my sister pam had a baby on 10 september.

this has been a huge event in my life. a few months ago i was shopping "pink" for this bump we already were calling alex, and i was rooting through books my kids loved and sending them to alex for her library. handing over the sticky annabel karmel cookbook that had served us so well and served up so many recipes.

this summer, pam was very generous in letting the kids put their hands over her (small) tummy and any time alex was twitching around she would alert my mum to come have a feel. pam was a stellar pregnant person. so good at it that her body only reluctantly gave birth, overdue and with much assistance from the doctor!

my niece. alexandra helen patricia.

friends asked me how it feels to be an aunt, and i tell them, "very frustrating!"

my mum was in edmonton with pam, bobb and alex this weekend. where was i? here (the 35 above degree sun was a consolation, but still.)

i should be there washing dishes, floors, doing laundry and sorting closets. things i am good at doing when there is a fresh baby in the house. helping keep order. i can also make and freeze meals. i will never forget the difference it made to me after seb was born and my friend jane came to our flat and organised my kitchen, laundry and life all during the time it took me to change my clothes and take a shower.

i want to be holding this little person. whispering little secrets to her and promises of how i am going to spoil her (proof is already in the ridiculous amounts of things i have bought her!) i want to see her with the sated with milk look in her eyes and watch her drift off. but most of all, i want to see my sister, transformed, softened, clutched and captured by motherhood.

knowing someone for as long as i have known my sister (and i think if i am ever allowed to hold this baby i won't go into details as to how old she is!) you observe their stages. as life, choices and personal values alter them. paths. and then for some, parenthood.  having such a naked vulnerable love is a terrible thing. if you're like me, you try to shield the love with joking nonchalance.  so it doesn't seem like you're in too deep.

i wonder how she is. if at times she looks at alex, and knows these first few weeks are in so many ways the easiest. how often, despite the fact she's gagging with tiredness does she just stand and watch alex sleep amazed that she helped create something so wonderful? how often does she wonder how nine days have passed and get scared that it is all happening so quickly.

i wonder how she is.

i wish i knew.

for me, being an aunt isnt so much about seeing the baby and holding the baby nd searching for genetic similarities, rather looking at my sister and seeing what love has done to her, and smiling for her, as i watch her prepare to slide down this overwhelming world of loving a child.

Comments

[Michelle]

This post is simply beautiful. Congratulations on becoming an aunt.

[Dad aka GDad Blake]

Little Alex looks a lot like me.....Not much hair on top and eyes often shut. We might be mistaken for twins.

Love to all....Dad

[Louise M]

Might want to change the date to September 10, 'cause 10 November hasn't happened yet... Anyways, congrats to your sister.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1100722387]

Beautiful post, Tess, and don't worry, I'm sure Alex looks much more like her Grandma than her Grandpa--well, we can always pray! Best wishes to all.

[Odila Braga]

You rock Tess! Beautiful and well inspired posting this was. God bless you and the whole big family.
Love, Odila

[Auntie Pammie]

This blog once again brought me to tears.. Tess .. Thank-you for such a beautiful posting. I am so in love with this little girl of mine and cannot remember how life was when she was not a part of it. It makes my heart ache that you are not able to hold her and spend time with her, but do not worry, she is told on a daily basis about all the people who love her!! You being her #1 Auntie is at the top and she already is looking forward to seeing you when life allows it. You can now understand how hard it is for us over here in Candida-land ( Thank-you JJ for the nickname), how hard it is for us to not be able to be close to you and your kids as they grow. We will just have to make the best of what time we are given and enjoy it to the Max!!
I love you ,Alex loves you
xoxo

[Bobb]

From Bobb's perspective. Thank you so very much for the kind words about your sister, she feels alot of love right now and I think it is very strange for her. Alex is just being awesome, she gets it from my side mostly, and boy oh boy does she look like me, I feel sorry for her already. Pammie is reading this over my shoulder and started crying. We are all well here, and we can't wait to see you all again. Love Bobb (aka just the father)

[Bobb]

P.S. I almost forgot. Thank you Pammie for giving me and my family a beautiful baby girl which I love with all my heart and soul. THANK YOU!!!!!

Love Always Bobb

[Coral]

Candida land - snort!

Congratulations on Alex's birth to everyone.

[Mona]

It's quite the transformation, Tess. All I do is shake my head, smile, and remember that I have ALL the "noisy" toys Auntie Pammie bought my girls stored away in my basement for this occasion.