goodbye and thank you.
charles gave the keys for 6a back to the government today. i haven't been back in the flat since last wednesday. i didn't know my last walk out the door would be my last walk out the door...it just was. there was no lingering look over my shoulder, no rub of my hand on the door frame, no walk from room to room remembering the last time these rooms were empty.
no there was none of that.
i love 4d already. i love the people in it and i love the possibilities. i love being able to stand at the kitchen sink, washing dishes and watch my kids racing around on the playground. i love the separate bedrooms. i have cosy little reading areas already.
and reading is how i found 122 pokfulam road in the first place.
i was sitting, miserably unpregnant in our flat on seymour road (which we loved) and looking through the papers when a teeny advert caught my eye in the rental section. FOR LET - GOV'T QTRS, 2450 sq ft, PKLM. $22,000 and then the realtors number.
well, there was a time when the words PKFM were as far out of town for us as say, CHINA. pokfulam? that was a good 10 minutes out of central! living there? no thank you!
but, the space! the price! i called the realtor, made an appointment, and called charles.
we found 122 pokfulam road, and entered its modest lobby. the realtor started to apologise for it, and then charles and i said, "hey, we're not living in the lobby." i personally don't care what the lobby looks like. don't like paying for upkeep of marble floors.
the flat we saw was 10a. we wanted it. we didn't get it.
but i promised myself, the next 122 flat that came up, we would get.
and then 6a came on the market.
a nice number. we could walk up the stairs if the lifts weren't working, and the buses were so plentiful and convenient.
there were a lot of children in the building, but we still hoped to join that rank, even though my epilepsy had just gotten us turned down for adoption.
i went to toronto to do my ivf, and charles stayed behind. to try to seal the deal on 6a, which was in appalling shape.
and he got it.
one night as he was directing the contractors to paint a wall, i called him on his mobile. i could hear drilling and shouting in the background. i asked him to find a quiet spot. and i read him a poem.
and told him i was pregnant.
6a became part of our history.
the background to the pregnancy pictures (can't say we remembered to take weekly ones).
where we brought sebastian.
where friends came, sat on our balcony, smoked, ate, drank, laughed, and celebrated this wonderful phase we had entered into. infertility had taken so much out of our relationship. and here we were in quite pokfulam, surrounded my green on one side, water on the other, and...neighbours.
paula, mel, andrea, caroline, alice, bonnie, lisa. people i could run to for cups of sugar or cups of tea. people who could answer childrearing or hong kong questions. people with senses of humour and strong shoulders. a community.
the decision to go to alpha, made in our kitchen. the decision that has had the biggest impact on our lives.
fingers peeling paint when i learned xia xia the cat had died.
and then, a second pregnancy. lucy. inside the flat a great deal for this one. sebastian's fingers marking his growth, milk, rice cereal, strained peas, then cheerios caught between the cracks in the hardwood floors. crack goes my heart. darting to catch him before he fell, holding the cats as they climbed up the curtains. lita. mila. de.
babies born. the blur.the weary trudge from the flat every day. the return home. the fear every time the phone rang. 100 days and then their triumphant homecoming. on ashleigh's first birthday party.
the walls flourished. expanded. friends. adam and annie coming over every day, eating lunch. playing together. anjali every wednesday.
standing looking out into the kitchen when charles called to tell me his mum had passed.
those rooms can never be empty to me. they are filled with my days. eight years of my life. quiet contentment, laughter, sorrow, fear, anger, miscommunication, regret, learning, living.
but i can say goodbye because there are rooms to fill. i'm not lot's wife, looking back over her shoulder and refusing to see all the beauty that lies ahead. and live in it.
we are so grateful to still be in our building. it's the people.
at one point i didn't think i would be able to go back into 6a. but i now know i will. as soon as some other family moves in there, it will be theirs. filled with their memories, love, scents and rhythm. i can visit their home, and i have mine waiting for me.
Beautiful, Tess. I have had - so many loved family and friends have had - the privilege and pleasure of being part of 6A. Thank you for the memories. And now, the next phase - 4D! Can't wait.
Much love, M xox
Posted by: Maureen Lyons aka Mum aka Mo | July 11, 2009 at 04:10 AM
Your mother has advised me that if 4d isn't suitable we will make room,in Yellowknife, for the 6-8 of you but there might not be room for the 3 fish.
Love to all....Dad(but at Mo's address).
Posted by: Maureen Lyons aka Mum aka Mo | July 11, 2009 at 04:41 AM
On to the next adventure(s) that life and the new flat hold for you, I cant wait to see you in the very near future!
Posted by: Auntie Pammie | July 11, 2009 at 06:25 AM
Glad your home had so many good memories, moving is always an emotional thing. Glad your new home will soon be filled with many more amazing memories and lots of kids and lots of noise and lots of love and laughing.
Posted by: Mel | July 11, 2009 at 08:18 PM
Beautifully said, Tess!
Posted by: edebock | July 14, 2009 at 06:44 AM
That was a lovely reflection Tess. I have so many wonderful memories of 6A ... but thankfully I've been into a D flat and can easily picture you all set up. I am so thrilled for you all that you didn't have to leave 122. Enjoy your summer in Canada.
Love Lucy
Posted by: Lucy Moran | July 14, 2009 at 11:35 AM
What a writer you are! All these years of emotions and history were very well put in this posting of yours! What a feeling of satisfaction you and Charles must have of being able to enjoy so much history together! Good for you! Love and have a second round of a blast at 4D, Odila
Posted by: odila | July 14, 2009 at 12:13 PM
I recollect the days on the TTC boards. Many blessings . always!!!
xxxxxx
Posted by: parmjit | July 18, 2009 at 03:58 PM