Dim Sum Mum - Tess' Little Pieces

It doesn't matter where you are or how many people are surrounding you, when your child is unhappy with a problem that cannot immediately be solved, you immediately feel alone. Removed. Remote.

Today was Sports Day at school. I decided to take the day off work and attend because I wanted to see Seb in the 800m, long jump and 400m relay.

I went just as the events were starting and found a sea of students all dressed in their dynasty colours. Purple, blue, red, yellow, orange, green. And there, alone, was Seb.

I was talking to my friend Mel, who I have known for so many years. And suddenly I was alone, the day was dark and my heart cracked. As my boy spotted me and came to stand near me. And stayed, because I was the one person he could be with. Or who wanted to be with.

And then the questions as I am asking myself while trying to carry on a conversation with Mel.

Is this a bigger deal for me than it is for him?
Does he have absolutely no friends at this school?
Does he know this?

Agonising. Trying not to let him see my face as I give him hugs, assure him of my love, and then ask him, trying to inject a casual note into my voice, where his friends are.

"Who?" He asks me.

"Um, well your friends?" And I list a few names.

"They're gaming in the bleachers. I didn't want to." So that's that. So he is alone. Other kids are walking in clumps, writing on each other's legs and faces with markers and lipstick of their dynasty's greatness. Seb walks alone to the long jump. I follow him. Year eights are just finishing their jumps so I get to cheer for Adam as well.

He is the only one in his dynasty who made it to the long jump finals, so afterwards he walks back with me and one of my friends.

Does he feel isolated? Does he see that everyone else seemingly has friends and he does not?

He does well in the 800m, not brilliantly, but well, finishing fourth. His second lap was fantastic, he moved from seventh to fourth. Really promising. His running is taking an easier style. I wonder if he will be in 1500 next year as soon as he learns more strategy.

A couple of girls compliment him when he is done. And then mums compliment him. And their kindness makes these easy useless tears dart nearer to the surface.

I am grateful I have a meeting to get to and some documents to sign. I ask Sebbie anxiously if it is okay if I go. "Who will you spend time with?" I inquire. "I don't mind being alone," he answers, the same answer he always has. Then he throws in, "But if you could give me some money for lunch...."  Happily I throw 100 at him.

The meeting isn't far away, and I find myself finishing early and heading back instead of home where I have a tonne of research to do.

Seb said he would be running the third leg of the 400 relay. It was one of the last races of the day apparently.

I hop it to the sports stadium, imagining what will wait for me there. Best case scenario, Seb is with other kids and smiling. I am glad I am going back.

I find him, more colours, at the top of the bleachers, talking with another boy who is crying. Rocking back and forth. He is digging through his backpack while he is doing this, but I can see the rocking boy is listening to Seb.

All around me, I see other parents, their children confident and surrounded with friends. Laughing, joking, sharing food and racing around. The parents seem to have such glossy, carefree lives. They don't have to live with the knowledge their child doesn't fit in at school. It seems their biggest concern is which dynasty will place first in the sporting event, or what place their child will be in the relay. Im wondering if anyone will bother to slap Seb's hand when he crosses the finish line. And I promise myself I won't go to the finish line, I WONT, but I will be close. Very close.

And I look at him again, occasionally trying to talk to the rocking boy, but more leaning off to the distance and dreaming.

Then my man sees me. And the smile. It is the same smile as I saw in year two when his class was giving a show, and he was scanning the audience looking for magnificent and me. his face was so worried, and then when he saw us - he relaxed and grinned that wonderous grin, like we had put the world to rights by just being in it.

Take away the hat, and that was the face I saw today grinning at me.

"You came back!" he exclaimed, burying his head into my shoulder.

"Of course I did!" I smiled at him.

He has no idea what it cost me to come back to see him, alone, without mates to run around with, and kids running up to congratulate him. The only thing I've got going for me right now is the certainty of how happy I made him. Otherwise, I feel raw. It's not nice seeing how different your child is, how they are not fitting in.

The good? I don't think he knows. I think I am being overdramatic about this. His friendless state doesn't upset him.

And the best? I saw kindness today. People reaching out to be kind to me and my son. People who must have sorrows, because I know everyone has a story.

It all comes back to "be kinder than necessary".

I didn't set any new year's resolutions for 2014. There were no promises of achieving headstands in yoga, no marathon, no weight maintenance. But today I realised my goal for 2014 is: be kinder than necessary to everyone I encounter.

Because as a recipient, I can't begin to tell you the difference it made.

Thank you to those to reached out to me and my heart today.

