deja vu day

today has been a deja vu day. back in full force is all the insecurity i felt when the babies were first home, all the self doubt and concern. and nothing too monumnetal happened...it was the sounds and emotions, rather than the incidents, that were too familiar.

carys had a check up appointment at the duchess of kent physio therapy centre. i had lulled myself into thinking they would be so blown over by the fact that my little morsel was running that they would give her the huge seal of approval and tell her that she was a fine specimen indeed.

i had forgotten how carys' spidy senses perk up the minute we enter the duchess of kent. today she was very apprehensive as we entered into the building, although she relaxed as i veered to the right to the rehabilitation play area instead of straight ahead where the pt tables are.

i took off our shoes and socks and we played a bit while we waited for annie, our pt to arrive. carys was liking throwing the ball, and grabbing kiddie utensils out of the toy bucket, when annie arrived. she looked at annie, at me, and trotted over to where my shoes were lying, grabbed my shoes and dropped them at my feet. then she waved goodbye to annie.

nice try, kitten.

carys then threw herself on the ground and threw a tantrum. legs kicking, arms flailing. i talked to annie about the fair we had both been to that weekend, and we agreed the quality had gone downhill. by the time we had discussed the lack of chicco toys at the fair, carys had stopped crying and had crawled over to me.

really she does walk.

i grabbed one of carys' shoes (you know they call her marie, because carys is too tough to pronounce), and threw it. rex the labrador couldn't have done a better job, except she didn't catch the shoe between her teeth, she ran over to it and brought it back to me. annie got her thoughtful look, and carys and i kept running together, or i threw things for her.

annie brought out her measuring tape and i held carys while she measured her calves.

and announced 20 minutes and some exercises later, that carys, although doing wonderfully, is asymmetrical.

say what?

one calf is bigger than the other, she runs with one had tucked up under her arm, she bends her knees too much when she walks, she falls all the time. and you know, i could live with all of this, because from what i understand, plenty of exercise (and she gets that) and teaching her sports that rely on balance can help this. but the worst bit was...

the left side of her face still has tense muscles that need to be, yes, you got it stretched.

as in the same exercises we used to do?

yes, those ones. we can start now. if we want to cure her we have to cure her while she is young. bring her over to the tables.

i had forgotten how the tears started to push out between her eyelids like round beads when the exercises began. how she would cling to my arm and wail. how we had to stop between exercises because she was choking on her tears and snot. how the session seems to last forever but is really only five minutes.

i have three weeks to forget...her next session is 29 december.

oy.

and then i get home and jasper,who has been running a fever for the last 24 hours, yet again doesn't want to eat. jasper, not eat? you ask incredulously. yes, it's true. i picked him up and said

he just wants to go to bed.

i put him in some soft clothes that weren't so warm and held him while i talked to my mum...and he fell asleep while i played with his hair. i laid him down on his bed and besides breathing a little heavily, he seemed fine. not too hot.

yet 20 minutes later when lita walked into the nursery to put sela and carys down for their naps, jasper was standing up in his crib, very quiet and with BLUE LIPS.

what is this all about?

plenty to drink, some more medicine, testing his hands and feet to see if he was too cold. he seemed to be fine. tired.....

so we laid him down again.

i was supposed to go shopping but i couldn't, because i was so scared that he might go blue again. my rationale was that he wouldn't if i was in the flat with him. so i stayed at home until he woke up.

deja vu day, are you almost done with me?

Comments

[lyns]

Tess...
"The LORD bless you
and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace."
I love you and tomorrow is a new day!!!!! Carys is doing awesome, and she will grow into a beatuiful healthy amazing woman (kind of like her mom..!!) Missing you...xo lyns

[Brandy]

Tess,
I know what you are going through right now. I think we have stepped back in time right now. No eating for Blane, not even a bottle. Going to the dr soon. They told us while we were in the NICU "one step forward, two steps back" seems like that is happening right now. Wish you luck. Hope Jasper gets better soon. Hope Cary doesn't have to do the exercises very long.

[Leggy]

Its so heartbreaking when our kids are sick or in pain. The Cutie Pie has always been pretty healthy and yet the few times when he's had a horrid ear infection or croup or a high fever, its terrifying and gut-wrenching to see him in pain. I can only imagine what the PT is like for you (let alone poor Carys)- she's so little and doesn't understand that its for her own good. Good luck- to both of you!

[Tertia]

ah, my heart feels so sore. poor little carys, its not fair.

poor jasper

but especially poor tess, how scary this all is. its so hard being brave and grown up all the time.

much love, to all of you

xx

[joeinvegas]

Oh Tess, so much work. Just concentrate on the good times.

[Granddad Blake]

I will be with you and your family's corner and come out with you when it is time to start the next round.
Love Dad

[maggs]

OH, my sweet Carys! She’s so smart. Sorry for the muscle therapy. It really is better to do it now, plus, will she remember when she’s 18? Hope Jasper is on the mend. No yucky cough, is there? Could be pneumonia…

[Auntie Pammie]

Tess,
I am sorry to hear about your rotten crappy &^%$#@! day.. I feel better for you after writing out those words. Carys is a trooper and she will thank-you in years to come for doing those exercises with/for her. She has overcome many many milestones and with HER determination along with her parents/family/friends love and support, will sail through this with ease.
I hope JJ is feeling better, I dont like the blue lips part.... hmm I only wish I could be there to help. Loads of love to all of you.
Auntie Pammie xoxo

[liz]

Thinking healthy thoughts at your sweet babies.

All my best.

[SheilaC]

Sending prayers and best wishes for a much better day tomorrow! For Jasper to get better quickly (and quit that blue-lips thing!). For Carys to keep on running (woo-hoo!) and to get used to the therapies, and grow strong in all her muscles.
And for Tess, to recover your usual courage, optimism and grace under fire!
And for Sela and Charles to stay well and happy, of course.
Best wishes to all of you,
and thank you for sharing little snippets of your lives with your online friends,

[SheilaC]

Ooops, I forgot Sebastian - so sorry!
Stay well and happy, Sebbie, keep everyone laughing and playing. You are a charmer! I'm praying for you too.