Dim Sum Mum - Tess' Little Pieces

can you explain this to me?

yes, i may be great at preventing carys from exiting dramatically, but i don't understand myself. at ALL.

i need some insight and for this, i turn to you.

around four years ago, i realised i was ready to leave hong kong. i was not homesick, i was not any less in love with hong kong, but my wanderlust had kicked in. i was ready for new sights, smells, horizons, running paths and experiences for the family.

charles was quite definite he didn't want to move back to canada. it wasn't until we had a very close shave moving to the US that we realised that we didn't know if we were ready for silicon valley. we knew we didn't have enough money, that was certain!

so for the past four years, i have stayed in hong kong. charles has changed jobs, i know we are here for...a while. my children are very happy here. and i am taking care of the wanderlust in my own ways. the night hiking, the travelling alone or with a girlfriend in china, the wandering alone in streets in sheung wan and sai ying pun, i can always find something new, even in a city i have known since 1997.

and i love pokfulam. our community.
though i know if charles got a job elsewhere, i could leave tomorrow.

so i am ready to leave hong kong. i know this.
yet, apparently i am not ready to leave pokfulam for another location in Hong Kong.

Could someone please explain this to me?

For the past few years, charles has been pressuring us to move to the Sai Kung clearwater bay area. if we moved to this area, we would have a garden, a three story 2100 square foot home, a roof terrace and I have resisted. Excellent reasons all. the kids are happy where they are, they don't want to change schools. the bus system isn't so reliable. i might be isolated.

it would be a fantastic house. space. fresher air. for half the price of what it costs to buy a flat here that is half the size and has no view.

WHY AM I SO UNWILLING to leave my community but i am willing to leave the country?

 

wunning away fwom home

the other day i came home early from work so I could be there to discuss the kids' day before they started their 30 minutes of reading that is our after school schedule.

twice a week i am home by 3.30pm so i can be there for de-brief.

this day, sela burst in to my room and started filling me in on a challenge she was having at school and possible ways of solving it. in the background, i could hear carys stomping (she didn't take off her shoes?) and i knew i wasn't impressed...her voice was loud and angry. she came in to my room and i said I was busy with sela, i would talk with her next. with narrowed eyes, and barely opening her mouth, she informed me my time would not be necessary, as she, carys, was wunning away.

I now became aware of howls that i identified as jaspers. he stuck his head in the door and choked out, "mum! carys is running away! forver! stop her!" he was distressed and red, while the soon to be APB was cool as a cucumber.

she was holding baby alive, and wearing her pink travel backpack.

dressed still in her pe kit and wearing flip flops.

my heart flipflopped. running away? what had i DONE?

i told carys as calmly as i could that i was just wrapping things up with sela, and i would be there in a minute.

sela looked at me and said, "she won't run away."

jasper popped his head inside and shouted, "YES SHE WILL!" tears pouring afresh down his face.

i said, "i don't want her to."

i asked sela, "are we done here?" and she agreed we were and asked if she could stay in my room, turn on the a/c and wear my cosy robe for two minutes. i said yes.

i left sela and headed to the front room, jasper attached to me, urging me to run. indeed, carys was there, headed for the door. SEE MUM! stated jasper SHES LEAVING!. i asked her what happened. hand on the doorknob, she informed me, "i was walking home from school today and i know that x and y were talking about me mummy. I heard my name when they were whispering. they huwt my feelings. i was so sad. they made me cwy. i am never going to let them make fun of me again, so i am going to wun away."

HOORAY! it wasn't me!

still, she was sad. tears were streaming down her face.

"MUM! she can't go!" pleaded jasper. "Running away isn't safe! There are baddies!"

a little part of me, the detached journo part of me was curious as to where she would go.

my mum ran away when she was a tot. she made it to the end of her driveway and no farther because her suitcase was so heavy. she had packed comic books. i had never run away, and i think this is because my mum made us spend so much time outside in freezing cold edmonton that we saw it as a treat to be inside in the warmth.

however, i didn't like seeing my little carrot-sticks all sad. and jasper was driving me around the bend, but he was a very active conscience/id/whatever.

time to be mummy.

"oh carys."

"goodbye mummy."

NOOOO CARYS! wailed jasper.

"may I take a picture of you before you go?"

she agreed and i took two snaps.

STOP HER MUMMY SHE"S LEAVING SHE"S GOING!

she walked to the stairwell and i called her name. jasper's sobs were echoing in the hallway.

"Carys?"

"yes mummy?"

"Where are you going to go?"

her airy response was, "a fwiends".

"i see."

GRAB HER MUMMY!

I was trying to talk to carys while pushing jasper behind me, like you do a dog when a delivery person comes to the door.

and then what will you do?

"i will go to canada to see mo and blake."

"i'm glad you have a sensible plan"

"i do."

"What will you do about money?"

"oh."

pause.

"i need to come back inside for my wallet."

of course.

she stepped back across the threshold and i was happy. she had come back in of her own choice. good.

I had to keep jasper away from her, so i crushed him in my arms, and i didn't want to fall on carys just yet. so caged jasper who was issuing proclamations of love for carys and how much he had missed her had to do so while wriggling in my arms.

