big smack attack

from december 6 2001, when magnificent charles' paternity leave ended and he had to head back to work to september 2004, when my tiny little sebastian headed off on the school bus (at 2.5 years!) to work/school, often when sebastian and i were alone, i kept up a ridiculous monologue with my little butter bean boy.

if i was setting up for a dinner party, i would have him strapped to my chest and i would chat with him about the proper way to hold your soup spoon. or what to do with mint sprigs that accompany sorbet. how to sober up someone who is drunk halfway through a six course meal.  we had lots of quiet times, young seb and i, and lots of music as well, but the monologue continued. i think in the back of my post partum brain i was certain that one day he would be sharing one of these snippets of information with a friend, and all of a sudden an aged lady from the table next to him would turn around and say, "by goodness! that is a lost art, young man!" and it would be lady astor or someone of that ilk, and she would be so bemused and impressed by this young man that she would leave him several million dollars and he would give me and his father a hefty chunk because we taught him all he knew.

add three kids and helpers into the house and those one on one conversations are a bit rarer. and the fact that sebastian talks back and his response might be, "well mr incredibles' friend frozone could skate over his soup". he's not learning the lessons anymore, sadly. shhh...listen carefully, can you hear the millions skating away?

today sebastian was at school and sela and jasper were off at PPA! (exclamation mark necessary). carys was home with me because she had an endocrinology appointment at 10.30. we read books, read to BEBE, discussed why we don't draw on ourselves, and as i loaded up the bag for our appointment, i found myself discussing with her why we were taking the straw sippy cup instead of the avent sippy cup. good HEAVENS. she was obediently answering yes everytime i paused, and if my eyebrows went up she would change her answer to no. but basically i was monologing the same way i had with sebastian. it was easy, it was fun, it was sweet, at least for me.

i have been to a lot of hospital appointments and i think i can say i have gotten rather blase about them. it has been a while since we received any bad news from the queen mary hospital. i had gotten out of the nicu tango, one step forward two steps back, when it came to my children making progress. which is why today's appointment was such a smack attack. it was totally unexpected me.

it started before we got into the waiting room. we were walking from the payment centre down the stairs to the clinic and a doctor passed us, and said something like, "she has trouble walking". i thought he was in a hurry and didn't pay attention, i was more concerned with the grime carys was collecting on her hands from the railing.

that same doctor was the doctor we saw in the exam room. "we meet again" he said suavely.

he left the room and came back with a box of stuff, and started testing carys. giving her blocks and asking her to build similar buildings, pick out a block the same colour as the one he was holding, to identify the picture where the boy was sitting next to the pillow (not on the pillow) and to put the dog underneath the table. when carys apparently failed to do any of these things he sighed.

he asked why the kids havent seen an occupational therapist. i said, "because you are the people who make the appointments." he lifted up the phone and barked into it, then informed me that we have appointments tomorrow.

then i got the talk about how i have to stop seeing my kids as premature. they are now ADJUSTED. and DELAYED. or at least carys is, he doesn't want to speak for the others. he knows i don't have time to spend one on one, but i need to read more. ARE YOU KIDDING I READ A LOT TO THESE KIDS! but i liked the guilt, that was nice.

then he decided he had had enough of that, might as well save some reproach for the OT (tomorrow) and became an endocrinologist again. said her muscles were good, bla bla bla, and then just as i was relaxing, half paying attention to what he was saying because i was plotting out how i can get some more one on one reading time with carys and get her talking more, he said

according to these growth charts, your daughter will be very small.

yes, carys is not growing well, friends. she is expected to be between 4'11 and five feet if all goes according to what is happening now. magnificent andi need to be considering if we want to put her on puberty delaying hormones in a few years, like when she is nine.

then it was time to go home.

this doctor was actually a very nice fellow, i kid you not. but what he said wasn't. i thought we were done this, plus i wasn't expecting it. i wasn't wearing my defensive jacket, i wasn't seeing carys as anything but my delightful little companion who had requested to wear her white church sandals and who had identified my tea as hot.

we've had so many steps forward, that a couple of steps back shouldn't be earth shattering. i just wasn't prepared. so i am going to do some research tonight to see if stretch racks are available on ebay. or if it is legal in china to have that surgery where they insert bone into your tibia to give you an extra two inches of height. proactive is good.

yuk.

Comments

[tertia]

Oh Tessy! After our chat yesterday about Carys, I can't believe it. What a shock it must have been for you.

Now, I am in no place to say anything happy clappy, but remember what you told me yesterday. About praying. Do that prayer again, because that one worked. And I am convinced it will work again.

