Dim Sum Mum - Tess' Little Pieces

bad drugs

by the end of this summer, when forest fires, accommodation and related other issues were no longer of utmost priority, after uniforms had been pressed, classrooms had been memorised and routines had been establised, i got to several similar emails which had been sitting in my inbox for a few weeks.

the subject headers included: "thought you should know" "you probably already know" "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?" "What Does This Mean For Your Kids (Particularly Sebbie and Carys?) and FYI"

What THIS was, was the study put out by the New England Journal of Medicine which revealed that children born to women who were on valproates during pregnancy (and all my four were) will have iq's nine points less than children who weren't.  here's an excerpt......

A study today adds more evidence that women who could get pregnant shouldn't take the commonly prescribed anti-epileptic drug valproate, also used to treat migraines and bipolar disorder.

The study, which is published in The New England Journal of Medicine, assessed 258 2- and 3-year-olds whose mothers took one of four anti-epileptic drugs while pregnant.

On average, children exposed to valproate had an IQ of 92, six to nine points lower than the others. Still, the authors caution, uncontrolled seizures in the mother are riskier than any anti-epileptic drug, so women shouldn't suddenly stop their medication.

Some anti-epileptic medications have been used for more than a century, but doctors didn't begin to recognize their pregnancy risks until the 1960s, says lead author Kimford Meador, an Emory University neurologist in Atlanta.

Some research suggests that the average IQ has risen from 100 to 110 or 115, Holmes says. If so, he says, even lamotrigine, which fared best in Meador's study, might have a significant effect.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, tuck that piece of knowledge away for my next pregnancy? Sure thing.

OBVIOUSLY there's not a lot I can do about this.

And as I was talking it through with another mum the other day at school, I realised it really doesn't bother me that much. Both Charles and I are of average intellect (Charles smarter), and i reckon our children will have average intellect, give or take nine points. And their emotional IQ ought to be all right as well. At the end of the day, we;re in God's hands. This isn't a massive deal. If the study revealed that the drugs caused depression, or another mental illness, or if it prevented them from loving, or feeling...then i would be sad. Nine IQ points? That's all right. They've still got joy.
There's nothing I can do about this. I went on drs advice (and i did see three doctors!) and they went on the medical knowlege there was at the time.

My kids are for the most part, healthy. They are smart and loving. This isn't going to hold them back. They're going to learn about endurance. Obstacles. So many other kids in this world have huge obstacles. IF this is one for them then it is a small one, and they will be fine. We're in God's hands.

bananas and boys

the other day i was standing at kennedy school talking with assorted parents and the principal.

"where else in the world," i inquired "do kids get to see banana trees from their classroom windows?"

especially as we prepare to head off to the philippines on the building trip, i am painfully aware that there are many children in tropical climates who see banana trees from roadsides, homes, cars, but not schools. one of the many reasons i love my husband is that he gives so generously to charities and for the last year we have provided education and hot meals for 60 children.

among the many trees surrounding kennedy school are several banana trees. and they are fruitful.

today sebastian went on a field trip. i accompanied him. we went to mui wo and cleaned up a beach. then we walked for about 20 minutes and learned about composting and ways of preserving energy around the home.

sebastian and i left the field trip early. the reason for this is that sebastian has karate every friday afternoon and i was loathe to miss a session. not just because we have prepaid (thanks dad!) but because his teacher is great and sebastian is really responding to the discipline. it was great just talking with sebastian on the walk back to the ferry, and although time was tight, when i saw a picture of a massive spider, i asked seb to take my picture with it (i originally offered seb to be in the photo and he declined). instead, my little boy took the shot and wondered why i wanted to be in a photo with a massive spider. i said just to show everyone how close i was to it.

we kept walking and then sebastian and i came along some banana trees. knifemarks indicated that just a day or so ago there had been ripe bananas on the tree, but they had been recently removed. we kept walking, and saw "baby bananas" and seb touched the peel, and we felt how firm it is, and were just in the middle of a discussion of how it is hard, yet is going to get so much bigger, when i stopped. there was a bunch of bananas right above my head. sebastian was delighted. he sees banana trees all the time, and on holidays he has touched bananas, but this was the first time he had see native bananas up close! he climbed up the poles, and i took a gorgeous picture of him on my phone. just lovely.

right now we have the girls at a sleepover and tara's son tallinn here sleeping over. let's hope all is well and they snooze the night away. for late night snack they had bananas, seaweed, granola bars and popcorn, so chances are good there will be some rather vivid dreams tonight!

buenos noches, chiquita!

comings and goings

yesterday sebastian and i were upstairs both trying to figure out subtraction when jasper spun into the flat, bursting with importance.

of course, at first i thought he had to do a wee, and just pointed him towards the bathroom.

