i got a call the other day from my girlfriend marie. carys's middle name is marie, and she is named in honour of this friend as well as many of the other wonderful marie's who have touched my life. since i have known her, and it has been a while now, she has been stalwart and loving, one of those divine women who you want beside you when the chips are down, and who probably is.
she left a message. her father was dying. soon.
by the time i called her, her father had passed away.
thankfully, both my parents are living. i have no idea what she is going through. but my first instinct is to get on a plane and be with her. but realistically, would that be a good idea? my being there would probably be more work for her. i don't drive, she would need to collect me from the airport because she doesn't let her friends take the airporter into town. i know the code to her home, (she sends me the code change every six months) but she is barely going to be there. i don't drive, i don't know many of the people who will be sympathising. besides making cups of tea and giving hand and feet massages, would i be of much help to her?
i don't think so.
i will ask if she wants me there, and i will go if she says yes. but i suspect the airfare would be better off if i shelved it into the marie and tess holiday fund. and i can see the reason, but i feel really shallow doing so. i will contribute money to whatever charity the family suggests, but nothing replaces being a friend in need. and i feel like i have failed her.
this is a girl who came to visit me at midnight in an emergency room, and told me everything would be all right. when i smiled and said, "Except the food", she grinned, slipped out and went to an all night store for some fat free blueberry yogurt and cheesies for me to consume.
she is not afraid to call when she needs me, and this is so good, because i know i matter to her. that i make a difference to her world. that the blessing of me being so far away is that she has someone to call in the middle of the night when sleep eludes her.
but i do wish i were closer.
months ago i wrote about five year old jacob duckworth, an incredible little boy diagnosed with cancer who has evaded death thanks to a series of miracles. these last few weeks his earthly battle has yet again become very perilous. i know if i were his parents i could show the love and support, but i am amazed at the joy they have found. how they are a family, giving all four of their children love and attention and support.
http://www2.caringbridge.org/fl/jacob/
jacob's mother is praying for a miracle to extend his earthly life, yet is in full recognition and acceptance that her son for the first time in two years may be very close to being healed. the joy and sorrow that must cause her.
When my mother died I could only bear to call one of my friends. The rest I told after the funeral (I hated breaking the news--so I procrastinated that, plus I was so overwhelmed b/c it was sudden and unexpected). For me it was very hard in the beginning, as it is for Marie, but once all the family, friends and food are gone and you're left with your own grief--that's when it helps to be able to be with your dearest friends. so I'd say that saving it for the tess-marie holiday fund is a wise move, and take that holiday in the next 6-8 months or so. somewhere peaceful. and tell her it takes about 2 years before she starts to feel herself again --I think too many people believe that in a couple of months they should feel just fine, and it's absolutely not true. Healing takes a long, long time. Never rush it, let it run its own course at its own pacae. i think knowing that the two of you can get together when 'things calm down' would be a great comfort to her--although she may also want you there now, and I can understand that too. but if you two decide to get together later, don't feel like you've failed her. absolutely not! she will need as much love and listening ears in the next year or two as she will right now.
Posted by: Polly | June 10, 2006 at 10:18 PM
I was going to say the same thing Polly did. While I have (thankfully) never dealt with the loss of a parent myself, I have a friend who has. And it was after all the activity and guests had gone home...when the silence became deafening...that she needed me the most and I went to her side.
About Jacob. I've included a few entried about him on my blog, too. I just cannot stop feeling so heartbroken for Heather and the rest of their family. And I am in constant awe at the strength of their faith. Simply amazing.
Posted by: Monica | June 11, 2006 at 08:30 AM
Thanks for posting about Jacob. I saw your words on the TC website as well. I have been praying for him and his family daily, and many times today. I'm struggling to share their faith, that whatever happens, Jacob will receive his miracle and will be healed.
It's so joyful and bitter-sweet to look at the photos of him and his brothers together, and his beautiful smiles, and to pray for them. Jacob, Devin and Brandon are very close in age to our trio. I believe that their bond, their relationship will not be broken even by death. But that death is still terribly painful to contemplate. I'm praying for the whole family, and especially for earthly healing for Jacob.
I'm sorry about your friend's loss. I know a little of how you feel, that it's hard to offer support from far away. I am sure your friend appreciates your emotional support, your willingness to listen to her feelings and to offer words of encouragement and faith when she needs them. You will still be a true friend and a source of strength and peace of mind for her. And I hope you get to take that vacation at a time that is good for both of you.
In sympathy,
Posted by: SheilaC | June 11, 2006 at 10:18 AM
Jacob is now healed in heaven, he passed away Sunday night. Please keep his family in your prayers.
Posted by: Laura | June 13, 2006 at 02:31 AM