Well here we go.

Saturday feb 21

The gathering of the storm, Charles and I went in for an appointment with dr cora ngai at 11.20am. it was just meant to be an ultrasound, I had seen her a few days previously. Charles and I discussed as we walked (five minutes walk - it is a flat road) to the appointment how soon I would need to be driven to these appointments. And what we would do later that afternoon. Last time I saw dr cora, I had complained that jasper’s head was jamming into my cervix and I felt like he was going to fall out. She did a quick internal exam and all proved to be well. (aka: there was no baby falling out of my vagina.)

We sat waiting at K5 and I was tired and the seat hurt my back. I put my head in Charles’ lap. This clinic is mainly for IVF patients, who are getting lining checks and we looked at the couples there, some of them watching us, and remembered anew our IVF journey. We looked at the tension and weariness in their faces. How much at stake. And we felt very blessed. I didn’t even complain that we had to wait for 45 minutes. These couples were way more important than we were.

At that time we had no idea that 26 weeks into a pregnancy meant that the babies might live. Dr Luke’s book did mention 26 weeks and surviving babies, but it seemed so unlikely. their heads were the size of tangerines. And then there were all the negative stories. All the mention of “surviving triplets”, which was inconceivable to me. Now that the first trimester bleeding had stopped there was nothing that indicated I wouldn’t go to 34 weeks, although 36 was our secret milestone. Oh we wanted that. Mainly because we wanted to prove to the doctor who had advised selective reduction that we had made the right decision. Tess and pride….virtually interchangeable are we.

So it was a huge surprise when I had assumed the now overly familiar spread eagle position and the magic wand was just starting to interrupt the upside down fuzzy grey fan on the screen, when Dr ngai put down the wand and said, there is something wrong with the machine, excuse me I will just get my colleague.

Charles and I looked at each other, and a very tiny tiny niggling of doubt trembled up my spine. The machine actually looked fine, and after all these IVF’s, we sort of figured we were experts on how ultrasound machines should look and behave. But you never knew, maybe this one needed a new light or something?

I needed a new cervix.

Colleague in tow (head of the obs/gyn department…I recognised him), very slowly, Dr Ngai re-inserted the wand. But it still seemed to be a very external scan. She pointed to the screen and said, “I am not even inside, and I can see the top of the first sac. Triplet one has dropped. We need to do an internal.”

EXCUSE ME?

But jumping into the stirrups was nothing new for me, and so I clambered in, and Dr Cora and Dr Leung (head of the department) checked me out and confirmed what they feared, I was 80 per cent effaced.

Effaced has nothing to do with one’s face. I should note that.

A cervix can do two things…it can get shorter/longer, or open/shut. When they talk about being dilated, that’s the open/shut business. Effaced is shorter/longer, and my cervix was 80 per cent effaced. From 100 it had lost 80 per cent of its…facings???  NOT GOOD. That’s why the sac was peeking through, because there was nothing really holding it up anymore.

I needed to get emergency steroids shots to help develop the babies lungs.

Why?

Because your babies could be born anytime.

These babies? Pointing to my stomach.

I felt confused. The babies born now?? I felt scared. But I also felt God with us. I was calm enough to discuss with dr cora how likely it was that labour would begin. Dr cora and dr leung explained that this does not mean I am in labour, but I do need to be very careful and in case labour does start, take the steroid injections. But…the steroids could cause neurological problems down the road. Yet they recommend that we get started on them right away. They need 48 hours to take effect. They didn’t want to get into huge discussions now…they promised they would come back but right now I needed to get that first shot into me.

I am seriously worried. I get hustled up to the 9^th floor, where I am assigned a bed. I don’t put on the pink pajamas they hand me, instead I wait until charles returns with some XL Victoria secret pajamas and some lunch. I am still trying to eat. I can help my babies by eating. I am given the first injection at 1pm. I have a bed beside the window and I am watching the traffic go by and planning how I am going to survive.

A contraction monitor indicates that while I am having contractions, they are mild and not felt by me at all. They are all registering under 15. and I can’t feel a thing, really I can’t.

