dec 2/2001

sebastian blake has arrived, and while on his birthday he looked like MINI-ME (from the movie, not like me!), 2 days later he just sort of looks like winston churchill.

thursday night charles had an awards banquet that i attended. the doctors appointment late that afternoon had been nothing much. the baby hadn't descended, cervix slammed shut... make another appointment for next week.

charles won the award for outstanding human resources director, hong kong (YAY!) so we headed out for a late night celebratory dinner. excellent food, a little spicy, but lots of carbohydrates. within 30 minutes of eating, i had very loose poo.  a friend visiting from vancouver joined us and came back to our place. we sat on the terrace talking until 11.30 when I announced that i was going to bed. i brushed my teeth and for some reason, threw a fresh panty liner into my undies and kept them on.

charles and my brother, graeme, stayed up with our friend scott until 2:30am.  at 4.30 i woke up, noting that i had soaked my panty-liner. i had been having urine control problems the past three days (thanks for nothing, kegels) and i had been having discharge during the daytime. i slid out of bed,  went into the bathroom, changed my undies and put in a fresh liner. i went back to bed, pushed charles over and went back to sleep. at 5.30 i woke up and the liner was soaked again. i walked to the bathroom and a little trickle went plink – plink – plink onto the tiles. my cat, cee cee followed me into the bathroom and looked and me. “hmmm, kitten. are we in labour?"

i didn't think so. there was no mucous plug for starters and my bed was dry. this was just pee and leukhorria. i was so proud of myself for thinking rationally. but still...i saw my brother's light was still on, and for the rest of my life we will be embarrassed of this, but i said to him, "graeme, could you please smell my underwear and tell me if this smells like pee."  graeme replied with, "tess, even if we were dating, i wouldn't do that."

"graeme, i think i might be in labour."

"tess.... try charles."

"he's asleep, graeme."

we were stumped. charles deserved to sleep, didn't he?

"i know, cats hate the smell of pee, don't they?"

"yes, they do," i replied.

"lets get cee cee to smell your underwear, if she runs away, then we'll know it’s pee,"

"great idea!" 

very impressed with ourselves, but cee cee the wondercat walked away from the undies after one sniff. graeme and i were undecided as to what that meant. graeme determined his medical expertise was no longer required and weaseled off to bed. so i dangled the panties under charles' nose (didn't kim basinger do that in 9.5 weeks?) and stated my case. he agreed that the undies indeed did not smell like urine. so i explained that think I am in labour.

“are you in pain?” he asked. 

“no,” i replied.

“do you have contractions?”

“no, just some BH in lower abdomen,” 

i was feeling twitchy. i had occasional darting pains from my vagina to my belly button, but that wasn't labour....not according to the books, anyway.

“then i think you should get some sleep. you’re probably in the first stages and you should try to sleep, you might not even see the mucous plug. conserve your energy and sleep.”

good advice, and i went to bed, but these irritating braxton hicks contractions were continuing. crotch to belly button. after ten minutes i got up, deciding i had better work on my freelance story. i took “what to expect when you’re expecting” with me to the bathroom where i noted i was now spotting and had mucous threaded with blood. “what to expect when you’re expecting” said i might be in the early stages – or i might be in false labour… a big help. cee cee looked at me and jumped into the bathtub. i gave her a little bit of water to drink.

sitting on the toilet felt good. i stayed there, and tapped away on my story. we love laptops.

i tried to work on my story but was too distracted. i MSN'ed my sister who informed me i was in labour. i went over to charles with our ante-natal book and said, "honey, i really think i am in labour" and suddenly he was upright and making plans. it was 6 AM. only 6am? was time slowing down? certainly during these pains it seemed to. they were lasting forever.

we went through our antenatal binder where the literature explained that false contractions started at the bottom of the uterus. real contractions were felt across the back and top of the abdomen, eventually covering the entire uterus. so this was false labour.

i was relieved. imagine if i had gone to the hospital. EVERYONE would have laughed at me: "Ha Ha rookie, come back when you are in REAL pain", or something like that. close call.

well, at 6.30 i called the hospital. the contractions were in the same place, and although the book said they were not REAL, they were coming with a real regularity. i figured wrong place vs. regularity...i might have a case. i thought i might have to defend my case a little, but the minute they heard "bleeding, five minutes apart..." they said come in whenever. soon.

i said i was going to stay at home and shower. they said fine, but i could shower there. i made a bundle of sandwiches (as per the book, we haven't eaten them) and packed the last minute items for my hospital bag that i had taped to the back of the door. i told charles to go to work to get his computer (for downloading pictures) and woke up my brother.

