Dim Sum Mum - Tess' Little Pieces

i was getting a little smug for a while there.

on the competitive mummy scale i didn't have much going for me now. right after the babies came out of the hospital, no one asked me if they were meeting milestones and goals because frankly, we were just so awestruck that they were alive, no one had any expectations for them.

but time passed and my little fragile triumverate, urged on by sebastian, managed to pack on pounds. and they moved away from looking like gollum and more towards the newborn babies category.

but it was only in mid 2005 when people started asking "so are they a) sitting up b) eating solids c) sleeping through the night" etc. some of the questions were kind attempts to get insight as to how normal our lives (and babies) were, and others came from other mothers, who are used to putting their babies on milestone charts. (they didn't mean to be competitive, and it is natural to compare to your own child.)

"but they're over a year adjusted" someone said to me at their party, "shouldn't they be doing ..." etc.

and then i get to explain that the babies aren't expected to meet the milestones of a june 1 baby. because they aren't. it is going to take up to three years for these little pumpkin pies to meet the developmental milestones of kids their own age.

so i didn't have a lot to boast about, and i have never been one of those mothers that in the middle of an event will call a halt to it and say, "oh look at what jasper/carys/sela is doing..." so everyone else can appreciate them and comment on their development.

but because i am human, i was very pleased to notice my babies didn't cry over spilt milk. they didn't cry when someone took their toy away, because they're so used to it. no big deal, they would mosey along and find another.

that was until they became enchanted with the sparks that fly from the slide of erised (think harry potter). and thus, the THAT"S MINE has commenced.

someone lent my mum a littletykes slide, and the girls love climbing up it, precariously turning around at the top, and then if you are carys, sliding down and landing on your feet, and if you are sela, sliding down, landing on your bottom with a guuuuufffff, her nappy acting as a sort of rectal air bag.

the girls are loving the slide, and the push and shove and cry when the sibling claims more than 50 per cent of the slide, lifts a knee and starts climbing up it. the concept of turns hasn't quite sunk in. i had been so proud of their sense of easy come easy go. it was my boasting thing.

i am shutting my mouth now, unless it is open as i implore my girls, "gentle darlings...remember to take turns..." as carys is slapping sela across the head and sela is giving a hip check to the wall.

of course, the next time my insecurity makes me open my mug and start boasting, it will come out something like this, "oh, my kids are definitely at the mine stage." ah. thank goodness for public relations.

had an annoying experience the other day, had typed up a review on what was going on and then CARYS (she who looks so innocent) silently approached me, stood up and pressed the control button and erased the message. i needed to walk away i was so angry.

nathan - my nephew got a job in yellowknife, moved up here and is currently living with my parents. he is almost 21. he loves curry and having lita at my parents place because her cooking is divine. he just moved to yellowknife from alberta. he works in graphic design. he is an easygoing fellow, but knows his own opinion. sebastian loves nathan, who makes time to play trains, teach him gameboy and other manly things.

yesterday nathan went to church. he hasn't been going to the church where my mum worships, because there is another church with a far more active college and careers group. this was the second visit he made to this church, and for the second week in the row, NO ONE approached him. the first week he was there, nathan saw another fellow looking apprehensive and befriended him. yesterday, that fellow was the only person who spoke with nathan. there was also another person who nathan called and who spoke with him.

you know, i have a problem with that. since there is another person involved, we know it is not just nathan that the congregation is ignoring. why is it so hard to break into this group? shouldn't churches encourage people to join? nathan will continue attending church, but what if he were someone else with a lesser faith? that would absolutely turn me off. since when can you have too many friends?

which brings me to another topic slightly related. forgiveness.

why is it easier to forgive someone who has hurt you, than it is to forgive someone who has hurt someone you love? henri nouwen has written a good book on the prodigal son, and comments very accurately that all of us are people who have been the prodigal, asking for forgiveness, the father, who is forgiving, and the brother, who is watching, and unwilling to give the forgiveness.

why can we forgive someone who hurts us, but wrestle over truly forgiving the person who has hurt someone we love? or...how can we forgive others, but not forgive ourselves?

splish splash i was taking a (cold) bath

10.30 tuesday through friday is an important time in our home.

we have started swimming lessons.

babies and sebastian.

and of course the babies need escorts because they are young and wimpy and their mindset seems to be if you want us to hang out in the frigid water you're coming in and suffering as well. and believe me, we suffer.

the girls have four bathing suits. two bikinis and two malliotts, with ruffles, of course. identical. but for swimming lessons, they wear 1920 style elbow to knee bathing costumes. jasper and sebastian's are blue with sharks on them, carys' sports a hot pink one that has mermaids with gracefully floating hair, while sela's is purple and white and has large flowers across the back and bodice.

