a few hours after sebastian was born, the paedatrician came into the room with his tape measure. although sebastian was "just" (obviously he hadn't delivered the baby) 6lbs7oz, did we know that his head was way off the charts, in the 110 percentile?
and although i was feeling pretty good, i thought, "yes, that's what it felt like at the time."
XXXXXXXXXX
30 may is today.
30 may was a day on which many hopes and dreams were pinned.in 2003, the day before i went in for egg retrieval, i went to babycentre.com and typed in my day of ovulation. based on that date, babycentre declared that my due date was going to be 30 may 2004.
the day i poas (that's peed on a stick for you infertility rookies) and saw those blessed two lines, i ran to the calendar, flicked to the back where 2004 spread ahead, and circled 30 may.
the 10 days i was in hospital with ohss, i focused on 30 may. the pain of ohss was worth it. 30 may was one day closer.
30 may.
upon learning we were having triplets, 30 may as a due date was no longer possible. april 30 was the best case scenario. but still...30 may was still my target.
days of semi bedrest caused by spotting...don't get addicted to the jetson's and the flintstones just yet, you've got until to 30 may to be watching.
i was the little engine that could, the turtle and the hare and any other inspirational tale i could think of. i think i can i think i can. oh i wanted to get as close as i could to 30 may...slow and steady wins the race.
except on 23 feb, at six months exactly, i delivered my little jasper, sela and carys. or should i say they tell me a team of 20 delivered the babies while i lay there.
no more 30 may.
i had known from "the books" that at 26 weeks your child has a good chance of surviving if born prematurely, but i had never considered that i would deliver early. everything had been going so well...
i angrily looked at my daytimer where i had created a calendar that counted down the weeks. and tore my eyes away from 30 may and concentrated on day by day.
three babies, their heads the size of a small tangerines. their heads so small they were off the charts.
30 may.
30 may became the day of their "adjusted" birthday was.
"they're actually doing very well considering they haven't really been born yet...30 may was their due date" was a safe answer we could give people when they asked how the triplets were doing and we were scared we would start crying if we really told them how alien, still, and anguished the babies really looked.
when they got home and were in a room with another child around their age, and even though you're not supposed to compare children how can you not, we would say, "well, 30 may is their real birthday, they shouldn't be doing that yet."
30 may.
30 may is today. tomorrow, no matter how we look at it, carys, jasper and sela are one year old.
and right now, as i look over the pictures of how big their heads were, i can forget that they are not "acheiving" what a one year old should be, and i am going to wonder over the fact that the babies have survived and thrived for one year.
i despair over the vomit. yet there was a time when they were only taking .5ml through the ng (nasal gastric) tube every 3 hours.
i despair (thanks to the PT..like my imagination wasn't competent enough) that they arent walking yet. i can remember a time when carys couldn't lie on her back because that position put too much pressure on her lungs.
i despair as i run away to breathe on my own and to turn a page of a book without six hands pulling at my pants, that i am not giving them enough attention. yet i can remember a time when i couldn't speak to them because it caused their heartrate to speed up. they knew me even then.
30 may was the day the doctors looked at them and said, "okay, you're official. you're here."
but even then, we were cautioned that preemies take up to three years to catch up to their actual milestones. definitely forget 23 feb, and forget 30 may too.
forget 30 may? that goal that became my guilt?
can i?
i'm trying. and i'm happy to say that 30 may feel like just any other day. except, it is 3pm, and no one has vomitted yet.
Well, so this Monday was a very good Monday with the 3pm and no vomitting as of yet.
Regardless of the date of the month.
That's what friends are for, to reinforce perspective, because it is everything, isn't it?
xoxo
Posted by: Boulder | May 30, 2005 at 03:30 PM
Tess,
Here is an old cliche" , corny saying that Jake used to always say to me.... I will now share it with you. "Good things come to those who wait". Personally I thought it was hogwash, but as time goes on, I realize that this is true.
Be kind to yourself and know that you did / are doing all that you can for your children. They are doing very well and if they take a little bit longer to catch up to the "normal" ( I dont like that word) range of development, then so be it.