Wonder

I have just returned from Sebbie's room, where much to the kids' delight, we read until 9.15pm in order to finish WONDER, by Rj Palacio.

That I didn't put the kids to bed EARLY is the real wonder.

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It is meant to be a children's book but it is a book for everyone. It tells the story of August Pullman, a 10 year old who has had 23 facial reconstructive surgeries. I imagine he looks like the little boy in Mask. HIs favourite day is Halloween, when everyone can cover up their faces.

August is going to school for the first time. The book takes you through Auggies academic year, from his perspective, and that of his friends and relatives. His sister writes, "If our family is the solar system, Auggie is the sun. We revolve around him and his health". A friend of the sister writes, "My mother is one of those people who has sunny smiles for everyone around her, but not many smiles left over for me".

So many truths in this book, which focuses around the premise written on the board by the English Teacher, "Be Kinder than necessary".

It is my hope that in reading WONDER, my kids will see the next disabled child they encounter as a potential Auggie. A kid like them underneath it all. I am grateful this book has been written.

At one point in the book I started crying. Carys, who was next to me on a bean bag noticed and told the other kids. Like a flash Seb jumped down to comfort me with a hug.

In a way, we have had flashes of wonder all day long.

Today, Jasper was at a rugby tournament and Seb was at youth group event. It was just the girls and I and I decided the time had come to show them where the different feminine products were kept, so they would know. I am very much hoping that there is no need for these items in our home just yet, thank you, but in June there is the mother and daughter talk with Nurse Ann, and I dont' want any surprises for them at that point. Better introduce them to the paraphanelia now so when it happens, it is no big deal. So I showed them and then the girls said they were glad. Even Carys, who normally giggles when I discuss the topic said it was good to know. And then we went to their room to move a few things around.

Then the Pheasants came by for dinner. Now when I say dinner I hope you know that I ordered pizza and ribs and wings. Hello? It's Sunday? I was supervising homework!

The Pheasants came by and it was a good dinner. Then we watched the incredible video Chad has made of our trip to Beijng and Harbin. It is amazing. Jasper was sitting next to me and Sebbie was sitting on my other side. And at one point, both boys were either leaning into me (Jay) or holding my hand (Seb). This is a wonder, a blessing for which I am grateful. I looked across at Chad, who had his arm thrown around Adam and Ella on his lap. How lucky we all are.

And then, it was time to go and Sela of course cleared up without me asking. Seb took a shower and shampooed his hair without being reminded, and then we sat around, until I asked if I should read. It was just a very nice day. That I can say this, when I currently have no husband, is a wonder in itself. But I very much enjoyed my tiny people today.

To finish with a quote from one of the greats, Eric Clapton, here is a song I used to sing the wee three when they were in the NICU, Wonderful Tonight.

And the wonder of it allis that you just dont realise
how much
I love you

 

 

We are back from Harbin. The kids could not have argued more. There is no IF to that statement, because it is a fact. I think they were still grizzling in their sleep, but that might have been due to the fact that we had three of them sharing a bed. Still, their fault, they drove me bonkers with their complaints and requests and at the end of the trip they inform us it was the best one ever. I DON'T THINK SO.

We travelled by plane, train and automobile and each had it's pros and cons.

Harbin is a surreal, beautiful city with such awesome architecture. I was so happy walking through Harbin and not just because it is an effective way of keeping out the cold.

I read three books: Bridget Jones Mad About the Boy, Her Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty and Before I Go To Sleep. Each had their merits.

Here is a great Jasper story. As we travelled throughout Beijing, Jasper kept a close eye on all the animals he was seeing: dogs, cats, camels, donkeys, horses, birds and the list goes on. One night, as we were exiting a restaurant to head off to the Beijing Train Station, Jasper exclaimed, "I just saw a mouse!" And indeed, there were the not so tiny hindquarters of a rat struggling to get into an underground hole by the restaurant where we had just been.

"Do you know what this means?" Screamed Jasper looking at where the rat was and the door of the restaurant.

I knew he was going to freak out about the restaurant having rats. I knew it i knew it i knew it.  To calm him down I said, "many restaurants have rats in the kitchen, remember when we were on the River Kwai and we stayed in the floatel? There were rats there!"

To which my little man turned and looked at me and repeated, "Do you know what this means?"

At this time I just decided to take it and said, "What does it mean, Jasper?" and he responded, "I have now seen 12 different animals since we got to Beijing!"

To quote a Bridget Jones book, I am mad about the boy. ANd mad at him a large percentage of the time as well.

Frozen heart?