"charles is going to the office, and i am going to have a shower. can you stay here and talk with me?"

"why do you need me in the shower with you? tess, you are getting weird," 

"the baby is on its way," 

"really?" we both turned to look at cee cee the wondercat, who was following me from room to room, and patiently waiting for me to notice and stroke her. i started to feel really emotional. everything was changing. poor cee cee, so loyal and loving. she was my cat.

by now, rotating my hips during contractions wasn't as helpful as it had been an hour before, and DH's hands on my lower back weren’t quite as soothing as they had been. after three minute apart contractions I said to the now dressed charles ferociously,

“forget the office, charles, i want to go to the hospital right now.”

both graeme and charles were so relieved! graeme promised to stay at the flat until our weekend guests arrived, and then to screech over to the hospital.

into the car we went. i knew this would be painful. it was. but charles, who was timing the contractions, was amazing, and kept telling me when the pains should be subsiding, that it was halfway over, i was doing amazingly, and he was so in awe of me it made such a difference. charles called the hospital:

“this is charles caldwell calling, tess’ husband. we’re going to come into the hospital right now. i just want to you know what we’re dealing with. we have severe pain and lower abdominal contractions every two to three minutes. we should be at the hospital in about 45 minutes.”

the hospital staff was terrific, saying we were doing the right thing and they looked forward to seeing us. 

like everyone else in hong kong, we have an exotic European car – a porsche. my brother had to belt me in the car with my face and knees facing the seat back as if I was on all fours. the belt went across my bum. bucket seat porsches are hardly comfortable when it comes to labour. i had at least five contractions in the car while on the way to the hospital. ouch! charles was amazing, and i remembered to tell him that yes, it hurt, but I loved him and it was definitely worth it. we both commented, rather emotionally, on what a beautiful day it was… and it really was – as we drove to The Peak along a curving uphill road the sun splattered across the leaves, trees and roads. pain aside it was a gorgeous drive. we called my mom, and charles had to use his “mrs. soprano” voice to cover up the whirl of emotions surfacing within him.

“we’re going to the hospital,” he croaked.

“whatever for,” my mom asked, “what’s wrong?”

“because we’ve got severe pain and lower abdominal contractions every three minutes,”

“REALLY!? but he's not due for another two weeks yet...oh chuck, you two just go on your way and know we love you. call us to let us know what’s happening,”

we both started crying again when she said, “just go on your way…” what a nice expression…and very shortly, it would never be “just us two” ever again. after all those months of thinking we would never be parents, we were (hopefully only a few) hours away from becoming a family!!!

we parked illegally at the hospital (but apparently no one cared so charles parked there all weekend) and walked to the elevator. i tried to hustle past check in, and surprisingly, they let us pass. no problem, sir,accompany your wife...all we need is your credit card.....

upstairs there was someone waiting for us (check in had informed them) and i said between chattering teeth, “i am not sure if I am in labour, because pains are only from my pelvis to my belly button”.

the very sweet scottish nurse said, “yes, tess, you are in active labour. let's get you into labour and delivery.”

excuse me? labour and delivery? what happened to sitting in a room for a while, walking the halls, the soothing baths...i was still celebrating being right about being in labour, i wasn't ready to have a baby. didn't i need to walk the halls for a while? what about the sandwiches?

i said i wanted to walk to the room. (i don't know why) and had a severe contraction en route to the room. the nurse laid her hand on my stomach and told me the contractions were really strong. we had a host of concerns but the nurse said in her sweet scottish voice, “well that’s all fine, tess, you’re doing really well and everything’s going to be fine. you’re in labour and you’re going to have you’re baby soon!” i don't know why, but that made me feel like i was doing a good job. charles clearly remembers the nurse taking every concern that we had away from us… the worry turned to excitement and anticipation.

i also felt like it was high time to get the epidural going. my midwife paged the darling fellow and although he arrived at my room 30 seconds later, i felt it took too long to get the pain relief going. At 9am they said i was 2cm dilated, but going through transition. only 2cm? no big deal.

