today jasper and sebastian raced to get the mail. yesterday they each received an envelope from MC and they were hoping today would also bring such bounty.
it did not.
with a resigned air jasper and seb walked up to me holding an envelope. jasper said, "i don't know who this person is"...and read a name. he dropped it on my lap and i picked it up, looking quickly to see if either of them were reacting in a way other than their usual unusual ways.
you see, the envelope was addressed to charles' ex wife.
sebastian stayed behind and said, "mummy, who is that? why is her name the same as ours?"
i suggested he have a sweetie.
he came back and asked who the letter was for. i took a deep breath and told him i would tell him later.
before going on further, may i remind you all that when it came time for the birds and bees talk, it was presented solo to the kids (and my hysterically laughing no help whatsoever parents who stood behind the kids making faces and exceptionally rude and biologically incorrect gestures) by yours truly. actually, that is not true...graeme jumped in and was of key assistance. where was charles? you ask? upstairs on a conference call. and today...he was in vegas, leaving tess to embark on the topic of, indeed, daddy's been married before. we've never mentioned it before but it's not a secret indeed.
later on, the girls went to danielle's for a playdate and jasper went off to a birthday party. it is amazing the way God clears our schedules for important talks. i asked sebastian what he wanted to do. i wanted us to take a run together. sebastian, more pragmatically, wanted us to go for a foot massage and a hot chocolate.
i agreed to the latter.
we bundled up, and began walking to the bus stop.
i said a silent prayer and began talking. "seb, remember that envelope today?"
yes he did.
"Do you know why it came to our flat?"
no he didn't.
"because before daddy met mummy and married mummy and had his family, he was married to another lady."
really. our daddy.
"Would you like me to tell you what happened?"
yes. everything. tell me why they separated. wait. did they separate or did they divorce? mummy what is the difference between being separated and being divorced?
"Daddy was married to this lady. And they were happy for many years. And soon after they moved to Hong Kong, they realised that they weren't happy, and that it was better for them to be friends."
Why? Then what happened?
"Well, they both knew they wanted to be a mummy and daddy one day, but they didn't want to have children if they were unhappy."
So they didn't have children.
No.
"And so they separated and then divorced and now they are good friends, and daddy met me and we got married, and then she met someone and got married. And they both have children now!"
Does she call herself Caldwell? Is that her name?
No, I don't think so. But if she does, that's okay. The Caldwell family at church aren't our relatives and they have your last name.
That's true mummy.
I am your mummy and I don't have your last name!
Because you were too lazy to change your passport. I know mummy.
That's good.
SILENCE FOR A SECOND AND A SIDEWAYS GLANCE LETS ME KNOW HE IS WORKING ON A CONCEPT
Mummy, if daddy and the lady had not separated and divorced, would the triplets and I and the lady's baby belong to them? Would you not be my mummy? Would her baby maybe not be her new husband's but daddy's?
Oh lovey, (grateful I was holding his cold little hand) it was always God's plan for me to be your mummy. He always intended for us to be a family.
The bus came and that was the end of the topic. But as you all know, I believe in follow up.
A few minutes ago Sebastian came in from rugby. WIth Jasper, Sela and Carys in bed, I asked him if he had any questions for what we talked about earlier. Unfortunately, he had.
Was daddy sad when he got divorced?
Yes, he was.
Why didn't he try to stay married then?
I explained they had gone to counselling and had tried to stay together.
Will daddy want to divorce you?
I knew this question was coming. I knew it I knew it I knew it.
Does it look like your daddy and I are happy?
Yes, but you also said at first he was happy with the lady.
What do your dad and I do that makes you think we are cosy and happy? What do you see that makes you happy about our family?
You hug and you kiss. And we do things together. And mummy plays games with me.
Yes, but what about how mummy and daddy treat each other? Do you hear mummy say, "Your dad is so thoughtful?"
Yes
Do you hear dad say, "Your mum did a great job!"
Yes
We appreciate each other.
Oh. We do have a very nice family.
Seb just checked back in to ask what sort of person Charles' first wife had been. Was she Malaysian or Australian or Chinese or American or Canadian?
Are daddy and the lady still friends? Yes, that's the sort of people they are.
And, what did the counsellor do? If it was a different counsellor would they still be married and Sebastian, Jasper, Sela and Carys not be born?
Hard for me to say, lovey, I wasn't there. But sometimes we need to stop asking questions that really can't be answered and just trust God's love and plan for us. This is our family.
Why did you tell me this today mummy?
Because I didn't want to lie to you Seb. You don't lie to me, and I don't want to lie to you.
Thank you.
Thank you for believing that your Daddy and I won't get a divorce.
* FYI - i did tell seb the name of MC's first wife, but out of respect to her im not listing it here.
Not to be overlooked is the fact God knew Mo needed grandchildren toute suite and that expedited the events that followed.
Love to all....Dad
Posted by: GDadLyons | January 09, 2011 at 03:12 AM
Tess, this is hugely moving and I think you handled it so very well. I continue to be so impressed with how you deal with and talk your children through challenging situations which require walking through a minefield. Along with my love you have my respect.
M xox
Posted by: Maureen Lyons aka Mo aka grandmother aka Mum | January 09, 2011 at 03:29 AM
Well handled Tess! Cheers Lucy
Posted by: Lucy | January 09, 2011 at 08:00 PM
Well done Tess! I've been there too, alone and trying to answer questions about adoption and then eventually divorce. I love that you give your children the truth and trust that they can handle it.
XOXO Nina
Posted by: Nina | January 11, 2011 at 07:14 AM