By 4pm, the contractions have ceased and I get moved to a new bed. It is also a window view. The ward is hot and some Chinese program is blaring from the television located next to me. I start crying. The nurse asks me why I am crying. I tell her I am scared, and I miss my husband and Sebastian. She says sympathetically, “oh, I thought you didn’t like the bed.” She pats my shoulder and walks away.

Dr cora mentions that there is a chance I will be here until I deliver. The thought of delivering so prematurely petrifies me, but the thought of being here until I deliver depresses me. Because don’t forget, I am delivering in 10 weeks. can I survive 70 days in the hospital? I wonder if I should re-adjust my goals and hope charles doesn’t mind if I suggest the babies be born at 34-35 weeks.

I write in my journal:

Just one week ago I was celebrating Valentine’s day with charles. Just yesterday I could watch television whenever I wanted to or sit down on a toilet seat that didn’t have foot prints on it.

But today I learned that I am almost completely effaced. A cerclage at this point is futile because there is a high likelihood the needle would pierce the membranes, thus beginning labour. The poor cure? A hospital stay. Beginning now, ending apparently with delivery. I just want to go home. I can see our flat from the window. It is so hot on the ward and I can’t imagine staying here for 10 weeks.

On the good side, the babies were measuring well. Little “C” is still dragging behind the others, but only a bit, and you know, all in all, its looking good. They weigh around two pounds each. Can you imagine. Keep growing little ones, you need every ounce. on the lighter side, baby b is either a boy or a hermaphrodite (opinion of most recent dr who did scan, not dr cora. we've been calling that baby "hermie" for the last while.

My heart is aching for Sebastian and charles. Especially sebbie who understands nothing of my absence. The guilt is back. Could I have prevented this? I really don’t think so, and that gives me comfort. Will Sebastian be totally screwed up? Will he ignore me? Are the babies going to be okay??

This is going to be a long day. Visitors are not allowed until 6, and can only stay until 8. then it is quiet. Or as quiet as it can be when ladies are in labour. They are trying very hard to be nice here.

I lay in my new bed looking at my stomach. It felt huge and unpenetrable. When I was squatting to sit, I noticed how bending was now impossible. Over the past couple of weeks I have gotten into the habit of showering twice a day to ease the pressure in my back.

I have been given some medication to stop the contractions and it seems to be very effective. It is not magnesium sulfate, which could be counterproductive with the epilepsy, but it is still a relaxant and I am very tired. Not tired enough to sleep, of course.

Charles brings me a nice dinner of chicken and some fresh fruit. It is exactly what I want and I manage to eat most of it. We hold hands and talk optimistically. I will be fine, the contractions have ceased. This is good news.

It is so surreal to be praying that the triplets stay in place for 48 more hours. Whatever happened to 36 weeks??

I read some magazines and a book, and listen to some music. Charles has brought me a cd player and it is soothing. Lights are bright, even though it is late. I cannot sleep. It is hot, and I open the curtain so that I can get some air.

At 1am precisely, I get the second steroid shot. A huge sigh of relief. Halfway there. I send out some email messages on charles’ blackberry to tell friends and family how we are faring. I am tired but the night is dragging. And I cannot sleep. I am already tired of having my temperature and bp taken.

Charmaine is one of the people I send an email to. I love charmaine. She is a fellow IVF survivor, and although we have only met once, we are tres simpatico. when I was hospitalised at the beginning of this pregnancy for OHSS, she called me twice a day, and cried with me when I told her I thought I was dying.

In my emails I try to be upbeat.

I am feeling pretty confident. In the back of my mind, I am planning how I am going to get out of here. The danger is over, let’s start scheming.

Sunday February 22

At around 4am I get up to go to the loo. And I notice that I have passed a clot of blood. I actually have slept for about one hour. Before then I was constantly going to the loo. New rule: tonight, except for medication, drinking stops at 5.30pm or so.

This is scary.

I notice that my cervical mucous has changed from milky white (typical pregnancy yuk) to threaded with blood. Oh this is ominous. I remember being pregnant with Sebastian and MSN’ing pam about this threaded blood stuff. With a shudder of fear I recollect that six hours after I msn’ed with pam about this threaded stuff, sebastian was born.