around 9.45 we begin gathering up towels and suits, and change into our own swimming gear. we put the babies in their swimming nappies and a regular nappy just in case they have accidents on the way to the pool (as all three did monday). i prepare a snack for sebastian and the babies. at 10am we all look at the clock and get that cold icy feeling in our stomachs that is nothing to the cold icyness of the chlorinated water we know we will be in in one half of one hour.

at 10.10 we are out the door.

today it was spitting rain. what are the odds of that. yellowknife is technically a desert, but the rain has been sheeting down today. my parents have one umbrella. so my dad raced four times to the two vehicles, each time holding the umbrella over a female carrying a child. then he held them over us while we organised baby into the car seat, and then slid into our own seats. sebastian had his favourite "winniepoowellies" and so he wore those with his new nifty spidermain raincoat and was a happy chappy. why avoid the wet when you are preparing to get into the swimming pool, which is pretty much a wet place? talk to my dad. chivalry is not dead.

the city's one public swimming pool is less than a five minute drive away (maybe five if you hit the one stoplight....welcome to yellowknife, population 16,000) and reverse the above paragraph.

we kick off shoes, tell sebastian he will walk with grandad into the boys changing room, and lita, mum and i disappear into the girls changing room, where we whip off the regular nappies, their outside clothes, our own outside clothes and carefully avoiding the showers, head out to the pool area.

sebastian and i chat until his teacher comes to collect him for his class. then they are off. sebastian is in the teddy bear silver class and i try to monitor his skill and progress, but it is hard, because i am in the water too. oh yes, procrastinate as i try, pulling out the "oh i don't want to go into the water until i know my oldest is safely settled in his class", eventually i have to get into the water. sometimes above the crotch. the first day, the water temperature wasn't so bad, but yesterday, i guess not enough kids had peed in the pool and warmed it up yet, because i was sure i could still see the thin veneer of ice pieces floating on top of the pool. regardless.

there are toys and the babies are meant to splash around with the toys and reach underwater for them and smack the surface of the water. but pretty much only one of the babies does. surprise, jasper. seriously. jasper, willingly participating in a sporting event that doesn't offer food as an incentive.

he grins throughout the lesson. loves it.

the girls, possibly more sensitive and aware that the water is so cold the hair on their mother's legs is standing straight out at attention, are not as enamoured. carys, loyal girl that she is, has been unhappy three days straight, while today sela really let loose and bellowed her displeasure.

but we float and pretend this is fun, and teeth chattering, clap when jasper slides by with a hand under his back, his head in the water. we lift the girls out of the water and watch their faces relax, and then tighten again when they hit the water.

i observe sebastian jumping or practising his kick, and i watch my dad watching all of us. that's only when i am not watching the clock, which has those typical four hands that clock seconds, as typical swimming pool clocks do. they must be magic, because believe it or not, the time does pass quickly.

finally finally, it is time to get out of the water and we sprint (we ignore the no running rule, i am too cold to be a good example to the next generation), to the hottub. and we slide in, and suddenly life is and our bodies are warm again. the babies are grinning, and the instructor comes over and observes carys and sela floating on their fronts backs and fronts. no one wants to leave the pool.

babies (wimpy) aren't meant to be in hottubs for very long, and my special babies resent this rule. they cry when we haul them out. the only reason we get out is peer pressure - the head lifeguard eyeballs the sign that talks about babies not being in the hot tub and stares significantly at us - i think we should hold the class in there. there are only five babies in the class, and since my three make up the majority, if we took a vote on it, it would pass. the kids definitely accomplish more in the warmth.

then we quickly change, and throw biscuits at the kids before they start crying too loudly. then we dash off home, hang up swimsuits and start with lunch.

it is 4.41pm, in less than 18.5 hours the next swimming lesson will be over. not sure we will sign up for the next class.

in my youthful optimism (now that is optimistic!) that the babies would sleep on the plane, i bought a little airport booklet called clear your clutter. kind of an oxymoron: buying a little chutchkla on how you need to throw out stuff. but i bought it anyway. i love clearing out clutter, any tips on how to make me a better thrower outer, or a booklet telling me i am throwing things out like a pro was welcome.

interestingly, about half the booklet was devoted to "people clutter".

people clutter - people who at one time were very important to you, probably during a set phase in your life, when you were very close, and now that the stage has passed, you maintain a sort of relationship, but you really have nothing in common anymore. the examples they listed:

new mothers who become friends simply because they have children the same age. five years on, when one kid is being home schooled and the other is in boarding prep school, the mothers have nothing to really talk about, they disapprove of much of what the other does, or worse, they find it boring, yet they still stay in touch, invite the other to parties, because the other was such a source of support during those first few tough months after baby was born.

