what i have lost

while i am sure there are several hundred millimetre sized doll hands, battery enclosure covers and other items missing, i have lost something else.

it has been missing for a while now, but i am only able to write about it now.

i have lost my "cuddly boy".

jasper is no longer content to wander up to me in the middle of a playdate and crawl into my arms, smile seductively, and relax, gently stroking my arm with his fingers. or after lunch. or...or. you get what i am saying.

he is still a loverboy, and still quick with the winning words, but the spontaneous and lingering* cuddles just aren't there anymore. the thrill is gone,the thrill is gone baby.

this has hit me rather hard. sebastian never was a cuddler, and as you might suspect, i was grateful when the majority of the triplets STOPPED their cuddling phase, since it coincided with clinging. i was so grateful to see them exploring their world, it did masses for my guilt relief. and besides, i had jasper, my cuddler. my dozy, goodnatured little lad who could always be counted on to roam, not too far, and return for some love.

the other day we were at playtown (an indoors playground) and the kids were racing around. jasper came for a drink of water. it had been a while since i had seen any of the kids, so i beckoned jasper to me. he gave me "the smile" and sidled over. i picked him up and plopped him on my lap. he was still for less than five seconds, then upright again. "i have to go! my team is looking for me!" he declared.

as he ran away, i looked at janne and said, "i am losing my lover"

and she put her hand on my arm and replied, "yes, you are."

*i should add that when jasper knows he should be a) getting ready for bed b) in bed c) cleaning d) doing something he finds unpleasant, jasper is more than willing to approach me and cuddle. but really, how do i feel knowing that he sees cuddling with me as the lesser of two evils? am i that desperate and longing for a baby cuddle?

truthfully.........sometimes.

Comments

[Dad aka GDad Blake]

A possible substitute could be a neutered cat that ingests valium.

Love to all....Dad

[Jill]

Oh Blake! I was tearing up at Tess' post because I feel the exact same with my cuddler...and then I read your post while consuming a hearty mouthful of coffee and nearly drowned my monitor! Thanks for the smiles. As for you Tess, I have nothing. I can only sympathise. Your writing always inspires me to write. You capture so much and motivate me to do the same. Merry Christmas!

[Mo aka Maureen aka Grandmother aka Mum]

Sad sigh. Nobody ever told us about these particular moments when we signed up for parenthood, did they? Yes darling, it sucks.

Love, M xox

[JoeInVegas]

He will not get any cuddlier. Besides, do you really want him to be 16 and taller than you and still coming to mommie? (well, maybe, instead of new girlfriend - oh, that's a later subject, sorry)

[Super B's Mom]

I, too, am suffering from the loss of cuddling. This afternoon, B refused to hold my hand walking across the parking lot at the grocery store. I still get a little cuddling as long as no one is looking. Makes me sad - I want to hold on to that as long as I can. Hugs to you, Tess.