two factors affected last nights insomnia:

1) i went to the dr to have my stitches looked at/taken out and i happily assure you, he did a fantastic job. however, one side was a little lumpy and painful. when i went to bed, i turned over too quickly and wow! super size me pain.

2) misery over carys' appointment and dread over the following day's THREE appointments. fact of the matter was, as bad as carys' had been, i was going to have to live through three probably frustrating and disheartening rounds of testing, the next day.

around 5pm i was msn'ing with the amazing boulder who held my hand through this myomectomy, until she ended cheerily with, "well, i should be heading to bed now". SHE HADN"T SLEPT YET and had to get up and function the next day on three hours of sleep. how?

i found out how that night. at midnight i was awake, and ripped into the halloween chocolates i had purchased, wondering if a little chocolate might assist me in sleeping, or at least comfort me. at one i started cruising through ebay, wondering if retail therapy might assist me in getting to sleep. i found a very nice cream coloured calvin klein sweater. the price was good. i looked it up on the calvin klein website and liked it even more. problem....the auction was ending in three hours....

i went to bed at two and spent a while praying for people, hoping the soothing heat of bed and coldness of my feet dangling out of the bed combined with the prace i feel when talking with God would help drift me off to sleep. at three o clock i realised my attempt was unsuccessful and headed back to the computer, to fine tune a speech i am making on november 5 and determine what visuals i want accompanying it.

i went back to ebay and bid on the cream sweater. someone else had bid on it. i wasn't too concerned, it wasn't a LOVE IT situation. if i woke up in the morning and i had won it, super...if not, no worries. no tiredness. i got caught up on emails and did administrative stuff. started mentally writing my next article. reviewed a movie i had seen, GLOOMY SUNDAY.

the auction ended and the sweater was mine. yay, great price. i received an email from charmaine, and i called her to celebrate my ebay victory. i let her listen to the birds starting to chirp outside. and at 5.30am, i went to sleep.

and woke up in horror at 9.50am, 10 minutes before the appointments.

called charles frantically. he must have thought the kids had been kidnapped.

"where are the kids? where are you?"

"they're at playgroup and i am at work"

"but their appointments? they need to be there andi have to be there. call lita tell her to get there and i will meet them at the hospital."

"we can reschedule, tess, you didn't sleep and you need your sleep."

"no we can't and a parent needs to be there, this is important."

i race to the hospital, (dressed but that is my only concession to the outside world), and jump into the room where sela and jasper are about to be tested. amen, the OT has two kits.

and the testing begins. i am not going to go into detail, except to say it could have been worse for all of them, but it was tough to watch.

but i will say, i love my husband, because halfway through sela and jasper's testing, HE WALKED IN.

to support me. or maybe because he thought i was so unhinged that he couldn't count on me giving him a proper run down of what the OT said. who knows, but there he was and magnificent, thank you for making us a priority. i love you, bunny.

none of the kids are at their age levels. that's the bottom line.  all are below median range, another fact. in a couple of days i can take that on, but for now, i just need to process it, and wonder why i didn't see this coming. and not to feel guilty about it. and remember, like so many of you so kindly pointed out, these children have overcome so much. this is just one more thing.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  matthew 11.28

i'll be taking God up on that promise.

Comments

[Boulder]

Don't make me out to be wondrous - I came a little unhinged with my own guy today. Sleep is a necessity, and sometimes I forget to read that fine print.

I'm sorry that you had an all night bout with the demons of sleeplessness, but am happy you at least got a sweater out of it & some things crossed off the proverbial to do lists!

As for the children, I'm as certain as ever that you will all manage quite well. This is a small hurdle compared to those that you have already been over. I am happy, though, that you have a lovely husband to go the with the route.

Let the news sink in first, then you'll be ready to tackle it all head-on.

xoxo

[Jody]

I'm sorry about the insomnia and the discouraging appointments. But wow, you have a fantastic husband! And the information that discourages you now will empower you later.

Meanwhile, you have lots of friends on the internet to lend their long-distance support.

[Alison]

I know this is not the first time that you've had to take in and, by the grace of God, work through it, so, therefore, I know you can. Fortunately, you have a wonderful husband to help you along the way.

[Alison]

Okay, I can't type this morning. That was supposed to read, "take in bad news and,......"

[Megan]

You don't know me and I don't even know anymore how I found your blog but you and ALL your little ones are in my prayers. Here's a mental hug!

[Karen]

Awwww Tess - I know it's hard, but try not to worry too much. With you and Charles as their parents I KNOW they will get all the care they need. Most preemies take awhile to catch up - but they will catch. They will.

Hope you are recovering well, I have been thinking of you bunches!

[SheilaC]

I'm sorry for the shock of this news, yesterday and today, which would be difficult to hear even if you were expecting trouble. It's so painful to hear a negative assessment of your beloved children.

Our kids were still significantly delayed at 2 1/2, both in physical development and speech-language. We were very concerned for them. However at 3 1/2 they no longer needed OT or PT follow-up, and at 4 1/2 they were discharged from speech therapy. All have done very well in kindergarten and so far in grade one.

Our smallest babe, who followed her own growth chart curve around the 5th to 10th percentile, has suddenly caught up significantly to her siblings between age 5 and 6. She still has lower muscle tone, and can't run as fast as the others, but she enjoys sports and dance, and excels at fine motor tasks, reading and music.

Our kids (triplets born at 30 weeks) are not really a close match for yours, but I hope to offer a little encouragement. Delay is not a permanent condition, therapies can be very successful, and preemies can continue to "catch up" both in growth and in development. Yours have come along so far already! They are little heroes, and so are you, their loving parents.

From this discouraging news, and the therapy plans to come, may you find renewed strength, courage and hope.

[Lori in YK]

Hi Tess;

You have alot going on in your life right now and insomnia can be an indicator that a time out may be overdue. Maybe to lift your spirits a little Charles and yourself could steal away for an evening...dinner, dancing (a little romancing??!!)... just a little time to focus on eachother.

Take good care of yourself and be assured that the everything else will fall into place.

[Leggy]

That must have been hard to hear- I'm sorry. I hope that the therapies help. And I know the praying will.
Get a good night's sleep tonight. :)

[Charmaine]

I love you. I love MC. And I love your children. You are a great mother Tess and they are in good hands with you. I know this enough for both of us.

Love you. C