the person you leaned on during a trauma. there are some people who are very good at listening. when you go through a divorce, you tend to lean on this person, talk through the devastation your life seemingly is, call them when you are feeling weak or have just had a painful encounter. how, five years on, you have moved on, and while you will always be grateful to that person, you really don't have a lot in common with them. they remain encouraging and positive about your life, but you really don't click with them.

should you remain friends with these people?

according to the booklet, NO. the booklet says it takes courage to clear your life of your people clutter. it frees you up for other relationships, it frees them up also. invite them to your once a year parties, but don't reserve two places at your for ten dinner parties for them, when you could have a couple that you and your partner really enjoy, or want to know better.

this sounds great in a booklet. but can you really pull it off?

i suppose so. i've done it before: after a lunch, not calling them, and not surprisingly, them not calling me either. that's a nice unspoken agreement clean. if we run into each other, we're thrilled and it is a GOOD five minutes standing there and catching up because it is only five minutes instead of a painful 45minutes-2hour encounter, and because more time has elapsed. that is one of the guilt free clutter cleansings.

however, i think this is only possible if THEY are ready to clear their clutter as well. it is tough to say to a person, "yes, well i've moved on and i want to make time for other friends", particularly if you shared a tough time together. "sorry, you remind me of sad times."

i survey my RT and internet friends, and especially given that hong kong is so transient, i really don't think that magnificent and i have any friends we've moved on from. i am happy to say we have people we have moved towards, but there is no one that we spend time with that i would rather not. there have been couples that we spent time with and then their priorities (they do a lot of rowing, they wanted to get together sunday mornings for hikes when we would be in church...)were different from ours. so i can say yes, i have been a thrower and i have been thrown, and it wasn't tough at all. the booklet does have a point.

do you have friends that are more like obligations? would you want to clear them?

its been a while

since i posted. one ocean and about 18 hours on a plane.

the hong kong vancouver flight went as well as it could have. the babies each slept around six to seven hours, with little carys getting the best sleep of them all.

and i must say, my conniving attitude displayed itself brilliantly as the flight ended.

upon arriving to hong kong i learned very quickly that one person in the queue doesn't mean that there is one person ahead of you. an umbrella could signify a whole family is waiting ahead of you. so, knowing the mentality, and given that this WAS a flight originating from hong kong, i did something that i wouldn't have done in any other city or situation.

as soon as passengers were able to get off the plane, i RAN with a knapsack and a bag and a carry on down to immigration. i got in the lineup...and waited. i had told charles that i would be in the far left or far right lineup, and ten minutes and 200 or so people later, i saw them emerge from the escalator, and i started waving. so they headed towards me, and not more than 5 minutes later, we were all through immigration.

all good things must end, and in the luggage gathering process, the babies and sebastian had a meltdown. of the serious sort. carys even vomitted right beside the hertz rental outlet for emphasis.

that night we were at my gran's, although charles and sebastian spent the night at a nearby hotel. the babies were good until 1.30, then they all woke up. we fed them bottles, and then they started thinking it was playtime. lita put sela to bed, and then i took jasper to bed with me. i had to pat him for one hour, but eventually he fell asleep. carys on the other hand, screamed for one hour before she retreated back to sleep.

seeing my gran with the babies would have done your heart good. she even lifted our massive jasper, who danced and was charming for her. the girls were sweet and we took some fun pictures of gran with her great grandchildren. i think she was particularly struck by the sight of me sitting on the floor feeding all three with one bowl and one spoon, the other two watching the one lucky recipient.

the drive to kelowna went well, it was only about five hours and the babies slept and were good travellers. it took a few nights for them to get settled, there were a few 4.30am nights indeed, but theyre all sorted out now.

we had a real food breakthrough this week...carys vomitted twice, sela zilch, and jasper once. and we were giving them spaghetti bolognaise, (thank you aunt carolyn!), scrambled egg, oatmeal...it has been incredible. their culinary ouevre has increased dramatically.

the flight today was a dream, or at least the first flight was. the second, sela and carys and sebastian were stellar, and i would rather not talk about jasper who sat and screamed on my lap for what seemed much longer than 90 minutes.

the cottage was great. not always warm, but a really good time. i love this country and it was great to spend canada day in my home and native land.

so we are here surrounded my parents and friends, and there is a great room for the babies to play in, and beds for everyone. and i will write SOON. there was no internet access at the cottage, so couldn't do an update. it was creepy but nice being so far away from the internet.