"carys?"

"yes" she stopped on her way to her bedroom. I forced jasper into his bedroom and told him not to bother carys and me for five minutes please. I LOVE YOU CARYS!

"why don't we sit down and talk about your plan? just so i don't worry? because I will miss you terribly, you know."

"alwight. i am going to go.."

"Carys," i interruped, "can we go sit down?"

"yes."

sela had abandoned my room for her room and a book, and so we went to my room. carys took her shoes off and climbed up on my bed. I suggested she remove her backpack as well, just for a bit. she agreed.

i asked if she could show me what was in her packback.

"Puppy," (a fave plush toy) "and nappies for baby alive."

"oh you are such a good mummy."

"yes."

Silence and a snuggle.

"so what is your plan Carys."

"I am going to go to Canada."

"What are you going to eat?"

"I will eat TIm Tams on the plane."

"But what about when you are at the airport? In case you want to buy a chocolate milkshake...."

"Oh....well then I weally need my wallet."

"I will miss you"
"I will miss you too mummy"

And Bebe will miss you" (Carys' much loved BEBE is on a timeout from her mistress as a punishment for Carys being "wude").

"I will come back in a month and get BEBE" I was informed.

"Or you could go in a month," I suggested.

"Yes."

DON'T GO CARYS! screamed earwigging jasper.

"And today, you could call X and have her come here for a playdate? I know Y is at swimming...."

Could you call, mummy?

No. But I can dial.

Okay yes, please.

WHAT"S GOING ON! jasper insisted from outside the door

So I dialed. And Carys spoke.

Hello X? Would you like to come over to play? My mummy says it is alwight with her. (pause, embarrassed sort of laugh), "I didn't know what you were doing with Y..." another pause..."gweat! oh and when you were here before and we played picnic you left your two pieces of plastic toast, and i found them. yes, plastic toast. or bwead."

this could have gone on, and on, but finally i just said, "hang up carys and let her come over."

and she hung up the phone, grinned hugely, and went off to unpack.

and jasper finally stopped crying.

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the food, lead on to ... fresher air?

My kids are gasping for rain. A big rainfall. A typhoon. Or a black rainstorm. Anything that would cancel school for the day. they'd be happiest with snow, but i am guessing that is not going to happen.

Typically, Hong Kong schools get one cancelled school day a year due to bad weather. There wasn't one last year and my children feel quite ripped off. I reckon there is one coming this year, and actually, I wouldn't mind if it was soon.

Why? Because IT STINKS IN HONG KONG. I don't mean the typical hong kong smell, i mean after weeks of no rain, there are areas of hong kong that stink of dog urine. the other day charles and i went for a walk and there was no romance...just choking as we tried not to tear up as that overpowering urine smell hit us in waves. there is dog pee coating the roads and stairs, and we need a nice brisk typhoon or horizontal rain to take care of it.

There was a slight rain on Saturday but it was nothing. Puddles barely lasted until midday and didn't help with the odours at all. Not impressed.

We are supposed to be entering into wet season. Where is the rain?

I know it would be no fun to have the kids cooped up here for the day, but I also know that accumulated layers of sour doggie wee laying in the hot sun stink. and continue stinking. so i think i would actually rather have the kids off for a day and in return get freshly clean sidewalks and stairways. and bushes. uck.

Bring it on.

 

 

 

sorry is such a sorry word

my very good friend lost her husband "salty" yesterday.

she doesn't live in hong kong, but we have been texting back and forth the past 24 hours.

i can't share what she has written, but her words have caused me despair and hope.

i won't try to describe the despair, but i will the hope. hope that i could be so brave, so focused, so "what would magnificent want" so present to the love people were pouring out, so able to accept help.

sorry seems like such a weak word. but at times, it is the only word you can offer.

and now, we have verbs. actions that make us a better partner. because we have the opportunity to be one today. unlike "my oprah" who is trying to make sense of the word widow. i can give her that.

i can remember with Oprah about the time Salty, Oprah and I "watched" the opening of the vancouver olympics and typing cheeky comments to me " a hockey player in a pickup truck....yes, these are Canadian Olympics!" because the local channels here weren't televising the games. 

We tell our children, "use your words", but when someone we love has died, it is time to use our actions. To live our lives better.

W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

And here is my personal favourite, I've blogged about this one before....  

Ithaca

When you set out for Ithaka ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty,
as long as a rare emotion
touch your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - you will not meet them
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raise them up before you.
Ask that your way be long.
At many a Summer dawn to enter with what gratitude,
what joy - ports seen for the first time;
to stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise, mother of pearl and coral,
amber and ebony, and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many Egyptian cities, to gather stores of knowledge
from the learned.
Have Ithaka always in your mind.
Your arrival there is what you are destined for.
But don't in the least hurry the journey.
Better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to give you wealth.
Ithaka gave you a splendid journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She hasn't anything else to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka hasn't deceived you.
So wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you'll have understood
what these Ithakas mean

-- Kavafy