...i just don't know it yet.
how come so many people hate what time does to us? i love it. i need time and its perspective.
there are warnings everywhere.
sings billy joel...
these are the times to remember, 'cause they will not last forever
charles dickens agrees..
they were the best of times, they were the worst of times
and many of my other 80's icons from dennis de young to simon and garfunkle (i discovered them in the 80's, so they count) are cautiously and continually reminding me that:
i am going to look back on these days as the best times of my life.
not easiest. definitely not.
but best.
we are all together. the children have all been held by their grandparents. please God, this summer we will get a four generational picture of women: my gran, my mum, myself, sela and carys. that is amazing stuff.
my children (and this is not always a good thing) are no farther away than the confines of the apartment, or as far as the school bus takes them. i am surrounded by love. and its obligations.
unless he's travelling, magnificent charles and i are sleeping beside each other, not angry and silent separated by a wall, or by death, every night. i don't scratch his hair, back and bum like i used to, but i still do it, especially when he's asleep to watch him make that reactive happy smile.
i'm grateful, if slightly disbelieving that these will be looked back as the best of times. i know they will. i know that the tired days will be replaced with the memories of what happened during those days.
these were the days that made me. refined me. made me listen and see God in ways and places i never had before. this was the year that made me promise to do more with my life, after witnessing how precious life is and how hard my children fought for theirs. people i quickly learned to care for also lost dreams, children and their wishes for one last hug, one more day makes me realise i am so lucky to have these days, even if i stumble through them.
i saw friends realise and hold their dreams. wives, children, husbands, friends reunited.
and i watched miracles, three miracles, thrive.
but of course, surviving a miracle is tough.
tiring.
emotional.
requiring (but not always receiving) unselfishness (particularly given without a sigh, eye roll or complaint).
and even though i KNOW it right now, and BELIEVE it as love and obligations and children are growing and decimating me and rebuilding my soul and my physical appearance, the reminders that this was as good as it gets, and it was pretty good, and yes, chaotic, tiring, and all those other words, is kind.
they were the worst of times, and they're also the best of times.
time will reinforce that.
and perspective.
and apparently, i will wish i could relive these days.
the times are that good???
they will be.
in time.
i think i need to read this every day that Sagan turns in to Monster Boy (like, oh, last night?).
very eloquent.
very true.
Posted by: knobody | January 21, 2005 at 09:10 PM
Beautiful post. Course I'm many hours away, but this was a good post to start my morning, and get centered again. Thank you.
Posted by: Maggaggie | January 21, 2005 at 10:49 PM
Wow...I am going to have my husband read this. Very inspirational. I just found your site, so I don't know your story, but you sound like an amazing individual.
Posted by: carol | January 22, 2005 at 01:35 AM
You write so beautifully Tess - and what you write is so true & perfectly put.
Posted by: Kate | January 22, 2005 at 11:17 AM
Very lovely.
Posted by: Lioness | January 22, 2005 at 12:23 PM
Isn't it strange that perspective to times that seem trying in the present will give them a certain allure later? I've found myself thinking that about more than a few times recently about different stages in my life. A longing almost. To go back to before. Before I knew the things I know now. To times that I didn't think I liked particularly then.
The Age of Innocence?
Posted by: Boulder | January 22, 2005 at 06:08 PM
Tess- I am a fellow TC poster who randomly pulled up your blog today. (I had this bokmarked from when the tsunami first happened). I needed this.
I appreciate your wisdom and your godly perspective on life.
Thank you & God Bless!!
Posted by: jenplus3 | January 24, 2005 at 01:39 AM
I think you forgot to add "this was the year my most dearest and loyal friend Maddy enriched my life with her humor, kindness and delightful pesonality"...hummm....
Posted by: Maddy | January 25, 2005 at 05:29 AM
Tess, I "lurk" on the preemie baby board on TTC. All of you with preemies inspire me to be a better mother.
You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. And when I say beautiful, I mean truly beautiful. Your children are lucky to have you as a wonderful mom and they are beautiful as well. The way Carys laughs at Seb, it's wonderful. Hold your chin up and lean on everyone for support.
Hugs.
Lindsey
Posted by: Lindsey | January 25, 2005 at 11:25 AM
This post is wonderful. You have such a great outlook on life. I wish that the whole world could read this as it is so profound.
I spent most of the day thinking about what you said.
You must be an amazing person to have such insight. From what I've read about you, you are a very strong woman. May you continue to overcome life's struggles with such grace.
-from a fellow Canadian (Ontario)
Posted by: Ashleigh | January 25, 2005 at 11:31 PM