Dim Sum Mum - Tess' Little Pieces

but from where i stand

our experiences truly are our watermarks, or ground zero.

the other day i was with two ladies from a neighbouring church, new acquaintances. one was bemoaning that her recent dadughter had been born at 36 weeks.

"oh i am so scared, having a premature baby is filled with such fears. i worry for her health, that she may be developmentally delayed, that her lungs may not be properly developed...." and she continued listing the worries.

while i managed to be helpful and point out some good statistics and websites, and milestones in her daughter's development that have already been observed, a small part of me asked, "ARE YOU KIDDING? I WOULD GIVE MY HUSBAND'S BRITISH INVASION COLLECTION, AND ANYTHING OF VALUE (not that i am hinting that my husbands british invasion lp collection isn't of value......) to have given birth to children at 36 weeks gestation."

later on, i was fiddling around an internet board and read a post by a new mother who had given birth to twins at 28w. and her sentiments are exactly the same as the mother of the daughter born at 36 weeks. fear for the babies, the potential health and mental issues. and the responders to her post reply, this is the worst thing, so terrible. and the mother updates, the babies weren't on vents, but still, cpap is very scary, not breathing on their own...so close to death, yes indeed....

and i am thinking as i read the diagnosis and drugs...no, these twins are doing so well. and while three and one half pounds seems tiny to you, that's HUGE.

and i am also thinking...oh, and about the vent? try having to have the vent shoved down your child's throat and knowing each hour it stays there potentially compromises their future health but knowing unless it's there the child has no earthly future....and again i think thoughts about charles' lp collection and even throw in my sweet valley high series for good measure.....if only the triumverate could have made it to 28 weeks.

and then i get an email from my friend jilly. i wasn't expecting this email for a few months, four to be exact. her twins have been born at 23w5d gestation. the little girl has already died. her son, whom she is too scared to name, is wrapped like a mummy in gauze, she can't even touch him. her aching breasts can't even provide for him nutritionally, he is only taking sugar water.

the penny drops. i know she would give anything to have carried him and his sister until 26 weeks. 24 weeks is her water mark just as definitely as 26 is mine.

no matter how easy we think others have had it, someone has had it worse than we have. and their fears are very real. it's their experience. they don't go into the preemie world with knowledge, they went in hoping for a perfect, "take home baby" like the majority gets.

i don't know where those flashes of "nicu" impatience came from. as someone else observed, you get it with infertility as well. 

my ground zero doesn't have any tiny white crosses. instead of criticising other's, i should be helping them out of the rubble, dusting them off. usually i do, but sometimes i forget.

no i didn't get a tummy tuck

in ER when they're rushing a guerney strapped person to an OR, they always show the ceiling, and the lights flashing by, one by one.

i remember seeing that montage monday around 8.50am. however, i don't remember the return trip. however, my fibroid did not accompany me back, nor did the two cysts the drs found near my right fallopian tube.

pre surgery the doctors and nurses had come in and explained a few things to me, how i would be feeling, why i would hurt, where i would hurt, where i would bruise...did i have questions...and i remember looking at magnificent charles and asking, "should i even ask questions or am i going to forget all this?". mc was tres reassuring, "no, you'll remember all this, it;s after the surgery you should't talk because you won't remember a thing." ah.

i DO remember that we watched four episodes of THE FAMILY GUY, except we only watched one, i DO remember that we slept a couple of hours except it was seven, i do remember that the doctor came in and talked to me (except it was both doctors and four nurses), and i do remember that the drugs were nice except there weren't enough. (TRUE)

magnificent was knackered by 7pm (i had slept the morning away, his day had been tougher apparently, but i forget what he did), so he went home to get sleep and my dear friend steph came to see me. we chatted for a couple of hours and then she eyeballed me to make sure i took all my medications and then left. i dozed all night long and contemplated if it would be too much trouble to get a catheter at home. i was liking this concept of not getting out of bed despite drinking copious amounts of water.

the next morning, steph arrived early, with her vhs and a bunch of bags. how good friends are we?

1) she had me tie personalised tags on to 175 bags promoting her company, joy distributions

2) she didn't say a word when she went to the bathroom and had to move my still full bedpan (CHARMING) which was of course threaded with blood

3) SHE HAD TAPED THE AMAZING RACE AND HOUSE FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE.

I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER

then sebastian and charles, louise, terri and cora joined us. terri's daughter olivia is in sebastian's class so the kids played happily except when seb fell a$$ over teakettle and hit his head and started crying.

that afternoon i sort of rested. more friends came, odila and i chatted and laughed, the triplets ate their dinner with me, and charles came by.

that night was tougher...pain in my ribs and shoulders was worse, and the bruises were really painful and of course i had tried walking too long of a distance and was really hurting..but i did manage to sleep.

and the next day i talked them into discharging me.

so i am home, walking a little oddly, but glad it is all over. today the day did not get off to an officious start, everyone was out of the house and i was in a fair bit of pain and there was no glass of water by my bedside to accompany my pills down my throat. so i lay in bed and tried to pretend i could tough it out until everyone came home for lunch. that lasted 15 minutes. then i dragged myself out of bed and took the pills with bathroom tap water, yuk.

enough said. it is good to be home. RIP fibroid.

