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June 13, 2007

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Rae

Oh my GOSH!! Our son is adopted and we had nothing but support. HOWEVER, i catch my FIL saying how he has 9 g'daughters and knowone to carry on the family last name. I get SO irritated and hurt 'cause i'm like excuse me?? DS is just as much your g'son as your g'daughters no matter WHAT way he came. He's in his 80's so i can't say i expect much out of him but man does it STING!! Your friends sisters comments would be enough to make me stop all communication with her tell she apologizes. I could just cry thinking about this all. Man i would have FLIPPED OUT! I'm so sorry to your friend for her sister ignorant comment and I hope she addresses it with her.

Auntie Pammie

Who needs family like that . Stick the bitch on a ice flow in the arctic and let her loose.. I hate ignorant people and she is Id say one of the leaders!

lyns

The best response is to say NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO... the term adopted means that the child is now officially and legally a member of the family just as I am now a Granger because I married Rick..... that's just how it works. The SIL must have other issues and feels that she needs to take them out on someone.. or maybe the grandma is putting pressure on someone for some stupid reason... no matter the case the child is part of the family and by all counts should have whatever heirlooms are due her!!!! THis is the most horrid thing I have ever heard of... please pass on my support to your friend!!! xo lyns

elaine

That makes me sooo mad & I hurt for your friend. It also makes me appreciate our extended families (both my husband's & mine) as they have always accepted our adopted son & his many adopted cousins as family in exactly the same way as those who were born into our families. I can't help but agree with Auntie Pammie's assessment of your friend's sister in law! How incredibly small minded.

Leggy

That kind of stuff makes my blood boil. How dare she say that? I feel so bad for your friend. I'm not sure that I could continue to be civil to a family member if they said something like that to me.

Leanne

My brother married a lovely woman with a little girl - my beautiful niece Jasper - and if anyone so much as hinted that she wasn't a valid member of the family I would be LIVID.
This makes my blood boil!

Mariluz

This is an example of sheer ignorance! I don´t know how I would educate other people to let them know that adoption is just another way to welcome a member in the family!

Alison

That is absolutely horrible! I assume your friend hasn't expressed mailed the jewelry back? LOL

My husband's aunt and uncle adopted a beautiful little girl, and she was instantly a member of the family before anyone ever saw her. As soon as they got the pictures with the referral, they were emailed around the family as fast as any baby pictures ever were.

Luann

sister IN LAW and she has the balls to do this? WHO isn't really family???? And what if she divorces the brother? Bitch bitch bitch bitch. I'd claw her eyes out.

My son was adopted thru foster care. He has been part of BOTH our families since the day he came with a garbage bag full of filthy clothes and nothing else.

I simply cannot imagine.

Luann

Crap..she's her husbands sister..so she IS family...but she's still a wicked bitch and I'd STILL claw her eyes out.

thalia

That's one of the worst things I've heard about family and adoption, I'm sure your friend is completely shell-shocked. I think I'd just reply perhaps with a letter so your friend can express herself fluently, to say of course she won't be doing this as her daughter is part of the family, and she finds the whole request distasteful on that basis.

Having said that, I do think people go a bit loopy about wills and jewelry and stuff. My grandmother left me a ring in her will, and my aunt pinched it, saying she was her mother's daughter and deserved it more than me, as the eldest granddaughter. It was all a bit awful as my dad got very upset about it. My aunt (who is also my godmother, to make it worse) agreed in the end to keep it and then leave it to me in her will. Let's see if that happens!

Laura

This made me GASP out loud! What a slap in the face that must have been! I agree with a previous comment about writing a letter. This needs to be addressed asap so it is known NOTHING of this sort will be tolerated. I hope it was just said in ignorance and not in bad feelings. Hugs for your friend.

Jamie

Yeah, that's pretty out there.

I think anyone who wanted to classify an adopted person as a lower-class of sibling should probably re-think things. Pam is right on the money.

I was hoping to have Blake adopt me at some point - just never worked out.

sheilah

I have two cousins who were adopted and from the way my parents have talked I don't think my grandmother ever thought they were her 'real' grandchildren.

This attitude made my parents shake their heads in wonder.