i didn't have time to change into a t-shirt. i just stripped down to my bra and got ready for action. I felt very purposeful. not a lot of desire for talk that wasn't essential.

charles was particularly wonderful. as the dr was getting ready to give me epidural, he warned me to stay still. charles said to him, "well, she will be having a contraction in 10 seconds, can you wait until it is over." i was so grateful for him, his presence of mind, his continual concern for my well -being.

the drugs really threw me for a loop (NO REGRETS). the numb legs were okay, but i lost control for about 20 minutes. i was very happy and saying what i thought were deep and profound life observations. i kept looking around for a pen to write them down. i asked the dr not to top up the epi.

but after that time passed, i felt baby moving, and the midwife was constantly adjusting the fetal monitor downwards. i thought that was very neat. i was feeling the contractions, but not the intense pain i had previous to the epi. but it was happening fast.

90 minutes after my initial exam, at 10.30, the doctor, who walked into my room wearing white rubber boots, said i was fully dilated and could start pushing whenever. i said i wanted to wait until my brother arrived. he smiled and said, "sure" but stayed in the room. ten seconds later i told him i wanted to start pushing.

the epi had worn off, and the pain was so different to what it was earlier. now it was more of a pressure, there was more time between the contractions, and it was powerful pain, encouraging me. i started remembering songs, that urged me onwards.

if i had a hammer, i'd hammer in the morning i'd hammer in the evening, all over this land

i had brought a picture of charles and i on our first date to use as my focal point. i stared at that, and pushed, although after a while it was easier to keep my eyes shut. i remember hearing a strange, high pitched exhaling scream, and realising it was my voice, at the end of each of each series of four pushes. i even felt capillaries on my face breaking. it was like a scene from csi.

i’ve heard it too many times to ignore it, it’s something that I’m supposed to be, someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.

i was using gas to control the pain (why be in pain if you don't have to be?). and i felt myself leaving my body, and pain. i was forgetting where i was, and why i was here. i knew there was a job to be done. and that i was the only person in the world who could do it. every time charles handed me the tube, i would look in his eyes and he brought me back to clarity, and i remembered everything. the balance between the two states of mind, rather than confusing me, calmed me.

Holy holy holy, Lord God Almighty, early in the morning, our song shall rise to thee!

between contractions, as i greedily gulped in the gas, i was above myself, and felt a part of this continual cycle of birth, life and womanhood. centuries of experience encouraged me, female ancestors whispered me on, with the voice of my husband, brother and by now, doctor talking to me.

i think i can i think i can said the tired engine train it doesnt matter if they don't believe i believe if i try i can never be weak again!

the baby's head is large.

(i had figured that out myself, actually.)

the baby should have been born by now.

(that would have been nice.)

we can either cut you, or you can keep trying. can you keep going?

i can do this, i want this, no more drugs. 

kyrie liaison down the road that i must travel kyrie liaison through the darkness of the night kyrie liaison will i go and will you follow?

and i kept pushing. i knew that i would be able to push until this baby emerged. was it a baby? at times i didn't know. i just knew there was an end in sight, and i was the only one who could complete this.

me.

i was so responsible. so immensly important.

i didn't hear the dr say that one more push and the head would come. i did hear my brother laughing and crying "oh wow tess"...i did feel my husband’s fingers and squeezed them and told him I loved him.

i believe i can fly i believe i can touch the sky think about it every night and day spread my wings and fly away

incredible pressure on my anus, a piercing clean white hot slice slightly above that, pressure, my voice, and sudden relief.

and one more push. and a hot, squalling, little moving bundle on my stomach, and the sounds of three men crying. and me, sobbing.

hugging, holding. i was feeling monumentally insignificant and important.

oh my little baby, i love you so much

you have to search for the hero inside yourself search for the hero you find.  search for the hero inside yourself until you find the key to your life

it was painful, it was beautiful. the pain ended, the beauty hasn't. i feel the glory will be with me always. if i were to never do anything else of note in my life, i think i would still feel fulfilled.