"nnoooooo mummy! noooo! de is downstairs! de is downstairs!"

DE! downstairs! (at left, mila, lita and de with the triplets and sebastian in 2005.)

sebastian looked at him and said, "you mean de who used to live with us?" (like there are so many others that we know??) I LOVE SEBASTIAN

sebastian and i jumped up and i ran to the kitchen and looked over the playground. there was de. talking to gary, tara and susan.

de. who is going back to the philippines to spend time with his daughter until their papers get processed and de and baby melissa (now 5!!) will be reunited in canada with lita. de. in our playground.

sebastian and i rushed to put on our shoes, and we headed down in the lift.

i think i scared de, as i rushed to him and hugged him. hard.

we talked about the kids, how they have grown. sela and carys were riding their bicycles, and jasper was racing around.  sebastian ran toward de and said, "hello de!" and gave him such a warm hug.

it was a short visit. i had to get to a pta meeting, (and i was late!) but jasper and i walked de to the bus stop. and i said i would see him again in canada. jasper agreed. we all hugged again and then he started to walk away from us.

and then the tears started coming down my face. i called out again.

"de!" and he turned and looked at me. and immediately looked concerned.

"thank you de. thank you so much for everything. we love you so much."

how can you not love people who have been such a part of your family? who have loved your children so much, that even two years after their departure, the kids still run to them with joy? so much that JASPER even volunteers to walk to prolong the visit? that is love.

lita and de saw us through such a difficult time in our lives. i can't ever forget them or think of them with anything but love and gratitude. they loved our children, were so patient with them and with charles and me.  the time with gary and marianne is less intense, but the same love to our children is there. we have been so blessed.

de called back to me, "no, i thank you."

i lifted up my arm, he lifted up his, and we smiled, and then i watched him walk away. and jasper tugged at my hand and said, "why is your face all red? are you the sun?"

and i said, "no, i am the mummy."

my sister pam had a baby on 10 september.

this has been a huge event in my life. a few months ago i was shopping "pink" for this bump we already were calling alex, and i was rooting through books my kids loved and sending them to alex for her library. handing over the sticky annabel karmel cookbook that had served us so well and served up so many recipes.

this summer, pam was very generous in letting the kids put their hands over her (small) tummy and any time alex was twitching around she would alert my mum to come have a feel. pam was a stellar pregnant person. so good at it that her body only reluctantly gave birth, overdue and with much assistance from the doctor!

my niece. alexandra helen patricia.

friends asked me how it feels to be an aunt, and i tell them, "very frustrating!"

my mum was in edmonton with pam, bobb and alex this weekend. where was i? here (the 35 above degree sun was a consolation, but still.)

i should be there washing dishes, floors, doing laundry and sorting closets. things i am good at doing when there is a fresh baby in the house. helping keep order. i can also make and freeze meals. i will never forget the difference it made to me after seb was born and my friend jane came to our flat and organised my kitchen, laundry and life all during the time it took me to change my clothes and take a shower.

i want to be holding this little person. whispering little secrets to her and promises of how i am going to spoil her (proof is already in the ridiculous amounts of things i have bought her!) i want to see her with the sated with milk look in her eyes and watch her drift off. but most of all, i want to see my sister, transformed, softened, clutched and captured by motherhood.

knowing someone for as long as i have known my sister (and i think if i am ever allowed to hold this baby i won't go into details as to how old she is!) you observe their stages. as life, choices and personal values alter them. paths. and then for some, parenthood.  having such a naked vulnerable love is a terrible thing. if you're like me, you try to shield the love with joking nonchalance.  so it doesn't seem like you're in too deep.

i wonder how she is. if at times she looks at alex, and knows these first few weeks are in so many ways the easiest. how often, despite the fact she's gagging with tiredness does she just stand and watch alex sleep amazed that she helped create something so wonderful? how often does she wonder how nine days have passed and get scared that it is all happening so quickly.