Today I took Jasper, Sela, Carys and Danielle to see Frozen. There were a bunch of us going and fortunately, I ended up besides Ursula. Which meant I didn't get hissed at when I googled things on my phone (ie: length of movie).

After the movie, I went to Rotten Tomatoes to see how the movie rated. To my SHOCK, it scored 89percent. POSITIVE!

This is a surprise to me as I did not enjoy this movie. My review: I liked the snowman and the positive message at the end, but um, nothing else really. The animation was good, but spoiled for me because the animation of the two princesses faces are 90 per cent eyes. Society scorns China for the abandoned practise of binding feet, but Disney and Pixar princess feet look fairly tiny and bound to me!

So there is a positive message for girls about love that matters and a negative message about how beauty looks.

So, wah.

It didn't make that much of an impact on any of us, although we all agreed we liked the snowman, the foil of the show.

At the end of the day, if you want to see a good Christmas movie, watch Die Hard.

I am done packing for the kids for Harbin. This makes me very happy. We are going to smell very badly after all this is done because they are taking two pairs of trousers, two thermal shirts, and a few other things. But basically, we are dressing for the cold.

I am also getting ready for Christmas day, cutting up veggies in advance as well as making Christmas eve dinner. Liza is heading off at around noon on the 24th so we are trying to get all the stuff that requires adults to be out of the house done now. Just about all the Christmas shopping is taken care of as well.

Tomorrow, a drs appointment, a Christmas exhibition, and fingers crossed, a quiet family night.

xo

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Today at 2pm we had the opportunity to do something that really captures Christmas -- we went to Union Church and made, rolled, cut out, baked, cooled then iced about 400 sugar cookies. On Christmas eve, another non profit organisation called Sons and Daughters will take these cookies and distribute them to the Wanchai's "late night workers".

The prostitutes, the mamasans, the homeless will receive these cookies, hand made, and handwrapped.

Very few of these recipients will have gifts given to them. Possibly overseas family might send something, but these are marginatlised people in Hong Kong, and there are few opportunities for them experience the feeling of accepting a free gift. Knowing that someone made it with them in mind.

The kids were happyto spend time baking, but we made sure one of the people who was organising talked to them about who the cookies were going to. Our kids wanted to help distribute, but that's not our role here. Sometimes you can silently support, and only provide.

It was a good way to spend an afternoon. Laurel the saint took Jasper, Jack, Freddie and Danielle and Sela to rugby, but Carys and Celeste stayed behind to help me clean. They scrubbed tables, helped mop the floor and learned what it like to stay until everything is back to where it was. This is also a good lesson.

I was a little disconcerted...I went and invited people expecting it to be organised, but since it was the inaugural one, I found myself in charge. I had no idea what was the right thing to do or not, but I was there making decisions, which wasn't fun for me. But it had to be done.

But thank goodness Laurel, Teresa and Lesley were there. Lesley immediately took over the kids rolling the dough she had brought, Laurel commanded the kitchen which has three ovens and keeping the cookies from getting burned, and Teresa took over the icing aspect.

I love surrounding myself with smart people - it allows me to be mediocre.

Break has broken

At noon today the children's screams almost drowned out the shrill ringing of the alarm.

Christmas break had officially begun!

Sela got a good start to the holiday by heading straight over to Danielle's house for a sleepover and playdate and goodness knows what else. She assured me they would be in bed by 6pm and I said I was sure they would.

Carys and Jasper went to Cyberport to play with friends. Carys came back asking me for a sleepover and I admit that I said no. Jasper asked the same question and got the same response. Those two are so cranky and in such need of sleep that I definitely want them to sleep in...we've got big travels coming!

And Seb could have gone to Cyberport but he instead came home and just rested. He's going through a bit of a tough time, this growing up thing is hard. No one is being mean to him, but there are things he is finding tough to understand and wants to think about. Why do people stop liking each other when one of them hasn't changed? You know, tough things like that.

And apparently, thinking is best accompanied by watching a movie. He stretched out, told me how much he loves me and then did not eat a bite of the lunch I made for him. He did smile and tell me how much he liked the quiet flat.

Who can blame him?

We are not Elf on the Shelf people.

There are several reasons for this.

1) I am afraid it would backfire. What if the kids did behave for a whole month, for no other reason than because the Elf was watching and would report back to Santa their behaviour? What happens after aforementioned Elf is gone? The behaviour would be back to hideous, there would be no reason to behave. So although I do yearn for one month of good behaviour, I would rather it be because of self regulation rather than fear of not getting a good gift. (And they'll realise Christmas Day they aren't getting a good gift).

So there is that.