I love you

xxx

[Auntie Pammie]

Tess,
I will be rooting for little lulu. It was nice talking to you last night....
Love you lots
P

[knobody]

you know the doctors don't know carys like you know carys. you know something they don't. you know her spirit. you know how far her determination has taken her and will take her. those are things that can't be measured by building block towers.

and as for the height predictions? why am i no where near 5'8" like the doctors predicted i would be? is it too late for me to get HGH shots? tibia surgery? i could do that. five feet is the perfect height for an olympic gold medal gymnist.

[Tina]

Tess,

We haven't met but I read you quite a bit and Mag Charles. I have had pretty much the same diagnosis as Carys. I was delayed developmentally and they gave me the necessary hormones to get from short to my now 5'6'' to help my growth. (And that was before they got HGH in medical deliverable forms). They can do a lot and this is nothing but a bump, I promise you. I still deal with endocronologists all the time and while they are generally very knowledgeable people, I'll quote my primary care doctor when I asked a question to her. She said "endocronologists like to sovlve a patient on paper". And in my experience throughout the 22 years I've dealt with them it's true. Bedside manner is not their forte.

All this to say, Carys is more than the facts on paper. You know that and she will thrive because of it.

If you want to discuss my experience with Endocronology, feel free to e-mail me or any way I can help alleviate the smack.

T

[Tina]

Apparently early in the a.m. for me means I can't spell (endocrinology) geez.

[Leggy]

I'm sorry- that must have been rough.
I guess I'm a little confused about why they'd consider growth hormones with a predicted height of 4'11" or 5'. That seems within the range of normal to me?
As for the developmental stuff- that's a harder pill to swallow. I hope your research guides you to stuff that is actually helpful, not stuff that makes you crazy with worry.
Thinking of you.

[Lori in YK]

Tess;

Another hurdle for your little ones to overcome.

Thank heavens you are stronger now and so are they. Do not let the doctors make light all the giant steps it took to get where you are...even if there are more to come. You have a right to notice gratifying advances in place of "negatives"...you are their MOM!! There is nothing wrong with focusing on all the loving, learning and living that is going on around you everyday!!

Hang in there!!

[knobody]

my mother in law says you can talk to her anytime about the advantages of being 4'10" :)

[Bangkok Expat Mama]

The comments preceding mine are so wise and supportive, and i echo all of them, so to keep this one brief I'll just add that three of the strongest female personalities I've known in my life -- my mum, my youngest sister, and a friend from high school -- range in height from 4'11 1/2" to 5'1", but their petiteness doesn't define them. They've enountered frustrations, sure (like sitting behind a giant at the cinema), but all three are dynamic, confident people. Maybe the puberty-delaying hormones will help Carys grow taller, but if they don't, or if you choose not to administer them, she'll be fine either way because of all the love she's growing up with. She'll be more than fine, I'd wager a Slurpee on it. :)

[brooke]

Hi -
I'm a long time lurker, who happens to be 4'8" tall (full grown). The only reason my height has ever defined me is because my parents made it an issue. Short is short. Tall is tall. She'll be fine as long as you keep doing what you are doing - just love her :)

[Boulder]

I'm sorry your defensive jacket was not at the ready - it can sting when you don't have its magical powers to use.

Your kids are quick studies and they'll do really well with OT - look at how they love gymnastics.

You'll sort out the growing issues with her best interests at heart, and do what you do best - parent with grace.

xoxo

[Jody]

I am sorry to say that, no matter how skilled, I don't cozy to doctors who make random comments to strangers in hallways. So this doctor lost me when he critiqued Carys's walking up the stairs.

He should be helping you to hear the message, not being a stumbling block in your way. At least he has the power to set up appointments quickly.

As for the height prediction, I'd be curious to know how he tracks that. There's pretty decent research now on preemies and micropreemies, and it seems to indicate that children have catch-up growth between 6 and 8 and then in puberty, and that they reach their genetic height potential. Is there some special reasons why he fears Carys will be an exception to that rule? Or is he just tracking her up her current curve?

Regardless, I have several friends under 5' tall, and it doesn't hold them back.

Still, I'm sorry you've gotten a slew of discouraging news. I hope the weekend gives you space to process and prepare for the next step.

(Oh, and I think the Mommy guilt was really out of place. Your babies were born at 26 weeks. You have full-time helpers and a happy schedule of enriching activities. So which is more likely to be the cause of delays: birth circumstances, or environment? I'm going to go with the whole 26-weeker thing, myself. Sheesh. How does making you feel bad help Carys?)

[sheilah]

And remember that small is not bad. My sister-in-law is just barely 5 feet tall (4'11-3/4 at one checkup) and she is the most wonderful friend, mother and wife in the world.

[stephanie]

Being short is not bad- At 33,I am 5ft tall (I gain an extra 1/4 inch depending on how I style my hair, if that helps). It's all down hill from here- any growing I do will sadly, not be vertical. I am a fully functioning adult, though- no one mistakes me for a kid. And I dye my hair, so it can't be b/c they can see any grey ;-)