i wonder how she is.

i wish i knew.

for me, being an aunt isnt so much about seeing the baby and holding the baby nd searching for genetic similarities, rather looking at my sister and seeing what love has done to her, and smiling for her, as i watch her prepare to slide down this overwhelming world of loving a child.

happy but unsurprised to report that yesterday was a lovely day!

a highlight for sebastian....i was waiting after school to pick them all up and he ran across the play area looking quite pleased with himself.
mummy close your eyes!
he was so excited i let the lack of please slide.
when i was allowed to open, i did, and saw that prominently displayed on his suspiciously puffed out chest was, a "kennedy star". KS's are large purple stickers with the words kennedy school on them and they are given quite sparingly. to get one is quite an honour. sebastian received his star because "one of the girls didn't want to push in her chair and didn't but i did and the teacher saw and i got the star because i was being helpful and i was sensible and quiet when i did it. i just sensibly and quietly pushed in the chair

my little kennedy star.

speaking of star..how do i go about downloading "VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR" to my ipod? i started running to that song this summer, courtesty of sister pam, and it was a valuable addition. a great song that always makes me happy and energised.

yes...overall, a very great day!

i amended part of yesterday's post on patrick swayze. by saying that PS had qualities that seem hard to come by in the acting world, i didn't give credit to alot of fine actors who are STELLAR people. so i made the changes and hope i am forgiven. removed the gentle reminder not to make overgeneralisations!

secondly, i got a few emails on the topic. how could i say patrick swayze was blessed? didn't i know he and his wife suffered from infertility? actually, i was sort of aware of the fact, over the years it made the rounds on a few boards i frequent. but, the swayzes stayed together throughout their infertility, presented a united front, and from the little i know, based on his pubic behaviour and comments, seemed devoted to each other. so, the potentially all consuming scorpion of infertility did not wedge between them (apparently). infertility is a b!tch to live with, but they still had love. and anyone who has love is blessed.

jen, bbskwer, i get what you were saying, i appreciate what you were saying, can you see my perspective? they had each other. so i am keeping that part. peach had a valid point so i changed my behaviour and saw things through her nice eyes. yes they wanted more, but sometimes happiness isn't getting what you want, but wanting what you've got.

moving on.

i have not had a great day. in fact i would go so far as to say it has been very not great.

i woke up at 6.15 and within minutes the kids were awake as well. i took them all into the kitchen with me and poured them a six ounce glass of water and me a 16 ounce glass. we all drank and had a little competition to see who would finish last. (hint: his name begins with jasper and sela finished first.) it was looking good from there, but suddenly the "insta-whinge" that the water was so clearly full of took hold and the kids went insane with their obviously essential demands.

after breakfast, the demand was that sela's library book be located. sela was getting quite teary at the thought that her book might not be found and was full of adverbs as she described how miss chainani would be very angry. miss chainani? what about mummy??? 

then carys, who has lost two hats already this term announced she did not like hat number three.  if she had lost three plastic lunch containers, i would be giving her lunch in old margarine tubs by now. however, with the fricking sun still belting down 35 degree heat she needs a hat. so i bought her a cool new aussie outback hat and she declared she didn't like the wide brim. (!!)

and about then i heard a little snap and realised that either it was a blood vessel, cord in my neck or, of course, the handle falling off the door. it was the doorknob, of course. sebastian was holding it. i had instructed him seconds earlier not to pull the doorknob and while he was not pulling the doorknob not even to think that he could push jasper outside. both instructiosn were cheerfully disobeyed. another crisis.

"too bad you are not going to gymnastics this afternoon" i snapped at carys. i am not sure why i said this, possibly to upset her because she had upset me? do you see the level i was operating on? this bad low level???

mummy, pleaded sela, you have to give her another chance! you also have to find my library book!
(had to get that in there, didn't she).

i grabbed the doorknob from sebastian, asked him if i had mentioned anything about the door handle and if he would care to repeat it. he mumbled something about not opening the door. meanwhile, jasper is bashing the door (he's on the other side, remember) and now ringing the doorbell because he is sure we have packed and moved in the time he has been outside. why else would no one let him in??? he starts crying.