Tess update

DH reporting here... for updates on Tess' progress please visit my blog.

putting the kids to bed is not only a relief and a very enjoyable time of day for me, but an opportunity to see my offspring's personalities in action. not so much their sleeping positions, but what it takes to get them to sleep shows in what direction the kids are heading.

young sebastian still dotes on Special Blanket. although Special Blanket did not come on holidays with us and does not leave the house, when based in hong kong, sebastian requires Special Blanket to get to sleep. or believes he does. many smart parents out there have two of whatever it is their child is addicted to. i do not have two Special Blankets, but i do have a cousin to Special Blanket, the same blanket except one side does not have a white background with tiny puppy dogs frolicking across it. it can be used in a pinch, but he won't cuddle it. he will accept it on his bed, but he won't rub the tag between his fingers and hold it beneath his nose like he does the original, the vintage Special Blanket.

jasper is attached to nothing. he has a blanket, but it isnt necessary. i have never once been called into the bedroom by jasper because he is unable to sleep unless something is returned to him. toys, they're okay. jasper is still drawn to the bottom of his bed, nearer his sisters. he usually sleeps in that position, head at the bottom of the bed, and still occasionally falls out of bed. but no "sleep props" for him. he is a totally independent dude, dependant on the company of others.

SURPRISE carys does not, cannot, will not sleep without BEBE. BEBE is the equivalent of Special Blanket for her. however, there have been occasions recently where we have disciplined her by removing BEBE. while that may seem a road that will just lead straight to a therapist's office, what were we to do and b: i love therapy!! at night she was handing BEBE to sela and jasper and they were playing a merry little game of pass the BEBE that would only stop when BEBE was dropped or they started dropping off to sleep. mc caught them in action and said, "you don't want BEBE, i will take her away." and he did. and she cried and got all snotty. and after three removals and sleepless nights for carys (BEBE seemed to enjoy the break away though)...she stopped carelessly passing BEBE around.

sela is a true bedtime packrat. her beloved is spongebob square pants (although like BEBE and Special Blanket, SBSP does not come on holidays with us), but our social miss also requires the pillow made for her by peach, a blanket (actually a face flannel but who are we to argue with her perspective?) give to her by sandi, and BEBE's sister, courtesy of dale. and of course, if one of her friends lent her something, it has to come to bed as well, and possibly a doll or some other toy. she mothers them all and covers BEBE's sister carefully with the sandi blanket. i once assumed that having SBSP would be enough for her and left off a few of the integral players. MISTAKE. she yowled and protested, "MY BLANKET! MY BABY!" loudly until i handed them over to her, whereapon she smiled, said, "thank you" and snuggled down, thumb in mouth heading off to sleep sure in the knowledge that her kingdom was in order.

 

carys the fairest

something really divine happened the other day. i was chatting with a friend of mine about life, God and dreams and she asked to see a picture of my kids. my friend is french, and very well put together in the hair, accessories, shoes and clothes department. i have always thought of her as being very attractive. and her eyes, hot-cha-cha!!

she was looking at pictures of the kids, when she did a quick intake of her breath and quietly said,

oh goodness.

i looked at her and said, "what's up?"

and she responded, "that daughter there, which one is she? carys? she looks identical to how i used to as a child. identical."

i stepped back and looked at my friend's face. carys' skin is lighter and her eyes are paler, but yes, there is a resemblance. i have always known that little lulu looks like my dad, but no one wants to imagine their daughter looking like their dad. unless he is like clay aiken or liza minelli's ex, david gest, and quite feminine to begin with.

but looking at my friend, i saw what carys might look like in coming years as a woman resembling my father. i was so overwhelmed. i have wondered, with the pressing of the machines and the prematurity what her face might look like...but if she continues to resemble my friend, (and my dad just in a more feminine way), she will be beautiful.

x x x x

the little beauty is ill right now. she vomitted at ppa. all over her new shirt and she cried with the shame of it all. she came home early for hugs and cuddles and just wanted to be held and comforted. it is nothing terrible, a temperature and she smells funny (even after baths), but she is pretty miserable. poor little kitten. most of the time if she isn't being cuddled (and it is tough to type with a child in your lap even if they are being very very still), she is standing bewildered in the middle of a room, holding BEBE to her and wailing in misery. she just vomitted up her tylenol, i have re-medicated her and hope that stays down. little sweetheart.