2) Then there is the fact that we don't really do Santa in our house. So there's no need for an Elf if there is no belief in Santa. I want the kids to understand the financial sacrifice we lovingly make for each other when we buy gifts and why some gifts aren't so big. It doesn't make sense if Santa got BFF an i-pad and not my kids. Does Santa like them better? Were BFF's better behaved? (Probably, but let's not go there). We got them their gifts and we love shopping for them. I want them to know this and give their dad and me the credit.

3) Im not clever enough to remember to do the whole "let's think up an idea of mischief that the Elf got into today!" idea. I can barely remember to bring cookies to a class party, and the dates of the various December festivities. I certainly cannot think up and strategise cool things for the elf to do. Elf's social life cannot be higher on the list than my own.

So we are a sans elf household although I love reading what elves in other homes get up to!

Please note the above Elf does sit as an ornament in our home. He is about 45 years old and been in Charles' family since Charles was, let's say, learning to ride a bike. This little fella has a few brothers back in Toronto, too.

Bread vs bedtime

It's been a while since our family did anything charity oriented. With Christmas coming in say, a week or so, I decided we really needed to move our focus from getting to giving. From "What I hope I get" to "What hope can I give".

I did a bit of nosing around and decided to sign our family up for a Feeding Hong Kong Bread Run. Basically, I signed us up to visit eight shops in the Quarry Bay/Fortress Hill/Taikoo region. After the shops close, we have 15 minutes to get there, pick up the donated bread, count it to double check the shop's count, and head back to the car.

Quarry Bay is a great area of town. I don't spend enough time there. There were times when we arrived at the shop just as it was closing so we would wander for a few minutes along King's Road or Electric Road. Great little shops. The girls tried to spray on scent and try on shoes, while the boys hinted heavily for a snack. They asked the time, often, and were impressed at how late it was getting. Normally I am pretty strict about bedtime, yet here they were! Walking down the streets when the streetlamps were on! At 9:30 in the evening if you please!

They pleased very much.

Finally we took our haul back to Central, carried all the bags and receipts to the drop off area and were greeted by the folks that run Feeding Hong Kong. We took a family picture and we were on our way.

It's so true, that in giving you receive. We all got a lot out of tonight, and time together is precious.

Have a coke and smile...or a tear

While Magnificent can't get enough of the Westjet Christmas video, my rewatches are dedicated to the new Coke Life commercial made in Argentina.

Charles likes WestJet because "you're getting the chance to do what everyone wants to do, deep down...give others their wishes!"

I'm stuck on the Coke Life commercial not just because it is a coke product and I have strong suspicions that I have carbonated bubbles running through my veins, but because when the woman shows her husband the positive pregnancy test you wonder "Why are they doing this?" and it takes you back to "Why did we have a second child"?

(In our case a second, third, fourth, but you know what I mean).

What incredible moment of wonder when you realise that you will relive the babyhood phase...just as it seems to be ending and a light in the tunnel is emerging you're back at square one again: debating whether bathing or sleeping is more important and settling for falling asleep in the bath,  more debates over, do I want to wash the baby down or clean up the sheets" More rocking back and forth in line in the supermarket and then realising you're holding potatoes not a child.

Why did knowing all this relentless activity is ahead of you once again cause this father to scream in joy? (I loved that it could have gone either way)?

I have no better way of describing it than to say, you have this feeling that this is your time. Heck, you even promise yourself you'll be a better parent this time around.

The responsibility, the knowledge you created this new life, the madness, chaos and relentless activity you know that lies ahead...it's worth a scream of joy. This isn't going to be easy, but it's going to be great.

And for the most part, it has been!

Sorry Westjet, your ad is great but this...this is life, family. Frustrating but fulfilling.

 

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Meet Grace

I am the first to admit that I have received a great deal of grace in my life. Grace and forgiveness.

So it is possibly the extent of my hypocricy and humanity exposed when I share the problem I am having with a person. Who treads on toes and has never apologised for the damage they cause. Who, when forgiven and given a second chance, doesn't say thank you but accepts the gift as it is their due.

All this processing is good for me. That's the issue - there is no gratitude for the gift.

(not that this is about my forgiveness, its more others who have forgiven this person, or groups of people who have. despite being repeatedly let down).

When we extend a gift, any gift, whether it is flowers or forgiveness - does it matter the spirit in which our gift is received? Should that stop us from extending those same gifts again and again?

Im not trying to make parallels with God here...but it is sort of inevitable.

I have been given so much grace in my life - by God and others, why does this person's attitude rankle me so much? We are in the season of giving and I really want to give wholeheartedly, but this person does not make it easy.

Is there a certain trait in others that upsets you more than it should??