OPEN THE DOOR JASPER i instruct
please let me in mummy! he cries
OPEN THE DOOR YOURSELF, I CANT!
he opens the door and comes running to me, rubbing his teary face against my white shirt. i thougbt you didn't love me!

jasper, sela carys (because shes not going to gymnastics incase you have forgotten) and sebastian are now crying.

i found the library book by 10am (under her pillow) and of course made a special trip into school so she could get a new library book. disrupted the whole class be coming in...i hate being a PITAparent. i stopped to sort out the lost n found box at school, (odd stuff collects in there) and then stuff that was labelled i put in kids backpacks. as i was popping a hat into danielle's bag i spotted carys' substitute teacher. he asked which child was mine and i said carys. and then he said, "she needs to practise her writing." yes she does and i am trying.... he was being very kind, but it was just one more thing.

at the end of the school day i spotted carys barrelling towards me grinning and arms pumping backpack bobbing up and down hat #3 goodness knows where, and she gave me a massive cuddle. before she could even ask, i said, "you ready for gymnastics?" and she nodded. the earlier hassle of the morning forgotten, her hurt maybe gone, my sense of failure still hanging over me as i hung on.

i know tomorrow will be better which is why i am going to bed NOW.

patrick swayze, addictions and other stuff

i didn't post when michael jackson died.
but this morning, when i read that patrick swayze had passed away, i did want to blog a bit.

i liked and respected patrick swayze.

here's why:

1) he was married to the same woman for 34 years
2) even when his career was white hot, he managed to stay out of the press and live a discreet life.

whoopi goldberg, who seems content to call a spade a spade, only ever praised patrick swayze. some celebs only start "speaking nice" when a fellow celeb starts getting column inches, or gets sick. but throughout her career whoopi always maintained that patrick was a gentleman and a nice fellow and a great person. those seem like rather bland descriptions and shouldn't we be focusing on his acting, but those are such sterling qualities i think we should pause on them. it's easy to find something nasty to say about someone, whether you have to dig back to high school to find those people...but no one came out of the woodwork with a tale that "stuck" about patrick swayze.

in recent months, as swayze was photographed looking increasingly thinner and as he admitted to barbara walters in 2009 that realistically, two years was the best he could hope for, he was also occasionally photographed smoking. and criticised for it. how could a man with cancer smoke. doesn't he know what he is doing to himself?

do you think that if patrick swayze could have stopped smoking he would have? i do. but i know addictions. i have loved ones with addictions and the logic..."this is bad for me...this is speeding up my mortality" isn't enough to get you to simply flick away the cigarette, walk away from the needle, whatever your vice may be. seeing swayze with that smoke reminded me how human he really was.

and like all humans, he needed love. unlike all humans, he was lucky enough to find it. 34 years of marriage, by all accounts a happy one, to one woman - lisa niemi. cancer is a sad way for a life to end, but i would say patrick swayze, with his reputation for kindness and integrity, the love that he experienced while here on earth, the successful career that he enjoyed in hollywood and the peaceful ranching life he enjoyed away from it, was a blessed man. and he knew it. go in peace.

last weekend charles and i roamed around bangkok. it was time for our annual health checkups and i am happy to say that we are in fine rude health, although i have a few obscure symptoms like:

- hair loss

- normally shaped enlarged spleen

- low white blood cell count (but not wildly low)

but may i say my resting heart rate, blood pressure, cholesterol count, fats and eyesight were fantastic for a girl teetering towards her fourth decade.

it was a fantastic weekend. we walked and walked and walked. bangkok has a great and safe plethora of public transport options and we used three this weekend - taxis, tuk tuks and the mrt (subway/mtr). we had great meals and watched a cheesy movie although we drew the line and fell asleep at "JOHN RAMBO".

one interesting thing about the weekend, friday night after our plane landed we arrived at the hotel, dumped our stuff in the room and headed out for a walk. we were staying along the chao phrya river, and we are sort of familiar with that area of town. we walked to an area we have been before, grabbed some water for the next day and decided to get a massage at the aptly named BEST MASSAGE. we had been there before.

i had a fantastic foot massage. really great.

the next day we went back and charles had the two hour hot oil massage, while i opted for a facial and another foot massage.

that night, as we were settling down to watch the cheesy kevin bacon movie i casually said to charles, "i wonder if you had asked your masseur for sex if she would have gone along with it."