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I hear your voices when you call me
I am your Angel,
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near

what a solemn little man the doctor said

he's not a little man, he's sebastian!

dh cut the cord, there were no stitches, delivered the placenta no worries, then the midwife and dr left dh, graeme, sebbie and me alone for 45 minutes. we cried, laughed, and i watched charles and grae lift seb up and hug him, all together. it was overwhelming. so much love, such a tiny person.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray you'll never know dear, how much i love you please don't take my sunshine away

then they weighed him...6lbs 7 oz, and then to my room where I breastfed him. i wanted to walk back to my room, they wouldn't let me.  he was a trooper and has fed well from the start. he only lost 3 oz in the hospital. has some jaundice. and many endearing little habits. i have boobs now. they hurt, when my milk came in today, I cried! so did seb and charles, but with delight! he is tiny, and funny, with an endless supply or tragically comic expressions, limp limbs,

with clothes hanging from him, and drooping little crevices and chicken legs, and i am already teary at the thought that one day he will grow out of these clothes. how pride and sorrow will mingle on that day.

from your head to your toes you're not much, goodness knows, still you are precious to me, as sweet as can be, baby of mine

i left the hospital today. charles, seb and i hiked home three kilometres. it was such a time of love and reflection, we had hiked that path when we were dating, then married and planning our family, then battling infertility, and most recently, intoxicated with this blessed

pregnancy. and now today, following those early footsteps, a new stage in our life, as a family. welcome to our season of joy.

at last, my love has come along my lonely days are over and life is like a song you smiled and all my tears were passed and here we are,

wrapped in clover because you are mine, at last.

(our wedding song - now expanded)

praise God from whom all blessings flow

sorry so long, the day my milk started probably wasn't the best day to write this, very very emotional. xoxoxoxoxo

Comments

[Boulder]

Wow. I'm sitting here with all of these "goose bumps" from reading your beautiful words. No wonder you were weepy at Sebby's party. And now your BFNs on the way to your incredible 3 seem that much more sad, when you see what you were working so hard to achieve once again. So glad you are now 6!

xoxo

[Trinie]

Darling Tess,

That was beautiful. I'm not surprised that Seb gives you so much joy every day - and now you have three more. Feeling very teary after reading it.

[Auntie Pammie]

Score: Tess 2, Pam : 0. this is the score for how many times you have made me cry today with your writings. Every time I read Seb's birth story I cry.
Please give him extra kisses and hugs from this Auntie .

[Julie]

Tess,

That was a wonderful birth story! I laughed and I cried... Sorry, I did have to laugh over the underwear thing! LOL! But what a beautiful tribute to your son! Wish I had your talent for writing!

Hugs
Julie

[Alex]

Tess,

I foolishly read this at work today so there was some surreptitious sniffling going on and rapid blinking to avoid the tears that were looming. What a wonderful story and it brought back memories of Ryan's labour with a force. I know what you mean about not wanting to look like a rookie deliverer and turning up at the hospital too early. Ryan nearly ended up in the cab...

Your words have such intensity, humour and an ability to connect with your reader. I'm in awe as always.

Happy 3rd Birthday to Sebastian!

love Alex

[Tertia]

Absolutely beautiful, how lucky you are to have experience that.

[Cricket]

The panties part make me choke with laughter!! I was just talking about my version of that with my boyfriend this weekend.

With my son, my water broke just after midnight. I could feel and hear it, so I was quite sure about it, even if it was 3 weeks early. I rushed to the potty. The 'water' was clear, but it reeked of sex, definitely not urine. I called my midwife. She questioned whether it was really urine, then told me that amniotic fluid smells like straw to her. Nope, clearly a sex smell to me, I told her.

When I saw her later that morning, she knew what it was from the strong straw smell, according to her nose, but it still smelled like sex to me. (And I had had no sex for months, hubby - now ex - was stationed in Europe, so it wasn't sex smell from sex :)

[Bridgette]

What a beautiful birth story Tess. Happy Birthday Sebastian!

[Jenn]

So beautiful, so magic

[Trish]

Oh my, now I have tears in my eyes... BEAUTIFUL story- beautiful ending... Happy Birthday, little man!!!

[Lauren]

Bee-yoo-tee-ful
and funny too, just like Tess herself.

Dear Tertia: we all wish a beautiful experience too

[Lauren]

You, we wish you a beautiful experience.

And Sebastien: Hippo birdie two ewes