They are happy, content, well adjusted little sweethearts who have overcome some HUGE odds and are doing so well.
We all have dates that cause our hearts to stop for one reason or another... let Feb 23 and May 30 be days of happiness. Regardless of the date, look down on those sweet little faces and embrace and enjoy!
I hope this rambling helps...
Auntie Pammie
Posted by: Auntie Pammie | May 31, 2005 at 02:09 AM
I know that you know what I am about to say..but I just wanted to remind you...sometimes doctors don't know everything... Yes, there are milestones...but remember every child is SOOOO different....most kids don't walk by a year old (adjusted or not).... and your three are amazing children who are all mircles from start to birth they are miricles....
We live in a shame/honor culture...sometimes I think that the doctors want to shame us that our babies aren't on a chart (they didn't know what to do with Keighley...so small yet 10 10 for Apgar)Shame us for being so "fat" (even thought I am westerner, with breasts and am taller than 4'2") Shame you b/c it seems that they keep forgetting to look at the chart and actually adjust their age!!!! Charts are good for a guideline...but Jasper, Sela and Carys are in a class all their own (as are most babies...)
You have nothing to feel guilty about...God has a plan to prosper you and these kids, not to harm you or them...I don't know why he wanted them in the world early...but he did. (See James 1:2-3)
Ok..i've said enough that you already know...but I love you my friend and you still are the bravest woman I think I know!!!
xo lyns
Posted by: lyns | May 31, 2005 at 06:59 AM
My darling Tess, yes May 30th was a big day for you and I crossed off the days waiting for this time to arrive and spent countless hours agreeing with your competitive nature that April 30th was most satisfactory. But the little tykes came early, and God has blessed us all with their presence. And with you. With so many people who love you and admire you (Your biggest fan here) trust me when I say you have nothing to feel guilty about my love. NOTHING. Dare to dream.
Love Maddy
Posted by: Maddy | May 31, 2005 at 07:33 AM
My twins other birthday is May 23. As both days passed this year, March 16 (their actual birthdate) and May 23 (their due date) I wondered if every year I'd celebrate both in my heart.
Posted by: Leann | May 31, 2005 at 11:49 PM
happy may 31st! now both 23 feb and 30 may have past this year. today is 31 may (well, 1 june for you). make this a day to look forward. look forward to seeing the first steps (and maybe even in canada where Mozilla, Auntie Pam, and all the rest can be there too). look forward to visiting your family. look forward to some rest :). look forward to sending everyone off to college. yesterday was a day to look back. today is a day to look forward.
Posted by: knobody | June 01, 2005 at 03:54 AM
Tess darling,
I remember praying and hoping that you would make it to April 30th as well - but you didn't and you got to see your miracle children early and as Maddy says, God blessed us with their presence.
As a well child and maternal health nurse I would also like to reassure you about your children's development. The average that full term children walk is 14 months - and that's the average so there are a heck of a lot that walk later than that that are just fine.
Posted by: Trinie | June 01, 2005 at 08:56 AM
Boy howdy I hear ya on this one.
Posted by: Doni | June 01, 2005 at 01:25 PM
They are here, they are thriving, it IS an excellent day isn't it? I'm sure the vomiting will come.
Posted by: Lioness | June 01, 2005 at 04:49 PM
I've read it all now, and Charles' post as well, and you mean THAT sort of vomit. I hope you find out soon what is causing it, it must be hellish.
Posted by: Lioness | June 01, 2005 at 04:56 PM
Being close to my due date, I have a very new appreciation for how difficult those days must have been and continue to be for you. I can't even begin to imagine having carried THREE babies, then to have given birth so early and watched them struggle. But the prayers, good medicine and wonderful parenting have brought them so far Tess. They are beautiful and although they continue to struggle, they've come a long way baby! You and Magnificent should feel so proud of yourselves. You are my heroes! One day at a time is really all we can ask of ourselves.
Love, Holly
Posted by: Holly | June 02, 2005 at 03:29 AM