how do i feel about that?

with four children,one event can rarely bring about just one emotion.

today, a friend brought over some duplicates of pictures she had taken of the babies when they were younger. truly heartbreaking stuff. i will try and post the pictures later.

sela is going through a baby phase. she can stand at the computer and stare at our slide show, repeating "baby, baby, baby" every time the photo changes. there is this unique little smile on her face, which makes me wonder if she recognises the babies, or if i am just being whimsical.

i showed her an old picture of sebastian. she said, "baby" and because she could, she reached over to kiss the photo. did anyone hear that crack? or did you hear the rip similar to a needle being torn off a gramaphone that was my irritation when sebastian pulled the photo away and said, "sela, i am not a baby. i am a big boy!"

sentimental, irritated, torn between congratulating sela for loving and caring and disciplining sebastian...oh do i need to multitask better because i simply couldn't find a way to do all those things and ended up feeling tormented.

today's next example...i had three deadlines today. i have been working like a tiny tornado to get them done. i have no husband, he is in shanghai right now. i am spending way lots of time at the computer, and my children collect around me. last night when sebastian brought me a new book to read "rumble in the jungle", instead of lingering on the rhyming bits, which i know i am meant to, i just rushed through it so i could get back to work. while i am thrilled at how he is learning, the connections he is making, i just rush through it.

and the last example of my conflicting emotions...today was sebastian's last drama class. and unbeknownst to me, his class gave a dramatic recital. i was not there. i was at home at the computer. how bad do i feel? let's look at this further.

i chose to be a stay at home mum so that i could be there at the kids events. therefore, i feel self hatred and anger for not being there.

but then again...this is the first such event i have missed, AND i know that in previous situations where i have attended recitals or singing, sebastian has misbehaved. go back to the Christmas pageant if you have forgotten. but today, i wasn't there and he was FANTASTIC apparently. so yay for that.

but still....i wish i had been there.

i did get my stories done, though.

Comments

[anon]

Beautiful Children. Your a great mom

[Mum aka Mo (grandmother) aka Maureen Lyons]

Darling, I ached for you as I read this as I could relate to what you were saying. Nevertheless, I agree with 'anon' above that you are a great mum and only human - allow yourself to forgive yourself if you think you failed! I still maintain you are doing such a fine job of mothering your wee foursome. The photos are GLORIOUS!
Love, M xox

[joeinvegas]

Just yesterday the American Toy Museum introduced the toys they would be giving an award to, and putting into the museum. The best one this year is the box that other things come in. Yes, children would rather have the box than the stuff inside (as yours seem to). Good work on the fine selection.

[Jill]

Chosing to be a stay at home mom doesn't mean you are able to clone yourself...you are doing an incredible job. I learn from you and I only have half the kids. You are there for all the times in-between big events. You will make others, you will miss some too. But as a mummy, you will be there when they have their heart broken, when they see something so majestic their jaws drop, when they need a hug and when they need a hand to hold. Those are the really important times. And I see how you coordinate events, activities, and still save a wee bit of time for yourself to recharge. You are incredible, amazing and powerful. XOXO

[Jill]

Oh! And thanks for the pictures. I looooove pictures. :)