until last month, as long as sebastian wasn't around, i could do pretty much anything i liked at home and know that unless i told magnificent about it, he wouldn't find out.

and even if sebastian was around, a well timed distraction (movie, sweetie...depending on how much time i needed), could get me confidentiality.

however, those verbal triplets are getting me and others in trouble.

i guess it is my own fault for encouraging them to talk. but really, if they don't stop making my life difficult and embarrassing me, i will stop reading to them. they have no problem repeating things i would rather they didnt. they bust me. i need to face it (and change my activities accordingly) - i am no longer the sole gatekeeper of information. there are four security leaks in holland's dam, and i only have one finger to plug up leaks, if you will.

jasper isn't really a fink, but he is a repeater. so something that might slide by if said once, jasper has to repeat until it sinks into mc's psyche.

ie: friday.

i had a weakness and consumed a not unsubstantial bag of nibs. let's blame it on pms. magnificent got home and wondered why i wasn't overly enthusiastic about going out for dinner. i hemmed and hawed, actually tried distracting him a la sebastian. but then good old jasper trundled along and mentioned, "mummy ate sweeties, daddy." and when mc didn't respond, he turned up the volume and repeated his statement until magchar looked at me and said, "what did you eat?"

and then i had to tell him.

carys is a finder and revealer of secrets, definitely the first and occasionally the second. in years to come, she will store the sights she discovers up, waiting to trade them in for favours. but for now, she is fast to repeat what her siblings say, or to share with her siblings what she has seen. seb doesn't so much listen to her, she takes too long to speak, but the others certainly do.

the other day carys came across me filing some shoes away for Christmas. girlie shoes. and i explained they were for a long time for now, to be quiet...and my little girlie-whirlie got up, raced down the hallway calling for sela. shared the news with her and the next thing i know, sela is up to me, arms pumping and shoulders hunched (the way she runs) and interrogating me, "pitty shoes? carwis said pitty shoes?"

sela herself is loud, and no good in the secrets department. life has so much variety and she is just bursting to tell you all about it because it is so exciting and interesting. we were singing the goodnight song tonight and after singing to grandparents, aunts, dora, swiper, boots, diego, sally,  adam, ashley, ellen, baby ella, baby zahlia, tallinn, abby, daddy, chahlie and assorted others, we got to tallulah. suddenly sela held up the songest and declared, "tallulah got time out."

i looked at de, and he confirmed that in the playground tallulah had been given a time out.  sela nodded and kept singing.

she's like the ticker tape at the bottom of cnn, continually updating you.

i have to say, i look back to the olden days when i could do whatever and not worry about being finked out by three little people with fondness. you would think they would show some gratitude and not bust the one who helped them learn and speak. but then again, dora, the wiggles, bob the builder, and leapfrog tad probably get more credit than i do.

on another topic entirely, jasper is having a tough time doing his poos in the toilet.  we're encouraging him, but it is frustrating. sunday, he informed his daddy that he needed to do a wee and a poo, so ,c put the blonde beast of burden on the toilet. thespian grunts followed.

where is your poopers, jasper? inquired mcharles, the most loving and patient man i know.

in the toilet, daddy, responded the impish jude, throwing in a few grunts for good measure, so we could get an idea of what a task he was enduring.

charles checked and realised that jasper was not telling the truth.

jasper! he said, quite firmly for him. where is your poopers?

and jasper looked at his dad and said, "it's in my bum".

well, at least some things can still be hidden.  which around here is a rarity.

next year i won't care

one of the best lines from rick warren's THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE can be paraphrased as such:

90 per cent of what you are worrying about now, will be unimportant this time next year.

the first time i read that i said to myself,

"hmmm, what was i worrying about last year? probably only big things."

but you know, if i think back to what i was worrying about in october 2005, i really cant remember specifics. i am sure the generals were there: good health, sebastian's hearing tests, and ??

i certainly wasn't worrying if there would be freshly made custard filled chocolate frosted krispy kreme donuts, which is now a dominant concern in my life every time i take the #22 bus into central.

monday, i will go in to the hospital for a three hour surgery, a three day hospital stay, and a new caesarean, all in the name of removing irritating, ambitious fibroid. yet have i given that much thought? not alot. what have i been thinking about? schooling for my children, sebastian's party, financing for various endeavors and a relationship. if we are meant to stay in hong kong, and if not...where to go? and there are other things, i forget what they are though.

the book also reminds you that it is a waste of energy to worry about things that you haven't a hope of changing.

next year, will i remember that i was worrying about the triplets all failing their hearing tests and if they all require grommets how we will tell their earplugs apart? (that was it, i knew i had forgotten something.) does worrying about the hearing fall under the 10 per cent of stuff that it is legit to be concerned about?

i still think the chances are good i will be concerned about the custard krispy kremes. the heart wants what it wants.