exchanging silence for safety

flashback: in 1978 we lived in edmonton. i remember the commonweath games were in the city that year, and idi amin was coming to visit. we all got a lecture about how not to talk to dark skinned strangers in shiny dark cars during the commonwealth games.

today: tuesday is sebastian's library day. often, he let's the librarian select a book for him, because all his favourite books: franklin, the tiger who came to tea, harry the dirty dog, canada ABC's, he has at home.

the zip made by ripping apart the velcro flaps of his book bag were nothing compared to the rip through my heart when i saw the title of the book: DON"T TALK TO STRANGERS.

it has begun. according to the book, you should turn your back and run from, ignore or not talk to someone unless they are a person your parents have introduced you to, or a friend of a friend, or a teacher at school, or the easter bunny.

it know it is necessary. but what a bloody pity.

i remember during our edmonton days my then five year old brother met and "adopted" a couple who lived nearby. he would go to their home and eat biscuits and fizzy drinks. he gave them a lot of joy, sitting there and telling his jokes, pushing the trucks they kept around for their own grandchildren over the footstools and sofas.

the elderly love children. and they also love feeling that someone wants to talk to them. basically, i am going to have to educate my children that they cannot talk to anyone, unless i am with them to give them a nudge and say, "that's all right". the element of spontanaety will be gone. it breaks my heart but it is necessary.

when people say, as i know i do, to other children in a playground, "hello", you can't expect more than a "hello" back. particularly if you are not caucasian. i got dirty looks this summer from a parent for talking to his child about a the bucket he was taking away from sebastian.

children must be careful when asking people, do you know where my mummy is. because the wrong person could sweep them away. forever.

we are exchanging silence for safety. 

my sister in law told me that in canada the word secret is no longer used. the not telling daddy about the upcoming party for his birthday is not a SECRET, it is a SUPRISE. this is because bad people often tell kids what is happening is a SECRET. and we need to be teaching our children that there are no SECRETS that should be kept from mummy and daddy. 

but is it enough to follow the guidelines of this book? no way.

how many pedophiles have lured children away dressed as beloved and safe icons? MANY. this book should not be saying kids should approach the easter bunny. what is one of the reason's that childrens' restaurants and theme parks have bars and gates that slam shut the minute a child is reported missing?

the whole premise of this not talking to strangers is that no matter how nice they look on the outside, it is what is in the inside that counts. and even people your parents know, might not be nice.

a childhood friend of mine was sexually molested over a period of years by a family friend of ours. we all hung around in the same circles. but they were friends, right? the book said so.

remember holly and jessica? those two little girls were kidnapped and tortured by their teacher assistant and her boyfriend. their teacher lured them into their car. teachers are meant to be safe, right? the book said so.

here are the hard facts. of the too many children murdered each year, FEW are murdered by strangers. it is someone you know.

what can you do? this book is essentially useless. but even if those rules are essentially useless, you have to follow them, because if anything happened to one of my children, i would probably lose my sanity unless i KNEW i had done everything to street proof them.

between us, charles and i have four hands. and four children. one hand per child. but we cannot keep them at our sides forever. we can pray, we can teach them to use their better judgements, discernment, about warning signs and escape methods, but at the end of the day, we have to let them go. even, let them go out of sight.

don't even get me started on the internet. we reviewing what we should pull and what information should stay. thank GOD hong kong is such a safe city.

as dangers crowd closer to home, it seems our children are only safe within the four walls of their home. unless you have a party, when people you know as friends whose souls might be strangers to you, enter your home, and possibly, invade lives.

THE MAJORITY OF CRIMES AGAINST CHILDREN ARE COMMITTED BY SOMEONE THEY KNOW.

may God grant wisdom to us all.

Comments

[Blake Lyons]

Tessie,no problem. Bring all the little darlings to come live close to mo and me. Mom would kill me if I let anything happen to the little nippers while I was on watch and she would kill anyone who tried to hurt them while she was on watch.

Next Problem.??

[Tammy]

Oh Tess......

So often I think of this very subject. And each time I am overcome with chills by the thought of such danger lurking around every corner.

