one year later

one year ago charles and i were in bangkok and i learned that my grandad had died.

one year and one day ago we decided that i would go back for the memorial service.

one year and four days ago i was on the airplane for vancouver, stuffed in cattle class (and that actually is not because of my thighs thankyouverymuch, the flight was v. full) and trying to read a book and consider it a luxury to have 14 hours in the sky sans children.

it doesn't seem like one year since my grandad has been gone.

i wonder what that year feels like for the surviving spouse. how can my gran not be lonely? yes, grandad was in a home for a while before he died, so she was used to living alone, but living alone is not the same as being alone. and she is. while mum and pam and mandy are very good about calling gran, there isn't the shared history, the special songs and rituals that you develop with someone after almost seventy years of marriage. the habit of them.

i miss charles when we are out of contact for three days. a year without him and knowing only my own death would reunite us? i think the worst bit would be not being able to see his reactions: when the kids gallop to the door screaming, "Daddy!", when they set their jaws in caldwell like determination and achieve a task, the wounded look when they pat "o-eah" a bit too hard and she responds with a gentle scratch and they are convinced they did nothing to deserve it, how he gets a bit dreamy when listening to elton john, the way his eyebrows raise when anne archer is on television, how he pulls his lips together whenever i say something ridiculous and he knows it is in his best interests not to laugh, his frown when considering a problem, how he smiles when i scratch his back, give him a bum-rub or smooth his hair. "that's the best ever"..."i was born for bum-rubbing"..."you have no idea how good that feels.."

i wish i could board a plane and be with my gran today. to look at pictures and hear stories. to scrub shelves and the fridge and take care of other chores that need tending to. to take her for a walk along the beach, like pam always does. instead, charles and i will read the letter grandad wrote us after sebastian's birth, look at the picture of him holding sebastian and we will call gran. when you have lost great love, i hope it is comforting to know that you are still surrounded by love, even if it is not the sort you have lost.

Comments

[lyns]

Ok..so I am bawling!!! Thanks for sharing this and reminding me just how precious marriage is!!! Miss you TONS!! xo lyns

[Boulder]

Tess,

I cannot believe that it has been a year that has passed. It is incredible to think that life keeps going on sometimes, without our beloved family with us.

I can only imagine how vast the ocean feels when you'd like to do something so simple as to comfort your grandmother.

It is a lovely thought you've had to celebrate the man that he has been to your lives, and to recollect and share with your grandmother. I'm sure she'll be very grateful to share and touched by your thoughtfulness.

My grandparents were married 62 years before we lost my grandfather. At the time we'd been married 2 years. At our 1 year anniversary, my husband said in awe to my grandparents that we'd been married only one minute to their full hour. Now it has been 10 years that he's been gone and I still cannot fathom it - I cannot imagine how my grandmother must feel.

You are such a sweet soul, Tess. Your grandfather is very proud of you, I'm certain.

xoxo

[Auntie Pammie]

T,
I am booking a flight to go and see Gran while I read your blog. I am going to go and spend a few days with her at the end of the month. I plan on taking her for those walks, and to sit by the beach and listen to her share her stories of her great love.
Occasionally when I call her now, she weeps quietly on the phone when she speaks of Grandad. But she is a strong little lady and continues to get stronger and stronger.
Your blog is beautiful and I am envious of the love you and MC have. I guess we all can only wish to share the years and love that Gran and Grandad shared.

I miss you Grandad and I know life is better where you are now. Take peace in knowing that we are looking after Gran , and we take comfort in knowing that you are no longer in pain.
I love you T,
Auntie P xoxoo

[sheilah]

Oh, I am sure it was tough on your gran. On my parent's wedding anniversary which was about six months after my dad's death, I got a call from my mother that just tore out my heart. I wanted to get on a plane and fly out to be with her. But I was a student with limited funds with exams approaching and I couldn't. I just talked to her on the phone and let her cry.

Just let her know you are there for her. It will help.