between the babies being born and their homecoming some 100 days later, i didn't really feel like a mother.

one of my good friends was expecting her baby two months before our triplets were born. charlie was born early on march 6, the triplets were born even earlier 23 february. i would see her carrying her sweet contented baby, and i felt inferior.

i was laying in my hospital bed just after receiving my final steriod injection to help strengthen the babies lungs when i received a text message that my friends andrew and jin were headed to the hospital: their baby was on the way.

aww, how nice i thought. they are a SUPER couple that we like and respect very much.

six hours later as i lay on my side, willing the contractions away, i received another message from them, their baby had been born.

13 days later i saw them at church. their arms were full with typical newborn baby gear, blankets, baby capsule, bibs, nappies, wipes, change mats, the huge baby stroller. her breasts, swollen as she discreetly brought him to her for a feed.

my breasts, barely producing 100 mls per day. that the babies werent drinking. the only indication i had that i had that the babies had been born, was the numbness at my incision and eight extra pounds. i did not feel like a mother.

jin came over to hug me that day, and didn't bring her baby with her. i loved her for being so thoughtful, but i wanted to see her baby. i cried when holding the nine pound wonder, the baby was that sweet.

had i had a baby? babies, even?

a lot of time it certainly didn't feel like it. certainly my meagre milk supply didn't indicate any recent maternal activities. and these silent, flaky skinned creatures whose eyes had only opened just a few days earlier that i couldn't touch, they were my children? i didn't remember them coming from my body, the first time i saw them was in a photo charles took....were they my babies?

it seemed like it had all been a dream. the IVF, the OHSS hospitalisation, the spotting throughout the pregnancy, the hospitalisation, the emergency caesarean. or was that a nightmare?

and afterwards, was a deep fugue. i kept wishing that i could snap out of it, so i could be inspirational to other mums going through the same thing, but i couldn't. i could only be grateful, and weary. i was upbeat, but i wasn't breathing fresh air. i was enduring the stale stuff.

only now am i talking, writing, feeling it.

if this is difficult, i cannot begin to fathom all that others have endured.

but i can't own their experiences, or feel guilty that their grief has been worse than mine. (i haven't accepted this yet, i am still learning it. it is a tough concept to accept, and live! especially when going easy on yourself has never been a gift i've come by naturally.)

one thing i did learn from my children is that life is a gift worth fighting for. and worth living well. so, rather than bury all this stuff deep, i am walking through it. not alone. magnificent charles is here. and i feel peace. God is here too. 

Comments

[Mandy]

Oh yes, you are right, God is there too. It takes courage to sort through these type of emotions, and I admire that. In reading your blog and the site for the babies it is clear that you have all been through so much, and yet you have your sense of humor, your daily triumphs, those gorgeous children. Hurrah! :)

Oh and another thing, you are a mother of mothers. You've earned your badges in courage and strength, dedication and determination. Sounds like acceptance will be one of the next ones. The motherhood one? You started it long ago, and I'm sure you'll be taking it to new levels every day. But you are a mother, and a good one.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

Please, please please tell us, share with us and get these things off your chest. You are every bit of a mother as your friend with a 9 pounder, maybe even a teensy bit more.

[Boulder]

That was the one thing that always stayed with me as I read your posts about Jasper, Sela and Carys - that you and Charles were in this completely and totally together. And there is no doubt to me that from the moment you had your OHSS you were doing everything within your power to be the best mum possible. I can only imagine what your pregnancy was really like for you. The word fugue seems so accurate a description. The emotion, the surgery, the fact that you had Sebastian at home needing your love and care, the worry over the spot on Carys's lung, and having to make your decision about how to best give her a good life, even if it was possible it would be far too short, and oh so thankfully not.

Tess, you may not have felt like an average, every day mummy, but there is good reason for that. You have been an EXTRAORDINARY mummy. We've all been witness to it. Be easier on yourself, ok? (Pretty please?) And please share all you want, I love reading what you've written, even when the subject is a tough one.

xoxo

[Carrie Jo]

That reminds of something my husband and I talked about before we got married. He said to me, "Our marriage is not complete unless God is a part of it." And while neither of us practices any particular religion, we both have very strong faith in God.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Grief, sorrow, and stress come in stages. It probably wouldn't be very heathly to experience it all at once. It makes perfect sense to me that you're still sorting out all of your feelings since the birth of your babies. You're an amazing stong woman. It's so awesome that you and Magnificent Charles are so committed to eachother.

[Mum aka Mo aka Maureen]

Oh sweetheart! I have read today's blog about 3 times and cannot get through it without tears. I congratulate you for choosing to dig deep and walk through the tough stuff. Praise God for His help to you.

I so appreciate your friends who write responses to your blogs. Their honesty, support, unconditional love and care for my daughter, that would be you Tess!! really touches me. Thank you, dear friends of Tess.

xox

[Marikka]

Isn't it amazing to see that miracles still happen in our lives? Blessings, hugs and thanks for sharing.

[Julie]

Tess,

You certainly have a way with words, and I know your children couldn't ask for a better Mommy! Just take every thing one day at a time, and you'll be just fine... You're already doing better than you imagine you are!

Hugs
Julie

[Brandy]

I know what you mean. Please keep sharing your thoughts. You are a wonderful mother.
Hugs,

[Winnie]

Dear Tess,

Thanks God that Seb, Jasper, Sela and Carys had a SuperMom and Magnificent Dad!
When they're still small, they fight for their life every moment. At that time, You and Charles stand by their side, support them, and pray for them! It's far more than a usual mom and dad, not just the breast milk...

yes, the road is not easy, but God prepared the best for your family! Thanks for sharing your feeling and experience to us, we'll keep praying for you all.

Hugs
Winnie

[Jody]

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my goodness, YES.

[Sara 观星]

You're every bit a mom. I understand what you're saying, though. There's a necessary disconnect in such situations, because you have to be strong--but it doesn't make you any less a mother. It anything, it makes you more of one--because you were put in an impossible situation, and you held yourself together.

Situations like yours and Tertia's, I can't even begin to fathom. The people you were thinking about as "real moms" with their 9lb bouncy infants? They have it easy, so who's to say that in the silly contest of "who's a real mom", that you don't have their butts whipped?

[Tertia]

Writing is so therapeutic, so glad you are healing by writing. you went through so much, it will take quite some time to heal all the bits.

xoxox