Our world now is so different than that of 30 years ago.

I worry that I will over-shelter Brody for fear of such things happening. And I worry of such things happening if I don't over-shelter him.

In the end, I know that I must use the wisdom that God has given me to prepare him for the world and trust that God's hand will always be on him. I also know that prayer is our best defense.

I love you and the darlings so much.

[joeinvegas]

The nicest things about little kids is how they talk to anyone (well, at least some of them not too shy). I love it when I'm in a bookstore and some little girl starts talking about the book she is going to pick out - until her mom comes and takes her away from the strange man. Please don't wrap the kids up too much. As you said, it's usually one they know.

[Jane]

I have a problem with the extreme that was taken to teach children of my age (early 30s) that if that ominous stranger ever did anything to you that you did not like then you were to immediately tell mommy and daddy.

I remember being in 4th grade and watching a stranger danger movie where the kind next door neighbor lifts the little girl onto the counter and then proceeds to molest her. She tells her mother and all is well again.

That movie was the moment that I realized that part of my life was all wrong. My mother knew I was being molested by a relative at age 2; she did not know it had continued. (I found this out many years later). All signs indicate it probably began when I was an infant. I had no clue what was happening was wrong because it was normal life to me. By the time I learned the truth the molester was suffering from Alzheimer's disease and was no longer a threat.

And for 15 more years I lived alone with the guilt, because the movie said I should tell and I didn't. I was so sure I was guilty for not knowing, and then for not telling when I did know, because I didn't. I was aware of it but never spoke of it until I was in college.

My totally unsolicited advice that I feel compelled to spread everywhere is that the important thing is to make your children know there is not a burden to properly handle. I don't know that I know what the exact solution is, as we certainly want children to tell. But I would have been too ashamed to tell even if the man molesting me had not been ill; i had made a mistake, hadn't followed the rules, hadn't seen him as a bad man. In fact I moved from one molester to another and even when I was 18 and first spoke of it the words barely came. I was 21 when I told anyone for real and much of that is because of how I was told I should have handled it (my intrepration as a 9 year old). When I first told I cried and cried over the guilt, rather than for the loss.

I hope this makes sense. It's not the easiest topic to formulate thoughts around.

[Mandy]

Tess - As with any mother, this is a subject that terrifies and enrages me. After watching a newscast 30 minute newscast one evening during which there were 5 stories about child molestation, rape, etc I felt an overwhelming urge to create a compound where my daughter would be safe...only to acknowledge that it might be the security officer who'd be the problem.

I asked my husband that night "How do I teach her what to look for without scaring the hell out of her?" He said, "maybe by trying not to be terrified ourselves, just educated, aware...and enrolled in a self defense class."

*sigh* I know we're all going to do our best to teach/warn/protect and then pray with all our might that the information is never needed.

Jane - I just want to send a huge hug your way. None of it was your fault, including the not telling. I read your comment and could hear my mother's voice "I'd kill anyone who touched you that way." Not exactly the best tactic either...as is so often said, it is usually someone we know and someone we feel wrong about mistrusting (as kids).

[Maggs]

It pains me that I can't protect my daughter from everything...

[Jody]

Tess,

Stranger-danger books are pretty much considered out of date and dangerous by folks who study these things. The Center for Missing and Exploited Children says outright that stranger-danger education doesn't work, for exactly the reasons that you describe. There are other books, and other approaches, and you should look into them.

The number-one approach for now seems to be: teach your kids to trust their gut. If something feels funny, whether it's Uncle Bob or the nice grocery store bagger or whatever, make noise. Find Mommy, Daddy, or someone reliable. But most of all, trust your gut. Pay attention to your own inner voice. Because most of the time, kids have pretty good instincts for what's safe for them.

The trade-off, if there is one, is that Moms and Dads have to give up forcing their kids to "give Grampa Bob a hug" or "come out from behind me and say hello to Cousin Joyce." Because kids can't trust their "I don't know about this person" instincts unless they're allowed to follow them everywhere, and all the time.

Which can make for some awkward family reunions, if you have clingy kids.

Real point being: if stranger danger seems absurd to you, that's because it is. Find another book.