hierarchy of needs

eight months ago my life was tres simple. starting in january 2004, life centered on calendar weeks. we had a few charts taped to the kitchen cabinets and the main one had a calendar. each week i triumphantly crossed off the week, and moved up a number, that brought us closer to the healthy delivery of the triplets. (our goal was to make it to 36 weeks…short by 10…oh well, we tried). i went on voluntary bed rest, i tried not to pick up Sebastian, i curtailed my activities. everything was focused on weeks.

in early February, it became about each day. each day brought us closer to 24 weeks; the earliest the babies could be born and possibly all still live. my stomach and discomfort was growing, but charles and i were a couple on a mission.

then on February 21 i was admitted to hospital. the part of my cervix that was meant to be effaced chose not to go with me. suddenly, it was down to hours. each hour the babies were not born was a victory.

then they were born, and my life became even simpler. it focused on life or death.

decisions that charles and i would have thrown back and forth for ages were suddenly crystal clear. simple. our life was centered on life and death. everything else was irrelevant and so easy to solve. yes or no. we could have counseled endless couples and job hunters. life… LIVING mattered. everything else, why let it bother you? simplify, simplify simplify.

fast-forward several months. my hierarchy of needs has changed. with life pretty much guaranteed for the triplets, (and sebastian and his identical older father, magnificent charles), my life can now incorporate issues and emotions that while in my life/death stage i would not have paid much attention to.

today, I was fretting over an event that “everyone” else knew about. the person throwing it had not contacted Charles and me, or made the effort to. it was starting to eat away at me.

and suddenly i realized that I DON”T WANT TO CARE. this was such a shock to me that I had to put down the cheetos to examine this thought, test it throughout various locations of my psyche to see if i meant it. and i realized i did. i really, really, really do not care. the pride part of me does, but that’s just habit. i really do not care. if someone doesn’t want to make an effort for me (knowing that we have not offended these people in any way), then i can’t worry about it. i cannot change other people.

we have other friends. my children are still alive. my husband is too. our marriage is strong. i am rebuilding the pieces of my old life to fit in with this new person with new circumstances i am learning i am.

it’s not a “stuff them” situation, "stuff them" indicates a vehemence that isn’t there. it is more an, “i’m surprised, but whatever, okay”.

and it is.

Triplet update:

today Charles took Jasper to the hospital. A month ago before jj’s cold he wheezed. During jasper’s cold, the fine doctors at queen mary hospital didn’t want to address the wheezing until after jasper recovered. however, they cautioned that once the cold went away, if the wheezing got worse before his next appointment (two weeks from now) bring him back. We’ve noted the last few days that mr. hungry is also mr. wheezy, and the last few nights have been rather rough for him, and therefore us (but that's a secondary point.) Midday today, with jasper’s breathing now making him quite uncomfortable compared to the light wheezing from a month ago, we agreed, “okay, it’s time to head in.”

Charles took Jasper to the hospital and I stayed behind to mind the clan with loyal mila. The hospital was not too busy but after a stream of serious emergency cases charles and jasper ended up being there for 2.5 hours. “it was a nice bonding session,” reported charles.

finally they were seen by a doctor. The doctor told Charles that Jasper should be admitted for "observation." Charles shot a look at the doctor – come on… we live five minutes away and have lived in this hospital for more than three months of 2004. What are you going to observe that we can’t observe from 5 minutes away...? Gimme the drugs! Verbally Charles said, “We live next door. We can observe him and if he doesn’t get better I’ll bring him back tomorrow. So tell me, what would you give him if you admitted him?”

the two haggled back and forth for a few minutes, politely Charles noted, because this was a doctor we’d seen before and liked.

finally the doctor said, “I’m worried he has pneumonia (read SARS paranoia)… I’ll make you a deal... chest x-rays for the kid... pneumonia he stays here, no infection he goes home with the drugs." Charles said, "deal." Jasper emerged infection free from the x-ray (but only after flirting with the x-ray nurses and being fascinated with the aiming laser) and now has about seven days of asthma type stuff to calm and sooth his unhappy little lungs. and of course, if he doesn’t improve Charles will be his word and take Jasper back!

in about an hour, during his midnight feed, Jazzy J will have his first dose of the drugs. two bottles warn of drowsiness – we predict he’ll sleep till noon. maybe we will, too… ah no... that’s right, we have three others.

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I feel privileged to be the first to have read your latest blog, honey. Again, I send kudos to you and Charles. God is 'fine tuning' you both - always tough but oh so rewarding.

Love you both, M xox

Posted by: Mum aka Mo aka Maureen | October 31, 2004 at 04:52 AM