NEPHEW. (we finished the lion, the witch and the wardrobe last week). but it was too noisy to read a new unfamiliar book, franklin was definitely best.

by 8.45pm sebastian was ready to go home and so was i. time to pull out a secret weapon....THE PORTABLE DVD PLAYER!!! i grabbed it and put in STAR WARS. well, were we suddenly the most popular people in the world. the infirm and injured all suddenly decided they wanted to watch our 8 inch screen version, and reminisce in loud voices about luke and obi wan. whenever sebastian tried to lean forward to hear better, someone would pull him back, as he was now blocking his view. i put my arm around my boy, shot dirty looks to those i felt needed them (be your own judge as to how many ), and gave him a lolly and managed to say no, when two kids behind face masks asked if sebastian would share it with them.

imagine the disappointment when they called our names at 9.50pm. one of the lolly loving kids asked if i could leave the dvd player with him, and if i hadn't have known that we would be kept waiting at the next station for at least 20 minutes, i would have done. but it is a good thing i held on to our property, because it was a bit of a wait.

and now the tough bit.

the dr determined seb would need sutures. seb laid down on the bed. i held his hands and asked if he wanted to hear a story about little baby sebastian (one of his favourites). he nodded.

sebastian and i have done sutures before, remember last november? when he fell while running around a fountain? he was so cool.

but today, he saw the (MASSIVE) needle they were using to administer the local, and that freaked him right out, and things went, well, downhill from there. i started off holding his hands, but as they started to administer the local, he began writhing and screaming and moving his head, so i had to hold his head while lying on his torso. and without waiting, the dr picked up the needle.

and then he saw the needle, and he refused to shut his eyes. i am not sure why. but he saw the needle sewing his skin together, and he certainly felt it.

and then the screaming started. i don't really remember the words, but i remember the tone. please mummy please stop please.

and after two stitches the doctor did stop and tell him they were all done. and he was crying and i said "sebastian, have i ever lied to you>" and he said no and i said, " well honey, she is done. no more needle." and then the doctor said, " i need to do one more" and the begging started again.

i felt like judas.

then i had the choice, either let seb stay overnight for observation or to take him home and wake him up every two hours and see that he was okay. you can guess what i chose.

that was one of the worst feelings i can recall ever having. i have known the sickness in my gut from having betrayed loved ones and friends, my own physical pain, but this, was different, even from the triplets when they were in pain, even carys when she was so sick and in physical pain. i was judas. it was awful.

i was talking to a girlfriend the other day who has an adopted daughter. their adoption is international. no need to say whether the girlfriend is based in hong kong or elsewhere.

she relayed a very recent converation/email that she had with her sister in law.

her sister in law requested that all jewellery that had been passed down to my friend be returned to my sister in law, because she wants the jewellery to stay in the family, and you guessed it, because the daughter is adopted, she doesn't count as family.

!!!!

what does my friend's daughter count as? a tourist?

this stunned my friend and i.

when the couple had brought their baby home, sister in law had arranged a huge shower for my friend and her husband. it was a very thoughtful thing. she made sure that beautiful pictures were taken, etc and expressed how happy she was that friend and brother had adopted. to the extent of friend's knowledge, sil had never had fertility issues. but she was a very good friend to her brother and sister in law during their struggle.

so what does it mean to hear the news that your family doesn't consider your child worthy of family items?

when charles and i discussed adoption with our families (we tried international adoption before we tried iui and ivf) all we got was support. fantastic, excellent, that's great, will being in hong kong expedite the process ??? all sorts of loving, helpful questions. i suspect both sides of the family would be thrilled if we did adopt internationally, all my sisters (that includes in laws) are far superior with children than i am.

my friend feels stunned and furious, her husband feels furious.

do people really feel this way or is this just typical will avarice?

what can you say? what do you say?

sunday BLOODY sunday

sunday morning got off to an abrupt start when at 3.30am charles and i woke up simultaneously screaming at each other, "why did you turn on the light?"

outside the sky was white, as lightning bold after lightning bolt flashed across the sky. not good. suddenly, there was a streak of lightening, and then SMACK. loud lightning.

and voices.