and charles did a bit of a double take and said, "she offered"

at the beginning of the massage, with me in the next room, charles' masseur had said to him, "you want massage?" and simultaneously touched his willy. he declined, and she responded, "i try!!!" and he said no, quite forcefully this time.

he berated himself as he was talking to me and said he should have left. but really, you start wondering, "did i hear what i thought i heard? did she mean what i thought she meant?"

how sad that that silly girl had to offer herself. how sad that she thought he was likely to say yes. how many others have said yes, even with wives in the next room.

we wont be going back, but i wasn't really upset. i was really sad for these girls though. when not waiting on a customer, they spend their time restlessly looking out windows. whether they are waiting for their white knight or just the mirage of another life or just something different from their everyday humdrum activities, i don't know. but it is very sad.

not sad enough to spoil my weekend. it was fantastic. highly recommended.

how long does it take to make a habit?

it is known and accepted that i am not a hard core runner. i wish i was. i could love to crave running. i like walking for the same reasons i always have, no matter what i weigh: being outdoors gives me the opportunity to appreciate the beauty around me, a little more leeway in case i decide to eat more, a great opportunity to pray, and solitude. (i also like walking with friends, and that provides opportunity for really good chats). in the last seven years i have appreciated walking and running because it gives me the opportunity to show my kiddies the importance of living healthfully. that you can have varying weights and still be fit.

heaps of my good friends are great runners. janne, susan and ursula are three examples. i wish i were like them. susan is out of the house every morning around 5.45. she has a toddler, a six year old and an eight year old! like janne, she enters herself in races, etc etc etc. i wish i had this burning desire. it would certainly make it easier to get out the door.

people have always promised "oh, once you get in the habit you'll get addicted. just get in the habit." so i did a little research on how long it takes to form a habit. apparently after three run ins with cocaine, it's a habit close to addiction. after three runs, i wasn't gasping for more, i was just gasping! same with flossing three times a day. after three flosses i wasn't convicted to keep going religiously.

some experts say 30 days is what is needed to ingrain a new habit, that whole same time thing is important too. if you are erasing a bad habit (like getting in the habit of not smoking) that takes longer because you have to convert your mind. but apparently repetition is the key. and you can't be lazy.

the cancer research uk health behaviour research centre said 66 days is most realistic.

depending on your personality it takes less than one week to break a GOOD habit.

this is quite depressing stuff!

i know it's all about one day at a time, and i actually don't see 9 weeks as a particularly long time, but what frosts my socks is the fact that you can break your carefully cultivated good habit in such a short period of time. we are sloths by nature, aren't we?

never will i roam? but i love roaming!

after seeing rod the bod (more like grasshopper!) in concert, i have had several of his tunes rolling through my head. in particular over these past two weeks as i have unpacked suitcases and gotten used to my new home and reflected on my summer in canada and the loved ones we saw there, i think of

RIVER OF MY HEART
oh the river of my heart is beating like a drum
with the words i love you rolling from my tongue
never will i roam for i know my place is home
where the ocean meets the sky i'll be sailing

now my inlaws are probably and rightfully laughing at the concept of me sailing, so let's skip that last line and let them have the last laugh. (tess = not talented at group sailing).

as i have moved from room to room (always with arms full) i have sang this song repeatedly. i sing the bit about "i love you" to my kids, and i sing the bit about my heart "beating like a drum" to myself when i am out on the hills. as i unpack, i sing, "never will i roam, for i know my place is home". and then i always stop. not because i don't want my relatives to laugh at me (and they probably wouldn't), but because after a summer in canada both charles and i find ourselves predictably, saying, "where is home?"

we know the answer of course. home is here. with the snakes. the wetmarkets. the kids! in 4d.

but right now, it seems so far away. separate from relatives, who in general live close together. and then there's us. it isn't much consolation that our parents moved away from their parents. we know they get it. this is home. both countries make my eyes water and my lips curve upwards. both countries make me shake my head with frustration. but for now, this is home.

listening to the rest of the song, i realise it isn't about nationality. (rod stewart himself lives most of the year in the states.) he describes a girl he remembers, and he describes a person basically living in a void. so this song is about people. if the river of my heart is geographically far away from the people i love (and not so far away from many others i do love!) then i know who they are, and they still know me. i can still call them, from any room, from any street, and i will know home.