CariP

Unbelievable and totally unacceptable. Your poor friend. :( Of course the child is part of the family? What else would she be, a long term exchange student? So ignorant. It makes me want to scream and then bash the SIL over the head with a waffle iron. And of course the jewels and other heirlooms should stay right where they are and get passed down to whomever your friend decides should get them, which I presume will be her lovely and loved daughter.

kathleen999

I think this is likely just acquisitiveness. I confess to having had different feelings about my adopted brother than I have with my bio sister...but I am not sure if that is because she and I are closer in age (he is 7 years younger) or male, or adopted. He definitely has a very different personality than she and I. But again, is it the genes or something else?

I think the important thing in these cases is that even if you have feelings that tell you "I don't want that jewelry to go to someone not genetically related!" is to recognize that those feelings are petty and unworthy, and to disregard them when deciding how to act. Because a person's feelings and rights as a member of the family are FAR more immportant than any petty thoughts about where THINGS should go. They are just things. People are what count.

Carol

Thank you for writing about this issue, Tess. My grandchildren (both adopted) are mine, mine, mine! They are my family and there is no prouder grandmother than I--Gramma to Macarthur and Madeline Claire.

Karen Ritchey

Turf the sister in law out of the family tree.
Being the Mom of two adopted children, I can't hack ignorant people who think that birth children are superior to adopted children. We are privileged to parent both, and could never choose one over the other.
Smack her in the head...in a christian way,of course!

Lowa

Wow. Have not commented in a while and feel the need on here. People really can be odd and very hurtful.

My younger brother was adopted. He died almost two years ago. I will never forget one of the most odd comments I got from a neighbour.

She was telling me how sorry she was that my brother had died. Her son and my son play together and my son had told her son, who told her. I said thank you, it was sudden and hard and we are all in shock, etc. I went on to explain more about him, and when she discovered he was adopted, she threw her head back and said, "OH!! OKAY!! I thought it was your REAL brother who died!?!? Well, that's not so bad then."

I sat there open mouthed. I had no idea what on earth to say. I tried not to start weeping, that anyone could say such a thing. I escorted her quickly to the door. And that was the end of that.

Hope Seb feels better soon! Poor little man:( Don't feel too bad, just explain that you thought it was done, you made a mistake and would never ever lie to him on purpose. He will understand and forgive you.

Julia

Let me ask you about this situation:

My mother has three generations of children, ranging in age from 39-nearly 3. The first five (ages 39-19) are her bio kids, and she adopted four babies that are now 5 (three of them) and nearly 3. My mother has five pieces of furniture from her mother. She has said that those should be spilt up amongst us five older kids. It never even occurred to any of us that the babies should get something. My mother doesn't have much in the way of jewelry from her mother, but there are two pearl necklaces that are supposed to go to my sister and me. But is it wrong of us to not consider the babies? They never knew my grandmother, so I don't know if that's why we all feel fine with this. But do you think it's wrong?

Lori in YK

WOW! Where to start...the human thought can be a such a dangerous thing!!

After so graciously offering support during the adoption process and throwing a beautiful baby shower....she has so litteraly disrespected her brother and his wife and I would be interested to know what the brother has to say about his sister the hypocrite ! This type of comment can never be forgotten or taken back!!

My husband was adopted as an older child and I know from comments that he has made that it is difficult enough for adopted kids to just feel that they belong. Being adopted can lead to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness...this Aunt has just consiously decided to damage this childs ego.

So...how long until their daughter becomes an actual part of the family? In the eyes of this Aunt I believe NEVER and if I was the SIL I would never trust her with the childs welfare...mental or physical!

Mandy

That she would have that attitude about an adopted child is really unfair and a shame - I can imagine how hurt they must be.

Regarding the jewelry itself - whoever passed it on to them to begin with chose for THEM to have it, to do with as they so choose and if they choose to give it to their daughter, the SIL has no say in the matter. Period.

My SIL got really bent out of shape about some items my dh's mom gave to us (she's still living) because she felt as 'the daughter' she should be given all such items. Never mind that my husband is MIL's son, and if something happened to our marriage the items would stay with HIM (to my mind). She was very possessive of things when their grandma died and my husband would have liked something for our daughter but wasn't willing to put up a fuss (which is fine).

Some people are very materialistic and short sighted. I'm sorry they're dealing with that. I think ultimately an email along the lines of "knowing how much we love our daughter, I hope you can imagine how hurtful we found your comments insinuating she is not family. These items were passed down to us by ___ and what happens to them is of our choosing, not yours. We thought you shared our views on our family and are really disappointed to find out otherwise. It feels as if you are prioritizing 'things' over people and that's a real shame."

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