But the staff is optimistic.

since there are no contractions, it is not labour, they declare.

I am worried that I don’t feel “hermie” kicking. “hermie” is baby b, who is supposed to be a boy, but no one is really certain. We call baby “b” hermie, short for hermaphrodite. I am concerned about hermie.

I am worried these babies will not wait 36 more hours to be born.

I am worried they will die.

I am worried that I have not seen the neurologist who is going to prescribe extra medication for me.

I am worried that I will begin to dilate and that we will have waited too long and we will be in real trouble.

I am worried that I am not getting more monitoring or internals.

I haven’t had an internal since 5am and it is 10am.

Or a fetal heartrate monitor since 8am. I know it takes a lot of time when you are checking for three, but still.

I am going over in my mind wondering if I have done anything wrong. Last Friday I went to the valentines dinner at the church and walking up the stairs really winded me. Was it that? A few days ago I had a yeast infection. Could that have brought about labour? So many women, shorter women than me, go to 35-36 weeks with triplets. That’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to show the doctors who recommended selective reduction to charles and I that our decision to keep all three was the best one, that we had not suffered for it.

While guilt swamps me, the nurse pops along, checks my blood pressure and as she is taking my temperature, another nurse comes along and finds the babies heartbeats. Waiting for them to find the heartbeats is scary business. It seems to take forever. They are practically scanning my lungs the monitor seems so highly placed. They don’t seem to understand the triplets are very close together, and as I have been present every time the heartbeats have been taken I like to think I know where the hearts are located. I end up guiding the monitor myself,

I can understand why the ward doesn’t allow husbands, but I have never needed mine more.

The bleeding continues throughout the day. I see Sebastian and am so happy!!! And even better, the bleeding stopped at 5pm so I have good news for charles upon his arrival.

Sebastian seems fine though. I don’t think he is missing me at all. Hurts the pride, but it is good for him. There are pictures of Sebastian, he has had tea at annie’s and his bath there as well. Paula took and downloaded pictures. They make me cry. Our neighbours continue to be so good to us.

I have also had the third steroid injection. Apparently they will give me some in a few weeks as well, because these ones are going to wear off after a while. I am not sure I want them in a few weeks, because of the potential neurological dangers.

stay where you are babies.....

EVERY DAY COUNTS
EVERY DAY COUNTS

EVERY DAY COUNTS

And although it sounds dramatic, right now, every hour counts.

Comments

[knobody]

Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Jasper, Sela, and Carys.
Happy birthday to you.

[Auntie Pammie]

Hippo Birday two ewe.....
Happy Birthday to the wee three! Auntie is so proud of you and how well you all are doing.
I will call you again tonight and hear about your first BIG Bday!
Love Auntie P

[Tammy]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABIES!!!!!!

I was on the edge of my seat reading your blog today, Tessie. I love your writing. So pure and full of raw emotion.

Hope today is wonderful - I LOVE YOU!

Psssst...Brody says to tell the Trio to check "their email." :)

[Mandi]

Oh Dear Tess, Happy Birthday to the Trio. I was on the edge of my seat as well reading your story. I know all too well with the OHSS feeling like you are going to die. The rest well having gone into PTL at 7 months was scary enough. I cannot imagine your fear. But you are doing wonderfully with your babies!

Love you!

[Jill]

A big Happy Birthday Wish to the not-so-wee-three!!! What a year! ....from our house to yours, have a fantastic day!! Hugs and Kisses to all.

Jill

[Lauren]

Dear g-d I feel so much worry reading this even though I know that they are all going to survive. That's the power of your writing, Tess.
Happy birthday to everybody!
Here's to many more!!
much love, Lala

[Trinie]

Darling,

I remember this time last year so vividly. We were praying for you so hard and hoping that you wouldn't have the grief of losing any one of your precious triplets.

I'm thrilled that a year later, they are all here to share your life with and bring you, Charles and Seb so much joy.

[Deborah]

Happy Birthday Kiddos

The story is heart wrenching for me!
Praise God for Miracles

Love Deborah

[Minna]

Happy birthday Jasper, Sela and Carys! Loved their Feb. 2005 pictures. They truly are miracles, as their birthday cake announces!