FLASH  - CLAP

the kids weren't so much scared, but intrigued.  (jasper was a little weepy.) something loud had woken them up, what was it? they were desperate to get back to sleep, but it took them a good hour to get back to sleep. doors were banging all over the house, and it was a very loud time. thankfully, by 4.30am, instead of thunder clapping, it was rumbling, which as i have learned, means it is going away.

so they woke up again. charles went to the early service. and then it was the 11am, and i was teaching sunday school. a pretty good lesson, say so myself. the kids were very cute. we play this cuthroat game called find the Bible, which they love.

charles then left for singapore (bye bye honey, bring me back some noodles), which meant i had four kids to entertain all by myself (to quote eric carmen...which i shouldnt do). odila, joel, "tewwi" (also sans husband) and olivia and christopher invited us to lunch so we went to dan ryans.

people can be so kind, we have some friends at church who saw odila and i trying to herd the kids into a taxi (joel was helping terri with her herd) and they held umbrellas over our heads as we clamboured in...it's the little things.

the kids were good at dan ryans, until jasper, who was sitting next to odila said, "odila, i want to go right now." immediately terri and i looked at him and said, "are you going to vomit?" and he said no. i then asked if he had done a poo, or was going to. no and no. he climbed on to my lap and two minutes later was asleep.

after lunch i woke up a vile jasper who no longer wanted a helium balloon. problem? it was yellow. "the others" went in one direction, we went in another, as we got on to an escalator, jasper let go of my hand to pick up some money, and fell. you can imagine the gasp from the crowd. i instructed the other kids to stay at the top and dashed back the steps to pick up jj. all these women outside louis vuitton, "oh look at that little baby."

please.

my day discentegrated like newsprint in the rain after that. the taxi ride started with sebastian yanking carys by the hood of her jacket because she was getting in first and i had told him to. oh ho, the tears.

and then the fighting as helium balloons became entangled, people cried (me almost) because there wasn't enough room on mummy's lap for everyone.

and then at home, adam, chad, ashleigh and ella (1 year old!) came up for pizza dinner. and the kids were repulsive. sebastian was so cheeky.

chad and i decided to blame it on the bad weather and after seeing how foul my four were, he beat a hasty retreat.

i had enough. the triplets were in bed at 6.45 and asleep at 6.56. sebastian and i had a talk, and i explained why he hadn't been given dessert and why we wouldn't be reading "the lion, the witch and the wardrobe". we had a cuddle and then he went to bed. i read my Bible for a bit, had a cup of tea, and then watched csi.

and then it was pretty much over.

the ultimate addend-mum

so now you have officially met sandi. i don't blog about sandi often, which is odd considering that she is a huge part of my life, and has been since we met 10 years ago at a fetzer press wine tasting dinner. we were both press, and therefore we were meant to be sitting next to pr acolytes during the meal so with every course they could explain to us why the wine pairing was essential, and the vintage divine, etc -- and of course this was a huge farce because, epilepsy and alcohol are not the best of friends. i don't drink alcohol, (but if i do, i like vodka. finlandia.)

we got to chatting during the cocktail hour which was really a wine hour, and had such fun laughing that when the poor young helpless pr girl brought out the  placement for the evening, sandi announced, "forget it! i want to sit near tess and charles!". the aforementioned p.y. h.p.r.girl nearly expired, but what was she going to do? sandi was writing for the local wine magazine...she was the top dog at the event and they had to be nice to her. some hasty table changes were made and we cosily sat together, with every five minutes the pr team descending upon us to explain why the chardonnay ( this was 1997, pre-ABC days) was perfect with the asparagus soup.

after that evening, despite a two decade age difference, our friendship started in earnest. our "men" got along, and so did we. she enchanted me, and still does. she has some of the best stories, and her outlook on life is truly unique. every time a relative of mine comes to hong kong, she embraces them as her own, and offers to take them out for a day or week or....???

sandi attended our wedding, all the way from hong kong, and after sebastian was conceived, i announced my pregnancy to her in her kitchen. she looked at me for a long minute and said, "is this what you want?" and when i said, "oh yes" she smiled and said, "mazel tov! well this is fantastic news then!"

she was the first person to come and see sebastian in the hospital, arriving at 7.30am the day after he was born. "all kids get better looking and at least he has nice ears." she informed me definitely.

we didn't see each other as much after i quit my journalism job, but we only live a four minute walk away, which is nice. i can see her living room from my back room.

when i announced that i was pregnant with triplets, sandi looked at me, and among other things, said, "well, that's what you get for *^%&$&@( with mother nature."

that comment hurt me for a long time. it didn't alter the friendship, because i know it wasn't said as a judgement, nor did she wish me ill. it was her opinion. what did alter the friendship was the lack of time we had to spend together. i mentioned that comment to her 18 months or so ago, and we talked a bit about it. she was worried about me. that with my health i could handle it. i understand. as a friend who loves me, her first concern is going to be tess. or to quote the lady herself, "i'm jewish, i'm not the catholic church."

sandi comes over to me now, and my kids love her. the other day she cut jasper's hair. she laughs at how well behaved they are, and how nicely they eat. she, of all people, wouldn't say she liked my kids if she did not. believe me. sandi is the ultimate litmus test.

the other day, as she waiting for the lift, she said, "your kids, they're really great." the doors opened, she stepped in, and she backed into it and said, "i take back what i said three years ago."

"i know" i replied, "but thank you". the doors had closed by the time i had finished speaking, but she knows too. we're friends. we know.

and i smiled and went back inside to my kingdom.