opportunity and memories lost

you know how sometimes you just have a feeling. a gut instinct that you'd rather ignore but you can't.

when sebastian was a toddler, we took him to toronto. my family had all been to hong kong to meet the bald headed wonder, but magnificent and i wanted sebastian to meet his toronto family as well. and so we headed off to eastern canada.

before our travel plans were even firm, i said to charles,

we need to get a Caldwell family photo this summer. of everyone. there are two new babies in the family, we need to get a family photograph.

the last family photo of charles' side of the family had been taken in 1999 at our wedding. but it was now 2002! my nieces no longer resembled the flower girls they had been. and i had this insistence that we had to get a family photograph taken. i didn't closely examine the WHY? just went with the instruction.

i bought some special black and white film. if this photo was not taken, it would not be because of lack of film. magnificent was originally pleased with my photo mindedness, but the constant referral to it must have been wearying.

and i did often mention it. usually, my obsessions would operate like this:

mention and repeat for one week: "wow, i wish they still made wig-wag chocolate bars. they were the greatest." (anyone else remember wig-wags??)

for two weeks ruminate and refuse to be distracted: don't distract me with talk of other chocolates, all other chocolates are eschewed.

it ends: magnificent: "enough wig-wag chit-chat. i can't bring them back." and then i eat a skor bar, and i'm fine.

but this was more of a fixation on getting a family photo...this was an insistence. the reminder to take the opportunity. the nudging feeling this must be done SOON was constant. i mentioned the photo to my in-laws and they all agreed to sit for one. excellent. it was going to happen. i also knew, this was our last chance to get a complete family photo. and as the visit drew closer, i again didn't analyse WHY.

we were together as a complete family twice that visit. both sil's and bil's were working during the days, we couldn't expect them to take the week off for us. we have friends in toronto that we were also spending time with, so nights we might have gotten together as a family, mag. charles, "wassin" and i had already made plans. it's tough returning to a place. they have their lives.

the last day we were together we went over to the club. a beautiful location, and i had my camera. i mentioned the picture to charles and his father. we needed to get this picture.

we ate lunch, and afterward i suggested the picture. no one really took up the idea or wanted to discuss it.

and this is where you know you should stop mentioning it because you are irritating others. especially since this isn't your family, and maybe the emphasis on family photos isn't as important and they think you are insane.....ENOUGH WITH THE MENTIONING IT.

but the GUT INSTINCT wasn't letting up. so i mentioned it one last time. (of course i did).

we didn't take the group photo.

it's not like they were ignoring my request. nothing like that. it just didn't happen. and i whinged on the going home how i wished we had taken that photo. i needed some outlet for the disappointment and dread in my stomach.

and a few months later, magnificent charles' mum died.

should i have been more persistent that day? probably. i wanted that photo for magnificent, for sebastian. and me. i wanted it for me less which is how i can justify that i wasnt being selifhsly greedy in pushing for it. charles does not see his family often, sebastian wouldn't remember them....i wanted sebastian to be able to see the family of which he is a member. i wanted charles to have an updated picture of the faces that surrounded him as he grew up. to look at in between the phone calls and emails....i wanted him to have this photo!!!

and i knew there would not be another chance.

my family takes a family picture every year. (we also fight and make up every year and dissect each other psychologically.) that is our family. i know there are many ways to make someone far away feel close to the family. calls, emails, recommending books they are reading...oh believe me I KNOW. we know his family loves him. but i just wanted this picture for the men in my life.

i dream about charles' mum maybe once a month. at first, upon waking, i would try to analyse the dream to determine if she had mentioned or alluded to the lost photo opportunity. she hasn't yet.

but charles has.

and that saddens me.

Comments

[Rhonda]

Oh Tess, I know what you mean.

My parents have been divorced since I was 9 years old and as of my wedding (8 years ago this coming April) I don't think my parents had been in the same room more than a handful of times. Mom lived in the northeast US; Dad lived in Florida, then in California. Mom told me before the wedding to tell the photographer to get a family picture with her, Dad, my brother and me, all in the same film. But we forgot to mention it, and Mom didn't think to remind me during the reception. There were several pics with Dad and his girlfriend, and lots with Mom, but none with all of us together.

When my brother got engaged we hoped that we could get that family portrait...but Dad died some months before my brother's wedding.

[Boulder]

I'm sorry that you don't have that picture for the men in you life & for you too. I know how sad that can leave you feeling.

It is strange to be so in touch with the clues that you are sent in the world, isn't it?

I have these senses all the time. After 13 years of marriage, my husband has learned that it is best to listen when I have these gut feelings. My family, my friends, and even now my doctors also listen. I'll tell you some of my stories some time - maybe over tea one afternoon in HK, ok?

Go with your gut, it is wise & knows what your brain can sometimes not yet realize or understand.

[tess]

exactly the same thing, rhonda.

oh by the way, i think our cats are related.

i tried to leave you a message, but i don't have a password, even though i applied and tried for one???

[Maggaggie]

Hi Tess, I can relate. Today is a tough day for me. Aside from being Valentine's Day, it is also the one year anniversary of a friend's death. I thought I was doing OK till the drive in to work, and the tears started coming. Wish I would have done more, wish I would have gotten together with her more, talked on the phone more. She comes to me a lot in my dreams, at least once a month-sometimes more. Haven't figured out the meaning yet. Anyway, I'm rambling, but wanted to say good post today and that I can relate.

[carol]

Tess, I don't know how I discovered your blog, but I really like it. I was especially moved by your description of the beaches in Phuket. This post was also meaningful as my mother is dying of cancer and I just moved about 10 states away from her. I was home with her at Christmas and took about 100 pictures. She has quickly deteriorated, but is doing okay. I am so thankful for those pictures and so sad for your husband that he didn't get those last ones. Actually, though, people's memories are amazing and he will always carry her in his heart.

[Lindsey]

Well at least you don't have the guilt of not mentioning it. I hope next time they will listen to you. At least Sebastian and MC know that they need to go with your gut instinct. :) I've learned to always trust mine.

Hugs Tess!